A Different Way To Do Presents for Your Kid's Birthday

If you have kids in elementary school, especially from Kindergarten to grade 3, it's likely that you have ventured into the world of seemingly incessant birthday parties. If you don't have kids yet, once you do, you can plan on entering into this world during this age.  Usually the parties kind of slow down in the upper elementary years, mostly because I think the parents realize they can't maintain the pace, or the cost. I like birthday parties, I have fun throwing them for my kids, and they enjoy going to and hosting their own.  

My friends held a party and instead of getting invited guests to bring presents for their daughter, the gift was two toonies.  (Toonies for my non-Canadian friends are two dollar coins)  One toonie was designated for the birthday girl and one was for a charity of her daughter's choosing.  I thought this was a GREAT idea.

I adopted this format for my kid's parties and haven't held a "presents" party yet.  I feel like my kids get more than enough, and I never wanted them to associate their birthday with gifts from their friends.  I hope that one of the things that my kids learn from this style of party is that it's cool to get gifts but it's cool to share with others as well.  In the end, I hope that they look forward to a time of celebration with friends and that the presents are just a small part of the good time. I really don't think they are rattled by not getting presents, this is just what we do.  Jaxon and Grace have asked if they can have a "presents" party, but I explain the concept of why we are doing what we do, and there has not been complaining.  I buy them a gift I know they will enjoy, I don't just Scrooge them.  They just don't get the avalanche of presents from buddies.

On another note, when my friends have had these types of parties for their kids, I appreciate not having to dish out another $10-$20 for another present for yet another party.  

I understand that some of you may think this two toonie thing is absurd, and that kids getting presents is a rite of passage.  Maybe you feel like I'm robbing my kids of their childhood.  I don't agree.  

Kids know what you teach them.  Yes they learn from friends and observing society around them, and from other influential adults, but I think that in those young years they still compare what they see in the world to how you live.  To your example.  What you emphasize as a parent plays a HUGE role in how kids filter the various pressures and influences around them, especially when they are young.  (That is such a distressing thought because I know there are so many ways in which I don't show a good example.)  Am I saying that you are creating selfish children by hosting a party where they get gifts.  No.  If I'm being honest though, I do think that it is important to do charity work, volunteer, and sacrifice.  As long as I'm being honest, I know that I could do a whole lot more of it.  

I read a book called "Radical" by David Platt, and it really, REALLY challenged me.  It is a Christian book, so if you aren't into that you may find it preachy.  Heck, even if you call yourself a Christian, you will likely find it preachy.  It really got me thinking and made me realized that I hadn't really been involved in helping people who are down and out other than donating money.  I hadn't really felt so convicted about this before.  I then thought, if my kids are exposed to the homeless, to the down and out, and are taught ways to open their heart to help, this would just be "what we do", and they wouldn't have to have the epiphany that I had.  It would already be part of them.  The kids and I were making sandwiches for the homeless shelter about once every two months, but I have slowly let this slide.  Our family is busy, just like many of your families, or just like you (if you are single).  I just realized as I write this that I need to step back up to the plate with this commitment.  I hope I haven't sounded preachy, because I am realizing the same things about myself when I write a blog post.

So it's not all about presents.  I understand that there are many people out there that come from all kinds of different socioeconomic situations.  There are probably a ton of different ways that parents do parties and to give,  I just thought I would share the way we do it. Share and also remind myself not to get lazy in this area. Few things annoy me more than spoiled punks. I don't want my kids to be like that, and I don't want to become one either...

Happy Mother's Day - Honestly!

Do you know someone who is always depressed with their life?  I'm not talking about someone who is legitimately getting help for depression. (That is FAR from what I am talking about here!)  I am talking about someone who has a lot of good things going for them, and have no actual need for a proper prescription because the brain chemistry needs some legit medical aid.  Someone who, even though things are great, constantly focus on the stuff that's not quite right.  You're having a good day and talking to them about something, and no matter what you do, that person turns the conversation sideways.  Like the hilarious SNL skit "Debbie Downer";
http://vimeo.com/25898

Well I am writing a blog on Mother's Day and I am NOT writing something to be a "Debbie Downer." Like, "Happy Mother's Day, but not for me..." (insert horn noise here)  I am not trying to bring you down on your Mother's Day!  So I don't think this will be depressing, but if you are worried about me ruining your day then I don't mind if you stop reading...

Today has been a hard day for me the past 3 years, but this year hurts less than last.  We don't go to church on Mother's Day Sunday.  You know, if the kids make a craft in Sunday School for their mothers or if the sermon is about mothers or whatever.  Just not necessarily something I want to deal with, even though the kids are fine doing these things in school and hearing about it and all that jazz.  We just do our own thing.

Today, we went and got smoothies, then we went to the grave site.  I asked the kids if they wanted to go, and Jax said, "No, it makes me cry" and Grace said, "Yes!" and Soph didn't say anything. (she was sucking on a strawberry/banana smoothie...)  I told Jax he didn't have to get out if he didn't want to, but we were going.  When we got there, we all got out (Jax included, without any prompting from me) and we made our way to Krista's spot.  The kids were not rattled this time.  They asked a lot of questions, about the headstones, about whether she was in the ground, about all kinds of stuff.  The just asked questions.   I answered them as best as I could and it was a really good talk. It felt peaceful.

