Krista's Cornea Recipient!

After Krista was and organ donor I have had the privilege to meet other organ donor families and many recipients through many different events over the years.  I spoke at an appreciation dinner for health care professionals involved in the organ donation process and it was a chance for me to thank them for the care and professionalism they showed to our family as we made the decision to donate Krista's organs and tissues.  At this dinner I heard a young recipient speak about how she could see because she had received a cornea transplant.  It was an amazing story.  I was actually sitting at the same table as her surgeon and it was so cool to see the happiness in his eyes as he saw the results of his skilled hand.  He had helped someone see again!  

It was interesting to me the dates that she had received her cornea.  September 3, 2009.  Krista had passed away on August 31 and it seemed possible to me that this young woman had received Krista's cornea.  Jana and I talked and have stayed in touch over the years.  Always having an inkling that it was Krista's cornea, but never having a definitive answer.  In Canada, there are protocols in order to facilitate a meeting of donor family and recipient.  I had to send a letter to the Organ Donation program, then they would send that letter to the recipient.  The recipient would need to respond through the program and then another letter from me would have to be sent and then responded to.  This is so that if one party isnt emotionally ready to meet that it can be in their own time.

I had meant to send a letter but life was busy and I didn't get around to it until 2015.  I thought that if it was Jana that I would get a letter back quickly because we had talked about it.  I never received anything so I thought we had made a mistake.  Jana recently sent me information that made it clear that it was Krista.  Recipients receive information about their donor and Jana's information said her donor was 34, female, died of a pulmonary embolism, and had died on August 31, 2009.  So Jana contacted the Organ and Tissue program and they found that the letter I had sent had been delivered to the wrong place.  That's why Jana had never received it!  

So I am happy to share that I have met and am so happy for Jana!  It's official that she is the recipient of one of Krista's corneas and she is awesome.  I wanted to share her story.  

This is a speech she gave at an event in 2014 that sums up her story and at the end is the letter she wrote to our family.  It's been a long time coming but I am so happy to share this story.

2014 Organ Donation & Transplantation Speech for the Rocky View Hospital 

Good evening everyone. My name is Jana Van Kasteren. I am 28 years old, and I am a cornea transplant recipient. My transplant journey began in April of 2006. I was 21 years old, I was in school in Lethbridge, and I had my whole life ahead of me. Without a care in the world, I was looking forward to having fun with my friends and taking part time summer school classes.  

That all was brought to an abrupt hault. My left eye started to get very irritated and red, and I thought "oh, I just have a minor eye infection". I imagined I would just go to the eye doctor and get some eye drops and soon it would all be better.  

My optometrist was very concerned and said that he wasn’t sure what was wrong, but I needed to go to an ophthalmologist immediately. Across the city I went to an ophthalmologist. Once again, he wasn’t sure what was wrong but he knew it was something very serious. He got me taking several different eye drops and sent me on my way.  

Within the week it was out of control. This mystery eye infection had completely taken over my left eye and I was totally blind. All I could see was white light. My eye was so sore that I couldn’t even open it, and I couldn’t even be in a room with any kind of light. When I had to go outside to go to my doctors appointments, the light was so excruciating that I could barely lift my head up. When I woke up that day and couldn’t see, I went to my ophthalmologist again and this time he admitted that he really wasn’t sure what was wrong and that I was probably going to lose my eye. He then referred me to Dr. Carlsson, a cornea specialist in Calgary. As soon as I went in to see Dr. Carlsson he knew exactly what was wrong with me.  

I had an extremely rare eye infection called Acanthamoeba Keratitis. It only infects 1 in 1,000,000 people. Acanthamoeba Keratitis is when an amoeba, which is a tiny parasite, latches onto your eye and basically feeds off of it. It is caused by a contact lens wearer getting water behind their contact from a swimming pool, lake, river etc or from wearing their contacts in the shower. In my case, my contact lens solution was contaminated by the manufacturer and wasn’t recalled until almost a year after I got the infection. I soon found out that my eye had gotten so out of control so fast because the eye drops the ophthalmologist gave me were actually feeding the parasite and making it grow faster. Dr. Carlsson immediately told me to stop taking those drops and gave me six new eye drops to take. I had to take my eye drops every hour, but had to space them out 5-10 minutes apart. The result was me putting eye drops in constantly throughout the day. This continued for June, July and August of 2006. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life and I would never wish it upon anyone.  

