Patience, Houston, Memphis, and Bedtime.

I’m sitting in the Houston airport waiting for my flight to Memphis and I am seeing thousands of people all with somewhere to go.  Krista used to, and I still do, find it weird that there are people all across the world living completely separate lives apart from my own and my own town.  Whenever we drove down the Oregon coast to San Francisco and then to Vegas, then home (just before Jaxon was born, well Vegas was probably where he was originally from, nudge, nudge wink wink (sorry about that)) we just were overwhelmed with humanity at times.  I don’t know if you get my meaning, but it is really strange to be by yourselves around no one you know, and realize, life completely exists outside my sphere.  That sort of sounds arrogant if you take it the wrong way, but I know that it is always why many of us love to travel, but coming home (if home is a good place) is so good.  Everyone in the airport is rushing somewhere.  Many of us are rushing places in life too.  Not that it is wrong to rush around all the time, but when I am in a place like the airport I find it fascinating and lonely. 

I am going to an IB teaching conference, there are only handful of them throughout the year and it happened to work out best for dates that I attend this weekend and that it is in Memphis Tennessee.  I am waiting because my flight was delayed and if I had my kids with me I probably would be trying really hard not to go mental over a 1 hour delay.  A video I posted to facebook the other day entitled, “The Most Obnoxious Kid of All Time” showed this kid who was rattled after his flight to Florida had been delayed because of snow.  YouTube it.  I gotta tell ya, if Jaxon acted like that kid did I would have lost my marbles because I would hope that he would be more understanding of the blessing we would have in our lives just to be able to go to Florida in the first place.  Not like this kid.  Although, in reality, I can see Jax being pretty upset that plans had not gone the way we wanted, and I would probably have had a hard time having patience for him.

 When I am by myself with no agenda of my own it is really easy to be patient, because I don’t really have to try.  I wonder if I can even consider it patience.  I actually don’t think I can, because I don’t really care if there is a delay or not to be honest.  I could probably sit in this airport for a long time before I started to go mental, but only when I don’t have anywhere to go, or kids to take care of, or deadlines to meet.

 I think I want to define patience as an understanding that,  I may not get what I want, when I want, and be o.k. with it.  Doesn’t mean I have to love it, but to just let it go.  To try my best to carry out the plan that I thought would be best, and if it doesn’t work out, to accept it without losing my temper with people around me.  Actually, I find myself pretty forgiving with most people around me, the problem I have is patience with the people really close to me, especially kids at times.  I was talking about this with some of my friends the other day.  I am worst at night, not the whole night, but in the 15 minutes before bedtime when I just want the responsibilities to end and I want to shut my brain off for the day and, “have a little me time” as they say.  Krista always used to sense me getting a little edgy by this time of night and she would say, “Jared, it’s just 15 more minutes.”  That was a really good point.  I find myself falling back on those words as I feel myself getting edgy.  I think many parents can understand this.  It’s when you think the kids are asleep, and you finally let your guard down and then one of them calls, “DAD!”  I seriously almost come unglued sometimes and then try and pull it together so that my kids don’t feel guilty about calling their one parent left.  Shoot.  I really shouldn’t complain either.  My kids go to sleep really well!  (Thank God in Heaven.)

Grace just needs about a minute of patting her back, and a prayer, Soph, a pat, a prayer and a little song, usually Mary Had a Little Lamb.  Jax takes a little more patting and some songs on his little stereo, and he usually wants to talk for a bit.  I seriously have to summon all my energy to be engaged in that conversation because all I want to do is go to the couch or sit down at the computer or something else.  Isn’t that horrible!  It is horrible but I am not alone, especially when I talk to other parents.  All of us as parents usually have something that we have to summon patience for our kids for.   It’s those conversations with Jax that are precious though, and I usually only realize it when I am away from the kids for a few days, or when I get a quiet moment to reflect.   Usually after they are long asleep. 

 I check on my kids every night before I go to bed.  Krista would always ask me three things.  1.  Can you get me my inhaler?  2.  Are the doors locked?  3.Did you check on the kids?  Most times I didn't think about it until she told me, but now I check on those kids and make sure they are breathing every night.  I sometimes go in and worry that they may not be o.k. then I see the chest going up and down and I breathe a sign of relief.  It's just that since Krista, it doesn't seem out of the question that I could lose someone else I love, and I thank God for the opportunity to see those little kids breathing.  I look at them and think,  "It's so peaceful right now. They are warm and safe.  I am lucky to be their dad."  That's what I say to myself. (sorry for just quoting myself there...)  I just hope I can think that more often when they are awake and making a bunch of noise, hahahaha!  I am going to try anyway.  Away time gives you perspective, but  I don't really think it's perspective unless you make use of the revelations you have had.  Otherwise I think "perspective" turns in to "observation" and is pretty much useless.  I need to make use of my perspective when it is given to me...  