We talked about the quote from C.S. Lewis that is on her headstone, "If I find in myself a desire which nothing on this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was meant for another world."  That it means that even if we have everything we think we could possibly want, that it is likely that we still would be unfulfilled.  A lack of something deeper. Something spiritual.

Jax said something to the effect of, "I don't understand death, it's so annoying!"  He said it in a tone that was more like he meant to say, "frustrating" instead of annoying.  We talked about how it is strange that everything on earth dies.  Everyone of us must die.  I made the analogy that everyone gets a skinned knee at some point in their lives, and everyone is o.k. with it.  It hurts and all that, but when our kid skins their knee our heart doesn't break.  We know their pain, but we are not overwhelmed because we know it will get better.

The only thing that truly happens to each of us that is born is that we will die.  We KNOW this.  Nobody is o.k. with it.  Well, nobody that is my age that I know is o.k. with it.  Nobody I know is ready for it except elderly people, or people who come to terms with some disease, or something like that.  Krista's 94 year old grandma and I were talking and she said, "I'm ready to go when He takes me." She is in pretty good shape and is hilarious, witty, lady.  She is not in a bed in a hospital room.  Somehow, she has come to terms with her mortality and I am always amazed by that.  How do you get there.

I don't think we are o.k. with it because we think we can beat it.  I know we know that we can't beat it, but dang it if we don't try to beat it for as long as we can.  It becomes a bit of a mission for us. I'm not saying we shouldn't live healthy or do our best to be safe or any of that, it's just interesting to me that we don't think it should happen to us.  It's like we are owed something just because we have life.  I am sure self-entitled North Americans are probably the worst for this.

I was having lunch one day with my friend and he was telling me about a Christian scholar that he had talked to about death who said something to the effect of, "Even though every single one of us knows we are going to die, it is the one thing that hurts, that we can't understand or wrap our head around.  It's evidence that there is more to "life" than just our biology, than this physical world." I'm paraphrasing to be sure, but you get the point.  If death is so prevalent, why don't we just accept it as a part of "It is what it is...".

I think there is more to your life than just your cells. I think there is a spiritual aspect to each of us.  I told my kids this today, and by their responses, it seemed that they got it. In whatever way kids get the deepness of life, which sometimes I think they get better than us adults.  I hope you explore your need for the spiritual side of life.  It is important.

We had a good day today, a real day.  A time of talking about life and death.  One of those talks where, as you are speaking, you realize, "This is a deep, and special conversation that I am going to remember." Another opportunity for me to share with them about how much their mom loved them.  And a slightly lesser time explaining that the 3 foot tall bronze boot on a person's tombstone probably meant that they were a cowboy. (along with combines meaning they were probably farmers, and pictures of the Mormon temple meaning that they were likely Mormons...)

We went to the park after this talk in the cemetery and played.  The kids had a blast with their family today, and had a great Mother's Day.  We laughed and talked about some big questions. It was a good day.  I was able to honor my mom too. (She is absolute gold by the way.)

If you have lost your mom, I am so sorry for your loss.  Maybe you feel like a fish out of water on Mother's Day like I do, maybe not.  If it brings you encouragement, I prayed for you today, it's not cool to feel alone, so I am letting you know you're not.  I sincerely wish every mom out there a Happy Mother's Day!  Mom's deserve so much more than one day it is ridiculous, but that's another blog post....

The Magical Hot Tub Symbol (Not literal magic of course...)

       I feel good right now.  I feel better mentally (and physically) than I have in about a year.  This year was a tough year for some reason.  It just felt off.  I had a good time with my kids and friends and family, but something was unsettled in my soul or something.  Like I had restless legs for my soul that couldn’t figure out where to go.  The thing is I didn’t want to GO anywhere, I just had no idea why I was feeling so “Meh.”   

       I went on an  AIA(Athletes In Action) basketball tour to India and Thailand when I was in university and I met one of the great humans of our time and we have kept in touch throughout the years.  I feel lucky to say that I have a few friends like this, ones that you may not talk to for a year or so, but when you get a chance to hang out, it’s like everything is exactly like you left it.  This guy is Jeff Sharma, and he sent me an e-mail the other day asking me how I was doing, (he had done a video for my classroom, and noticed I wasn’t on Facebook anymore (man I needed a break from that)) just making sure things were alright.  I’ll paraphrase some of the thoughts (and a couple extras) that I sent Sharms in that e-mail (and they are in no particular order) :

1.  I was honest with myself and God that I want to love someone again.

-     I  felt guilty saying that for awhile because it was hard for me to admit.  I somehow wanted to prove to myself that I was doing the right thing by denying myself the right to even think about it because it felt selfish to me.  It’s like I thought I wasn’t trusting God enough if I wasn’t fully satisfied with everything in my life just as is.  When in reality, holding on to the hopes of my heart instead of talking with God about them is actually more of a show of non-trust than just being honest with Him in the first place.  (You ever do that to yourself?) Truly letting that cat out of the bag with God was freeing.  In fact, once I was honest about it, I was way less anxious about the whole thing, and it's not something I am rattled about.