In September of 2006 the infection had finally started to come under control and I was able to go back to school. I had to wear an eye patch because the light was still very painful and the eye drops I was taking required me to keep my eye closed after I put them in. At this point, my eye started to develop this white cloudy colored circle that covered my iris and pupil. This white circle was actually a scar that had developed from where the amoeba had eaten through my eye. Because it was scarred, it meant that I could not see anything because it was blocking my pupil and therefore my vision.  

In December of 2006 was when Dr. Carlsson first told me I would need a Cornea Transplant if I ever wanted to see again. Of course, this was quite shocking for me to hear as I never even knew that was possible, let alone possible for me! However, he told me I would have to wait a full year before he would even considered me as a candidate for the transplant list because the Acanthamoeba Keratitis was such a bad infection to have. No matter how many eye drops you use to try kill it off, it can hide in a cyst form to protect itself, and we would need to make sure it wasn’t going to come back and eat my transplant cornea.  

I continued to see Dr. Carlsson about once a month for the next year, still using eye drops, but now only 3 times a day. In October of 2007, Dr. Carlsson told me that the parasite appeared to be gone and he thought I was finally ready to be put on the transplant list. I was so thrilled! I could not believe the day had finally come. It had been such an agonizing year and I was so excited to finally be able to see again. I was thinking to myself "in the next few months i’m going to have the transplant!".  

Unfortunately, I was very wrong. Dr. Carlsson had told me the time frame of the waiting list for a cornea transplant was between tomorrow and 4 years from that day. Since I was only 22 years old though, he told me that I would be near the top of the list.

I continued to see Dr. Carlsson every 6 months and every time he would tell me that they just had not been getting any tissue from donors. This was very discouraging news. I had lost hope and decided that I might as well just get used to being blind in my left eye forever. If I wasn’t feeling beaten up about it enough, I sure was after a few encounters with some very ignorant people. Complete adult strangers would approach me and say "ew, whats wrong with your eye?". This was extremely upsetting to me because there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t want my eye to look like this, I didn’t ask for this to happen to me. And on top of it all, it was hard to adjust to life with sight from only one eye. With the loss of my depth perception, driving became a real challenge. As well, I lost my peripheral vision so walking into walls was a daily occurence. And of course since my right eye was doing all of the visual intake, it became really strained and the vision in my right eye deteriorated. Thank goodness for my great friends and family who helped keep my spirits up.  

Continuing with school, in April of 2008 I graduated college with a diploma in Massage Therapy. This was a huge accomplishment considering everything I had gone through to get there.  

I went to Dr. Carlsson again in December of 2008 and he once again told me that nobody had donated their eyes. This had become an expected phrase for me to hear, and I would always get extremely upset. He went on to tell me that he could refer me to a colleague of his who was also a cornea specialist. In January of 2009 I met Dr. Al-Ghoul. He checked out my eye and gave me two eye drops, which surprised me since I had not needed eye drops for about a year. I then continued to see him for the next few months and finally in April of 2009 he told me that I could go on his Cornea Transplant list. I asked him approximately how long it would be and he said in the next two months! I was so excited as I never thought it would be that soon! I had waited so long for my transplant and I was just overwhelmed with emotion by this news. I kept asking him "so you are SURE its only 2 months?" and he just kept saying "yes!". Unfortunately it wasn’t 2 months later- but it was 5 months later!  