I finished this post today, after getting to Memphis and hanging out for the day and I miss my kids already.  Not enough to go home yet! Hahahaha , you know what I mean...  Everyone needs a break every now and then I think. I am so blessed to family who have helped me out by watching them for me from time to time so I can get away for a weekend, for a conference or for just chilling.

Anyway, the point of this message is that I am realizing that I really need to continue to pray for patience as it does not come easy to me at times.  I hope that any of you parents that know what I am talking about can understand and find some encouragement that you are not alone in your patience plight!  REMEMBER: “Only 15 more minutes…”

Krista, Quirks, Coffee, Cordless Phones, Groceries and Trust in a Marriage.

                I don’t know if you are like me, but I had a wife that didn’t like mornings.  Didn’t like, I should say HATED morning.  Each day before I went to work I would wake up and get Jaxon and Grace their cereal or toast, or oatmeal and a banana or strawberries or whatever else was the easiest, that’s why 9 times out of ten it would be a banana halved between the two of them, with some toast or cereal. While they were eating I would get the coffee going.  I would like to say that my wife was happy to see me in the morning, you know, every husband’s dream is to have his wife greet him with a, “ Good morning babe/honey/sweetheart/etc. you sure do look good today, in fact why don’t we head back to the bedroom before you go to work because I just want you so bad...”, sorry about that, that was my IDEAL daily routine dream.  The normal daily routine dream was to have her get up and say, “Have a good day babe, I love you, have a good day.”  Instead, this is what happened, I would make sure the coffee was going because perhaps the aroma would appease Krista subconsciously before I had to wake her up, then I would open the already cracked door and slowly make my way to her side of the bed...

Now I don’t think you can fully understand my predicament until you understand how much my wife loved her coffee.   Here is an account of her view of how important coffee was to her, it is from some of her writings that I found on our computer after she died when I was searching for anything I could to connect with her.  She had always wanted to write a book and this is the start of one chapter...

"The only reason I grudgingly arose and stumbled down the hallway was the aroma of the caramel flavoured coffee in my French press.   I just recently bought the press from Starbucks and I love it.  I like the way it looks sitting on my countertop with its’ little stainless steel cap and legs and I find satisfaction in depressing the plunger and squishing the coarse grounds in the bottom of the glass cylinder.  Today, similar to many mornings, the promise of coffee was the only reason I got up at all. I wake up with that same thought every morning.  Where is my coffee?  I dare say that it has become somewhat of a crutch for me.  I beg off niceties and simple manners until that first cup is settled nicely in my hand, steam wafting up toward me carrying with it the unmistakable smell of fresh-ground beans.  That first cup of coffee never loses it charm for me.  Each day I arise anew with the thought of it drifting through my mind, luring me out of a bed I might otherwise inhabit for the better part of each day.  The world seems softer, more manageable with my hands curled around the warm body of my favorite mug.  I sink into the corner of our couch, arm propped up on a cushion, so that even the effort of bringing mug to mouth is lessened.   I feel something akin to regret when I realize there is only a sip or two left in that first cup of the morning.  Nothing compares to the peace and warmth humbly offered by that first cup.  Though I tirelessly, or more accurately, naively, continue to seek out those same offerings from a second and sometimes even third cup.  My first is always unmatched.  Isn’t that true of many “firsts”.  First love, first kiss, first time, first baby.  We are consumed by “firsts.”  We keep pictures, journals, scrapbooks, mementos, and memories of our firsts, and as we age, the firsts of our children."

     See what I mean.  Do you see the peril awaiting me each morning wake up?  That first cup of coffee held A LOT of meaning obviously.  I can think of a few other friends of hers that have the same affinity for the stuff!  As I entered the room, I always started with a soft voice, “Babe...Babe...It’s time to wake up.”  When that didn’t rouse her, I would touch her shoulder and say it again, always being ready to jump back just in case.  Almost always she would jump as if I intentionally scared her and cringe away from my outstretched hand, her response being, a low mumbled, “Coffee...” or some other variation, “Did you make the coffee?”  Yes I would reply and say,  “I love you , have a good day.”  It is something that I miss dreadfully.   One of those daily things that you do for your spouse that is so engrained that it feels like something is missing each morning.  I don’t drink coffee right away and if I do, I will get a latte from Starbucks or a cup from Tim Horton’s, I don’t need it to function like Krista did.  The thing that was the most interesting about this morning ritual is that it took me about 5 or 6 years of marriage to realize something.  I can’t remember when I realized it EXACTLY , but I realized that she wasn’t grumpy or mad at me each morning, she was just mad AT morning.  My wife just liked to sleep and she felt offended each time the sun called her to wake up.  It was hilarious to come to that realization and it is one of those quirks that I miss so much. "She's not mad at me, she's mad at morning! I would laugh about this everyday. (after I realized it of course!)  Quirks.