2.  I bought a hot tub. 

-     It’s not just because I have wanted a hot tub my whole life, that buying it is exciting.  Making the decision was highly symbolic for me as well.  It was the first major financial purchase that I have made that was not something that Krista and I had already discussed.  Like, we had planned to do Renos to our house before she passed away, so I carried those out because it was the right thing. We had planned to buy a van before she passed away and I carried that out.  Since then though, I have not made a big, family fun/family product/”What is something that our family does?” type decision outside the realm of what we would have done as a couple, and making this purchase felt right for my kids and I.  It was something that I didn’t ask, “What would we be doing if Krista was here right now” because it wasn’t ever really something we talked about.

      Sidenote: (Some of you may think, “Wow, he is making a pretty big philosophical connection with a material thing.  He shouldn’t be so concerned about material things. He could have sponsored some more sponsor children, or done more for the homeless with the money he spent on that hot tub.”  Look, I have thought about all that a lot, and I still felt like I wanted to buy it. Do I feel a bit guilty about it? Yes, but I think it will be a good investment for family time and my muscles, so Back UP OFF ME.) 

3.  I got my bills/budget/office/house spring cleaned the way I need it. 

-     My life has changed and I need things organized in a way that works for my kids and I now.  “Now” is the key.  Soph is out of diapers, out of Pull-ups at night, out of all kinds of baby-stuff like that (has been for a bit now).  We are entering a new stage of family.  The “three kids stage”, not “two kids and a baby stage”.  The house needed to get into a place where I felt comfortable with everything organized in a way that made sense for our family now. 

4.  I am changing pictures around the house. 

-     I loved the “family life” pictures that Krista had put in the frames in the house.  They just felt right, they were placed in the right spots and were really indicative of that time in our life.  I had left them all mostly up, but in the last month  I started to change them, replacing old ones that don’t contain Soph and just had Jaxon, Grace, Krista and I in them.  I thought I needed to do that for Soph. (but it is truly for all of us) Our family pictures should be our family pictures now.  Obviously I still have some pictures with Krista and Soph and Jax and Grace up, I am not trying to eliminate our history or diminish her, but the reality is that Soph is part of our family and there were a ton of pictures up without her in them.  I need to show the kids the importance of Krista, but also the importance of us now, and how we are still a loving family without her here.   It was time.

5.   I have had a true change of perspective in how I will make decisions.

-     Since Krista passed away, I hadn’t always made decisions by saying, “If Krista was here, what would she do?” but I realized that this thought was in my head more than I wanted to admit.  I only realized this when I bought the hot tub without any thought as to what Krista would think.  (I’ve thought about it since, but only as a pondering-type thing, not as an aid in making the decision) It made me realize that I had been stressing myself out at times, wanting to make decisions that she would have thought were good.  I think every husband likes to hear his wife say, “Good job.” From time to time.  I made decisions that would allow me to imagine her probably thinking “Good job, Jared.”  The thing is, I am really just making that stuff up now. I realized that I probably wouldn’t know what Krista would have thought about many things that I am now making decisions on now because I have no precedent that can truly transfer from then to now.

  

        Fewer and fewer things now are going to be “Krista would have done it this way, so I will do that” related.  I realize God gave me Krista in my life so that she could make me a better man in many aspects.  I need to realize that those things will never go away. They will always be a part of me.  I also need to remember that I have strengths that made her a better woman.  I have faults, just like everyone else, and they need work, but I need to trust that God has equipped me with what I need to make decisions moving forward.  Trying to think about specifics about what Krista would have wanted is an exercise in fantasy.  I just can’t know those specifics, but the good things that Krista and I both wanted for our family did not disappear with her, because she is part of me.  I’m here, therefore she is here, if you get my meaning.  And that is a very encouraging thought.  Just a slight tweak on what  I had been thinking  has seemed to free my mind.  It just takes one twist of a key to open a lock and free someone from prison.  Just a little twist.  Sometimes finding that frickin’ key just about makes you lose your mind though...

        I was sharing these thoughts with my friend Rich the other night and he said (and I am paraphrasing), “Everyone has their own timing on when they feel like they are entering the next stage after a loss.  You’re not “Jared, the guy who lost his wife” anymore, you’re “Jared.”  He meant it as an encouragement, and I think he is right.  Krista was and is still important to who my family is.  She will always be, but it feels different now, in a good way.  It’s like I can let her memory rest as it should be, for who she was, not how I think she would have been.  The kids will know her for what she was, and how much she loved them, but they will also be able to move forward so that Jax, Grace, Sophie and I can love each other fully as a family for who we are now.  I am excited to see how that love grows in our family.  I am truly looking forward to the future, and it’s been a while since I could say that.  

Lord I pray that you would guide our family, and when hard times come, that I would remember what you have given me.  I thank you for family and friends. Be with those in hard times right now, and give them peace in whatever way you can.  Amen.