September 3rd 2009 is a day I will never forget. It started off as any other day and I was on my way to work. At lunch time I went home as I always did and when I came back to work my boss had left me a note on my desk that said "Call Dr.Al-Ghoul". I quickly grabbed the note and ran out the back door with my phone. I called and nobody answered. So I called again....and again....and again. Then Finally somebody answered and asked, "can I put you on hold?". I was on hold for TEN minutes going back and forth in my head, wondering whether or not they were calling me for a transplant. I nearly made myself sick with anticipation waiting on the phone. Then I finally got to speak with the nurse and I will never ever forget those wonderful words she said to me. "Jana, we have tissue for you. Do you want your transplant on Tuesday?". All I could manage to say through my hysterical crying was "yes!". She started to tell me the details and I couldn’t even hear or comprehend anything she was saying. I could not believe this was finally happening. She told me that she would see me Tuesday September 8th and I just fell to the ground crying. I absolutely lost it, overcome with emotion. I was going to be getting my transplant in 5 days. Only 11 days before my 24th birthday! What an amazing gift.  

On the morning of September 8th 2009 my mom and dad drove me downtown to the Holy Cross Centre, which is where I received my transplant. The transplant went really smoothly and I was in and out in no time at all. Dr. Al-Ghoul was really great. During the transplant, He kept asking me if I was ok and he would say "only 20 minutes left, only 10 minutes left, 5 more minutes" which really helped me talk myself through it. All together the whole transplant was about an hour and 15 minutes. The next morning I was expecting my eye to be red and sore and not very nice looking. However, I was completely shocked to find that it looked absolutely perfect! You would never have been able to tell I had had a transplant the day before. Perhaps the most amazing thing about looking at my eye for the first time was the fact that I could see again. Having my depth perception back and being able to see the world more clearly once again. There would be no more walking into walls!

Over the next few months I saw Dr. Al-Ghoul and slowly one by one he took my 17 stitches out of my eye. Every time a stitch was removed my vision improved. There were a few challenges during my recovery. For example, re-teaching my brain to pick up vision from my transplant eye again, as it shut off visual signals from my eye when I could not see out of it for 2.5 years. Even today, I still experience double vision, but i’m hopeful that with modern medical advancements, it will one day go away. Finally, when the last 3 stitches were removed, It was a really incredible feeling to know that my transplant had healed and was now officially a part of me. I am so grateful for this amazing gift. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my donor and their family. I know it was the hardest decision they ever had to make. You never think that you will be the one needing a transplant. I certainly did not, especially not in my early 20’s, but life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect it to. Because my donor’s family was so brave, selfless and strong, I once again have my sight back. I will never take my sight for granted, and I now know the importance of Organ and Tissue Donation and how much it can dramatically change or improve somebody's life.

I'm now going to read the letter I sent my donor family as I feel it sums up everything I want to say about how grateful I am: 

Dear Family

I am sure this letter may be difficult to read. It is also difficult to write. I've been wanting to write for a while but I never knew how I could possibly write you to thank you, and have you understand HOW grateful and thankful I truly am. "Thank you" is an expression which is used quite often and sometimes just in passing. This is a different kind of "Thank you." How do I say thank you, that means that because of you and your wife, I am able to see?

My promise to you is that I will never take for granted, any one moment of my life.

The importance and immense meaning of the gift you and your wife have given me, truly cannot be expressed in words.

If you can imagine it, before the gift your wife gave me, it was becoming very challenging to do things like reading, driving and enjoying the sunshine.

How do I share with you that you gave me life back? That you gave me a better life? My son and my husband thank you. My friends thank you.

And I think you should know that not one day goes by that I do not think about your kindness, and of the woman who enabled me to see again.

I also want you to know something else.

When I got the call they had found a donor for me, and that this person was a young woman, I cried.

I cried all 5 days from the moment I got the call to the day of the transplant. Not because I was scared or happy. I cried because I knew that on that day, somewhere, a family lost a precious, beloved person in their life.

My heart was with you and is still with you. She is with me, literally, every time I open my eyes.

Please know that your loved one, who gave me the gift of sight, is my hero. I literally owe my life to her and to you, who had the bravery and strength to allow this transplant to take place in the midst of your grief.