Another one that is coming to mind right now is her inhaler.  Krista had asthma and needed two inhalers to keep her going, one was a steroid inhaler and the other was a ventalin type inhaler.  She had this frickin’ disease all her life and do you think she could remember where her inhaler was half the time?  That is a rhetorical question and I hope you caught the sarcasm.  She forgot where that thing was all the time.  It’s one of those things that annoyed the CRAP out of me for about 9 years, she would ask me, JUST before I would come to bed, “Jared, could you get me my inhaler?”  Me, “Where is it babe?” Her, “I don’t know, my purse?”, “No, maybe in the car?” On winter nights when it was freezing out the last thing I wanted to do was go to that car to get her inhaler.  Some of the guys reading this might say, “Dude, I just would have made her go get it herself, you are whipped...” or something to that effect.  I guess I could have done that, I just didn’t have it in me I guess.  The reality is, I didn’t want to tick her off just before bed. ((You know fellas, just in case something might happen...)  (Women reading this, "seriously!  Is that how men think when they come to bed?")  (Yes.))  Honestly though in the the last bit of time we had, I came to laugh at it because it was a funny quirk, it wasn't going to change and I had gotten over myself.  I just realized that it was one of those things in our relationship that was going to happen and it was part of her, and it was kind of cute by this point and not so annoying.  From talking to other friends it seems it’s this way in all marriages.  There are annoying things about your spouse.  Thing is, they are annoyed at some of the things you do to. 

 

Cordless phones.  I carry those things all around the house and when I am done a conversation, I leave them right where I finish.  Krista always put them back on the receiver.  It wasn’t a big deal until the phone rang and neither I nor Krista knew where the phone was.  Ohhhh man that would annoy her so much.  “Jared, why can’t you just put the phone on the receiver please!”  Me, “O.k., O.k. I’ll do it.”  Did I ever do it consistently? No.  That is one of my quirks.  Just like she couldn’t remember her inhaler, she never did tell me she would try and remember though, and that’s interesting...

Groceries.  I would sometimes get a short e-mail from Krista at school like this, “Could you please pick up some milk, lettuce, and tortillas for supper tonight.” I would shoot a quick one back, “sure babe, no problem, how’s your day....etc.”  Then once I had done that I would go about my day, get home after school and as I was entering the house she would be standing there looking at me with the knowing look on her face that said, “You forgot again didn’t you?”  I would look at her and there was nothing to say except, “I’ll be right back.”  I would rush out and get the short list of stuff but I felt like a tool.  Now I know that it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal when your spouse forgets something.   The thing is, I just thought that this was an annoying quirk of mine.  No BIG deal or anything.  The thing is, when you do this multiple times (I think I had a run of a few in a row, or close enough in a row that the times where I correctly completed the mission didn’t amount to a hill of beans) it shows something of yourself I think.  IF YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING, THEN DO IT.  I am talking to both MEN AND WOMEN here!  When you don't do what you say you will do, THIS IS NOT A QUIRK, this is a breach of trust.  Some of you might be thinking, whoa, this guy is pretty intense about forgetting groceries.  Let me explain what I mean.

Obviously there are times where things won’t work out like you think and you won't be able to do what you said you would even though you tried your best. It is important that your spouse recognizes this and forgiveness comes in, but sometimes, when patterns of not completing the things you say you will do begin to arise, you have shown your spouse that you don’t live up to your word and can’t be trusted.  It starts with "small things".  When you can’t remember to pick up groceries WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL, you may not think it’s a big deal, but it means a lot in the way of undermining trust.  Those "small things" have an interesting way of building up into resentment that can drift into many thoughts.

What I am getting at is this, be honest with what you can do for your spouse.  Don’t say you will do something when you know in the back of your mind that you might get to it, but , you aren’t quite sure.  Just TELL THEM that you probably won’t get to it.  Krista used to use this phrase at times, “Don’t overpromise and under deliver.”  That would annoy me because she did it too, but really, we both did it at times.  Trust is so important, once patterns of misunderstanding develop it’s hard not to let trust get undermined when you start discussing the big things in life.  Again, I really think it’s important to set roles and responsibilities in your marriage or relationship that are realistic.  If you can’t be real with your spouse, and are constantly overpromising and under delivering, you are going to have a problem on your hands.   I can tell you that we worked on that, we really did, and I started to feel more confident about what she and I were both expecting so there were no false promises.  I really started to evaluate what I could do, and let her know, instead of getting her hopes up only to fall short.  It was a good thing in our marriage to work that out.  I hope that if you are in a rough spot in your marriage right now, that you can have objective, honest conversations that can get you back on track.  They are not easy, and you may or may not feel like a million bucks after, but I think they are important.  I hope you get the fact that I wasn't perfect,  and don't feel like I know everything,  but just before she passed away I saw some of the benefits of talking about this stuff, you know, how it positively affected my marriage.