Please know that her spirit lives. I hold her in my heart.

I promise to take good care of her. I promise to honor her with everything I do, especially for others who have suffered like me.

With all my heart, I wish you peace, love, and above all, faith in knowing that this beautiful woman has allowed me to see again.

The Heidinger Happy New 31,557,600 Seconds Letter! (too late to be called a Christmas letter)

Sorry about being a tool about how long a year is. (The calculation was based on each year being 365.25 days long)  Truth is, I was trying to think of a catchy title, and ended up with this instead.

I know at some point in your life you have probably had thoughts about how many seconds are ticking off your clock.  Each second that you won't get back again.  It happens when you watch a crappy movie, or sit through a boring meeting.  

It also happens when you are experiencing great things.  A beautiful sunset, a kiss that makes your heart pound, a remarkable dinner.   When I see my kids do something I am proud of, or so cute it's impossible to imagine a more pure moment in time.  These are the moments when I am keenly aware that the seconds are passing.  I want to stop the clock, and go out of time to preserve them, to linger just a little longer. 

The fact that we can't hold onto those moments is precisely the reason that they are so meaningful.

The dawn of the New Year is a natural time to reflect on these types of moments.  Both the good, and the bad.  It's time for us to reflect on the humdrum moments too.  The day to day grind type moments, like writing things on your calendar or driving to work.   

It's also a time of renewed hope.  I don't think New Year's resolutions are bad at all.  I wrote my first blog post about losing 50lbs a few years ago.  Does it hurt that my number is now 65lbs? (Ok, 70) Yes.  It hurts so bad!  But dang it, I'm not just throwing in the towel on this area of my life.

This past year had ups and downs, just like all yours have had.  The start of the year saw me a little depressed to be honest, not sure of what I was doing exactly.  Just wasn't sure about how I wanted to navigate the changing feel of my family.  Jax was finishing elementary, Grace was leaving lower elementary and Soph was finishing pre-school.  The family that started out on the journey without Krista 5 years ago is not the same family that I had in January of 2014.  

Obviously aging and changing is a natural thing, but I had a kind of system I had developed that worked, but life was changing.  Therefore, the system needed to change.  I know this is life, but I don't really like change.  Embracing change is something that takes a lot of energy for me. 

I went to see a counsellor again just to work through some of my many thoughts about life at that time and it was a great thing for me.  I realized that my thoughts were headed in the right direction, that we were going to be fine in terms of the overall sense family.  I figured out a health plan (not that I have frickin' maintained it well enough, but at least I determined something that will work!) and it was great.  

I have advocated for this before, but if you have had a rough go, talking to someone who has the training to help you distill your thoughts is a good thing.  Nothing wrong with admitting that a counsellor can contribute in a positive way in your life.  A mentor, a life coach, whatever floats your boat.  They can be a sounding board that your friends and family can't sometimes.  


I sat down with my kids and figured out summer holidays and other goals that our family had and that was great too.  Grace still wanted to dance, Jax wanted to play basketball, Soph wanted to do gymnastics.  They all wanted to spend time in the hot tub. (best investment ever) They wanted to see family and friends.  So we travelled to the west coast to visit Grandpa Robson and Auntie Jill in the summer.  We went to Seattle for a few days and ate in the Space Needle. (beautiful view)  We went to some friends' on Vancouver Island and stayed at their beautiful place.  (you have to have an adventure on a gravel road to get there but it's beyond beautiful)  We also met up with an old basketball buddy, and toured around Victoria.  (If you want to see many pictures from the year you can go to my Instagram account. Just search for me or my user name @jheiding)

We love having people over for supper or lunch, or brunch, or breakfast.  The kids love it, and so do I, and we did a TON of that too.

We spent a lot of time with family and friends.

I was asked to speak by the Grad committee at our high school so speak at Grad.  A commencement address type talk.  It was a HUGE honour.  Seeing students graduate is one of the most fun schooldays of the year, I'm proud of all these kids.  So to be asked to speak by the students to give that talk is something I will always remember.  Also, it's probably the only time I will get to bring a Gandalf staff and a lightsaber in front of that many people. (If you click on the picture you can read what I said if you have any interest in that sort of thing.)

Jax, Grace and Soph all had great spring and fall semesters in school.  Well, they don't really have semesters, but I do, so  I think of them in those terms.  Jax has loved middle school and plays volleyball and basketball so far.  I'm making him try out for all the teams since I never really wanted to try out for basketball when I was in junior high, my parents encouraged me strongly to do so, and I ended up loving it forever.  So Jax is trying out.  He liked volleyball and he loves bball, but who knows, maybe he'll kill at badminton!

Grace loves dance and participates in Hip Hop with Expressions Dance.  The girls that run this dance company are solid, SOLID people and I never have to worry about my kid dancing to some horrible song with questionable lyrics.  I like that.  The dance doesn't suffer, but the kids are learning that they don't have to shake it to some nasty, sexualized music.

Soph is loving life and loves gymnastics once a week and is starting to like swimming lessons like the other kids.  Soph is a goof and is in the stage where she is testing out the difference between obeying and the opposite of that. :)  She still loves her time with Simone (the best nanny on the planet) and when she is not at kindergarten she is helping at home or playing Barbies, or Play-doh, or making someone a card, or pretend cooking.

Simone our nanny is one of the greatest people on the planet.  I have no idea what I would do without her and I don't want to think about it.  I'm quite certain that when she is done her time with us, hopefully when she is 100,  she will disappear like Yoda in Return of the Jedi, and become one with The Force.  Either that or she will unfurl an umbrella and float into the sky a la Mary Poppins.  Either way she is unreal.

Our family is so important to us.  We all love those in our immediate family and those  friends who are so much in our lives that they are adopted family.  So many friends have continued to support my kids and me.

Oh, and one more little thing that happened this year...

Let's start like this,

"But then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all..." - Galadriel (The Lord Of The Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring - Movie)

This quote is somewhat how I would describe what happened to me in February.  Except that what happened is not evil like the Ring in the stories brings.  Quite the opposite.  It's the unexpected joy and hope that came into my life.  I had not expected relationship, nor had I been seeking it out.  For me, if a relationship arrived in my life again after Krista, it would not be because of eHarmony.  I just felt like my the amount of time I have with my family is precious at this point in my lives of my children, and I wasn't going to spend a dedicated amount of it to finding someone.     

So....

I was giving a talk at Teachers' Convention about the uses of Twitter in the classroom and in education.  I went to set up for the talk and I saw a couple teacher friends before it started.  They were sitting with someone I did not know, and they introduced me to her.  "This is Carianne." they said.  Now Carianne attends the church that I go to, and we have some mutual friends so I knew her name, but did not know her, nor had I ever met her.

I talked to Carianne for a couple seconds and then set up my talk, which she attended.  She's a grade 7 Social Studies and Language Arts teacher at the feeder school to the high school I work at.  We talked briefly after my session and I remember thinking, "Hmm...Something's different with her...".  Hahahaha, I just realized you could read that two ways.  She wasn't different in a mentally unstable way, like, "Something's DIFFERENT about that one!".  No, it was a different like, "Hmm, I can't put my finger on it, but I hope it's not the last time I see her..." kind of way. 

About a month later after just talking via Twitter and e-mail, I asked if she would like to go for coffee and just hang out as friends.  In fact, right in the e-mail I said, "I am not trying to procure a date with you." #truestory

We talked for three hours, covered a myriad of topics, and I appreciated how open she was.  We talked about faith, loss, parenting (she has a 3yr old son), teaching, food, friends, family.  We talked and talked and then we prayed together in a booth in the Moxie's lounge. (That might be weird to you, but to me, it was just the perfect ending to that night.)  

I asked her if she wanted to get together again the next Friday.  Then after that we got together the next Friday then the next, the next, next, next, next...

Both her and I understand each other on many different levels.  We see eye to eye on many, and have great discussions about the few we don't.  She is smart.  She is beautiful. Honestly though, and I'm not trying to be cheesy here, but, her beauty is like a bonus.  It's an add on to what I find amazing about her.  She respects my family and Krista's family and who Krista was to my kids and to me.  My kids think she is awesome.  She has a grace about her I cannot describe.

You could say it's going good.  :)

I would say this is the biggest new development in MY life during the last 31,557,600 seconds.  My kids have continued to change and grow and learn and fail and succeed, and I'm not sure what's in store for this next year.

I guess there's nothing to do but find out?  I suppose life really is about finding out what's coming.  You can control some of it and there is a lot you can't.  Sometimes I like that adventure, sometimes it scares me.  I want to let you all know again that I appreciate your friendship and support.  Whatever comes our way this year, and I mean OUR collective year, not just my family's, that if you need something, or want to talk, please don't hesitate to send a message or call.  

Good luck to you all this next year.  Love ya.

5 years

I was at Broxburn Vegetables and Cafe today with my kids for Strawberry Fest.  It's a vegetable farm just outside Lethbridge.  One of my good friends, who loves "all things festival", told me about it in the morning.  I was getting the kids ready to go to the farm and running around.   Just after she told me about it, I received a text from another friend that said, "Thinking about your family today Jared."  I honestly had to stop and think for a quick second about why I was getting that message.

Right.

Today is 5 years.

I'm not saying that I have literally forgotten what the date of Krista's death was.  That's ridiculous.  I had to take a second to think because the date does not have the power of shadows over my heart that it did a few years ago.  The last couple years, the dates on the calendar marking certain significance to Krista have not had the ability to change my approach to the day in a negative way.  We can live our lives and enjoy them, fully.  I am 100% positive that Krista would be super ticked if we didn't.

If you are reading this blog for the first time, you wouldn't know that my wonderful wife Krista, the mother of my three children, passed away due to a pulmonary embolism on this date in 2009.  Just 4 days after the birth of our third child.  The past 5 years are like a completely separate life compared with before because it has been so different without Krista.  It's like the designations of B.C. and A.D. when talking about history.  I sometimes find myself figuring out that the easiest way to tell how old the things in my house, or peoples' kids are is to remember how old they were in relation to that date. 

Let's get something straight though.  While working through what it means to be a widowed father of three is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, it does not mean that there has been an absence of joy in our family's life.  There has still been joy.  There has always been hope.

She would absolutely be CHOKED if her death received attention, and was focused on, in a way that brought the kids down at this time of year.  She would have wanted Soph's birthday and the beginning of school to be an insanely joyous time.  To be honest, even if she hadn't wanted that, it's what I want.  So it's not an avoidance of the topic, like it's something to be feared. I think of it as a prioritization shift.  I want the highest priority to be that our family has a good time together on this weekend, an emphasis on our family bond, not on our family loss.  I don't know that it's been that clear to me until I wrote that sentence. So Strawberry Festival and a sleepover at Grandma Beth's house before school starts is a great way to honour one of the most important things to Krista, and myself... a loving family.

For the rest of her life Soph could have her birthday be a precursor to a day of sad.  That's not cool. 

5 years of change in our lives is a huge amount of time.  It's can also be a short amount of time.  It just depends on what perspective you are using when you begin to sort through the memory banks.  

To look at my own kids now, is to look at completely different human beings.  

Jaxon is 11 now, he is going to his first year of middle school this year.  Grade 6.  He  for his first day of Grade 1 when Krista passed away.  He loves playing basketball and video games and wrestling with me and listening to music. He is great with his sisters, is a good friend to others.  Currently he wants to be a chef, and he's actually pretty legit with cooking. Especially scrambled eggs with cheese.  Seriously.

Grace is in Grade 4.  She dances Hip Hop, likes basketball (not as enamoured with it as Jaxon yet, but I'm working on it. :)) and enjoys goofing around and making hilarious videos with her friends and siblings.  She is unreal with younger kids and wants to be a teacher.

Soph was a tiny little definition of joy.  She's still joy, but now she's a budding Kindergartener version of it.  She loves Play-doh, loves pretend cooking, and loves tickles.  Honestly her giggle could melt the black off an asphalt road.  

Our family - 2010 vs. 2014 - we had the first photo taken nearly one year after Krista passed, and the other was this past summer while visiting Krista's Dad in B.C.  I love these pictures.  I currently also like having long hair.

THE FUTURE.  So ominous it can be...

In the early spring of 2014, I started seeing a counsellor again because I felt this general malaise about the future.  Even though I had hope for the future, it was like it was muddled in the everyday grind.  There was still joy, but it was veiled. 

I had begun to feel like I was entering a new stage of life and wasn't confident that my swirling thoughts didn't need some distilling.  There were a few things that I addressed with my counsellor.  

1. Physical Health
2. Work/Life Balance (societal problem catchphrase alert!)
3. How to invest in my children who are now in new stages in their own lives.
4. How am I going to know, how I know, that I am ready to explore a relationship with someone again?

It has been great to work with him on this.  

1. I have taken steps to address the physical activity and diet concerns I have had in my life.  I don't have a huge weight loss story to share with you, but I can tell you that I am changing shape slowly but surely, and the loss of mass will come.  The biggest thing is that I feel that I have a plan that will work for me.
2. I have looked at how I work and what ways I can maximize my actual day while still getting the things done that I want to accomplish.  This has lead to the realization that I need to wake up early. 5:30/6:00 a.m. and go to bed early 10:00 to do this.  This hasn't been consistent yet either, especially over the summer! Teacher summers allow for some frivolous sleeping behaviours at times.  It is a goal of mine to integrate this schedule starting after Labour Day 2014. (just want to put 2014 so I can't screw it up all next year and then say, "Well you never said WHICH Labour Day!"  Oh man that would be the definition of weak..)
3. Talking with my kids about what they truly enjoy in life has helped me to understand the areas that they are more excited about.  That doesn't mean that I just let them do what they want, or not do what they don't want.  It means that I can be mindful of the areas I need to push them in, while also being more understanding of their areas of anxiety.  Kids are awesome, but sometimes confusing.  They also give me huge amounts of energy some days, but also should probably be put in prison for larceny with the amount of energy they have stolen.
4. Funny story. Weeks into talking with my counsellor I met someone.  We were talking and she was cool and beautiful.  We hung out a bit as friends and I have been seeing her ever since.  She's fantastic and it's really chill and really great at the same time. She thinks my family is awesome, and respects Krista's memory and who she was to my kids and I.  She loves God.  My family thinks she is great too.  That's all there is to tell about that because there are a lot of people who deserve a lot of respect in both of our lives and it would be really disrespectful to talk about a relationship in a blog.  Not to mention creepy.  Also super lame.  The funny part of the story is that I never really got the answer to the question of "how was I going to know how to know that I was ready?" because it sort of answered itself.

Thinking about all the changes that life brings, especially this time of year since Krista has passed, reminds me of the things that have been constant in my life.

I have been loved and supported by friends, family and colleagues. 

My parents and sister have prayed for my kids and I and helped us out and have just plain loved us all the time.  Well my whole life truth be told! Hahaha! My mom prays for so many people and does whatever she can for us.  She has Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia and yet she still does whatever she can for us.  She wouldn't want to receive a bunch of attention for this but too bad Ma. You rule.  My dad has always been a steady, rock solid place where I can take thoughts and problems to.  He is an example to me of how to set aside your own stuff and help others.  My sister and her husband have always been there for me, and even when they have three little humans of their own, she cares about my family too.

My family on Krista's side is unreal.  They are so great.  Krista's mom Beth is a constant in our lives, and not the way that you people with annoying mother-in-laws are thinking.  She is a true blessing to the kids and I.  She is a blessing to all around her.  I am proud she is my mother-in-law and could serve as example for all mother-in-laws as to how to do it right.  My father-in-law Barry is one of the most loving guys out there and although he lives in Delta, I know we are in his thoughts.  Gail, his wife, is such a cool lady too, (along with her family) and she has always made us feel at home when we visit out there.  My sister-in-law Jill is one of the funniest people I know and I love her so much.  Whenever we get a chance to hang out, I usually find myself laughing at some joke with her that no one else gets.

I honestly can't start going through what my friends have done for me because there have been so many things by so many people that I am humbled, and also nervous because I don't want to forget anyone.  (By the way, I'm not trying to say, "Oh I have SO many friends, because I RULE. That's being a jerkface. (reference to my Grade 7 art teacher Mr. Snowden who used to call punk kids "jerkface". ))  Thanks to all the colleagues and church friends and neighbours and NBC coaches and students who have brightened my days.

Father, Son, Holy Spirit, well this is the main point right here.  Hope comes in many forms for many people, but when I get down to the basics of life,  my faith is the main thing that provides it for me.

I truly am indebted to the people in my life.  I am especially thankful for the love my family and I have been shown in the last 5 years.  We have all found ourselves in different places in the last 5 years since Krista's passing.  I hope you continue to find your place in people's lives.

Love is such a good thing to be part of.

So what does this date do to me?  I feel like anniversaries and dates marking significant events in our lives are indicators for us to enter times of reflection.  

Wedding anniversary? Reflect on your marriage.  

Birthday? Reflect on the last year and celebrate it as well as move forward with new thoughts.

  If you are incapacitated by a date I can understand it.  The reflection that is caused by the reminder of that number on the calendar can be unbearable. For some, it will bring you to ruin each time, and for others there is a movement to avoid acknowledging the pain you felt, never dealing with the problem.  For others you will be in ruins, but the more you process through it, you will move forward to a place where you are not in fear of the past rearing its head in the present.

 I feel like I have reflected each year and throughout the years on the things I am learning through this journey (hated using journey just there, but it works).  Personally, I don't want a date to hold me captive.  This date in the year has no more significance than any other date on the calendar if I look at it objectively.  The calendar's role in our life is to mark time.  The dates on our calendar for the rest of 2014 marks time that is not rooted in the past.  The very fact that it continuously moves forward is a tribute to the fact that dates are rooted in the future or the present.  We cannot go back in time and actually relive the past.  (People who own a Delorean with a flux capacitor would argue this.)  We can only live presently, or dwell on the future.  It's not like I only grieved Krista's loss on this date each year.  The grieving was a process that I felt every moment of the day for the first while, then it slowly changed.  Then it would come up out of nowhere and hit me hard.  Searching out what I was feeling and why, was something that I did with friends, family, counsellors.  I still obviously can't make sense of absolutely everything in it, but I am confident I have delved into my thoughts and fears and feelings throughout the last 5 years the best that I have been able to do.  The time for my heart to overwhelm me on this date has passed.  It doesn't mean that I am intentionally attempting to rid myself of memory.  The thing is, pain and anguish should not hold sway in my life, feeling free to join me every time the calendar reads a certain number. (Oh man, I hope I didn't sound like a know-it-all just there...)  

The future cannot be known.  I hope that both you and I can identify the themes in our lives we feel so strongly about, that we will continue to integrate them no matter the circumstance.  Maybe then, we can be on our way to not worrying about the future, and can more easily navigate the dark and unknown paths that present themselves.  We can navigate them because we will be guided by those principles we can't imagine losing.  Principles are different than people, or things.  The problem with those, is that it is not possible to save those things from the effects of time and death.  Learning where you derive your hope from is, in my humble opinion, essential to truly live.  What will you choose as your sign post to guide you no matter the circumstance?

Please understand, I'm not saying I have them figured out.  I will be sorting out stuff for the REST OF MY LIFE.  We're all sorting that stuff out.  If you want to sort some stuff out with someone, some time, just let me know.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.