Summary:

1.      1.  Each of you has quirks, figure out which ones are actually endearing because they are so ridiculous and unique (and therefore you just need to suck it up when you are annoyed because that is just your spouse, and if you had a different spouse, you would get new annoying quirks.  The grass is not greener...)

2.      2.   Telling someone you will do something, is asking them to trust you.  Just not in those words.  Don’t breach their trust by over promising and under delivering.  I am not saying that if your spouse forgets something every now and then, that you should just lambaste them and call them untrustworthy either.  Forgiveness needs it’s place as well.  It’s when you can tell that your pattern of screw-ups is hurting your spouse.  Whether you think it is a big deal or not, if you said you will do something and you don’t and it hurts your spouse, OWN IT and STOP doing it.

3.       3.  Everyone screws up from time to time, evaluate what battles need to be fought, talk about them, truly listen to the other person.  Don’t brew up arguments against them while they are speaking, just waiting for your moment to let loose your come back argument.  Listen.  They are speaking, that should be important to you.  They should also be listening to you, it should be important to them.  If you don’t think it is, then that is a different issue.  Look after what you can do first though, don’t just look for their negatives.

 

I would do anything to hear her get mad that it’s morning.  I would do anything to go get that frickin’ inhaler from the frickin’ car I can tell you that.  Just thinking about it makes me cry and makes me think about going outside just to freeze a bit, just to relive it, in fact, it's just the right temperature....I’ll talk to you later...

Belonging, Apple, and Christianity

Like I said before, the movie Dolphin Tale spoke to me on a number of levels and I was thinking about the third one.  Belonging.  The kid in the movie is a bit of a social outcast (at least they try and portray that) kept to himself, seeing no reason to interact with anybody.  Once he gets involved with this dolphin, something he cared about, he all of a sudden is interacting with others, a bit shy at first, but once he feels like he belongs his life changes.  Man isn't that the truth.

I think people will do pretty much anything to feel like they belong.  I know that this isn't groundbreaking news. It's what fads are based on.  It's what Apple is based on.  I mean it's no secret that people who are "Apple people" are hardcore for it.  I find that many people that are hardcore Apple people think that they are part of a small group of  people who really "know" where it's at.  They come across a little elitist in my opinion.  It's like all they can talk about is how great their Mac is and how they can't believe you haven't switched over from your archaic PC lifestyle.  (If you own a Mac and are not like this then never mind what I am saying.  Mac people who know PC people like this, switch the context around.  There are PC people who are the same way.  There are people who love their Toyota the same way too.)  Some of them seem to even act like they don't care about status and that they are even part of a revolution at the grassroots level.  Last time I checked though, grassroots didn't involve purchasing something 3 times the price of another product, thereby limiting the people who can even buy it.  The only people who can afford Mac's are not grassroots, everyday people.  They are people with well paying jobs who try to pretend that they are not interested in purchasing expensive things.  People who love their Mac's feel like they are part of a select group of people who know the best way to live using technology available.  They feel like they belong to something.  Some kind of movement, that, if you are not in this movement, then you must be a bit dull because it has taken you so long to join in.  Maybe I'm just bitter because I still use a Dell that works just fine right now when I would really like to go for a Mac. (That's probably the reason, because I think I would really like one.)   I feel like I would become an elitist just like the rest of em though and I don't want to do that.  I feel like I like belonging to the group who complains about the people who talk about their Mac's all the time. (to be honest though, my family has an Iphone, Ipod touch, and Ipod nano(old school version), Ipod shuffle (REALLY old school stick version)  Anyway, I think all of us know people that talk about something in their life like it is the greatest thing ever and all the rest is just second best. To be honest I do this myself with some products I really like.  Either way, you either belong to the one group with or you belong to the group without. 

I am a Christian. I make no bones about it.  The thing that I was just wondering about tonight was what if I look like a Mac user to people who still have questions about what "this Christianity thing" is about.  I am sure that there are many preconceptions about me just because I say I am a Christian.  I wonder if people look at me and go, "He's part of that elitist group who think they know how to live life using the spirituality available right now."  Hmmmm.  I think that sometimes it might come across that way to people.  Not just me but all Christians.  That we're all a little on the jerk side.  It probably rubs people the wrong way that we feel like we have found something important that is the truth.  As soon as people think that you think that you have found the truth, thereby telling them that they do not have truth, it can get tense.  It's like me not being able to afford a Mac and having some hipster tell me that there is nothing that can come close to it and if you don't have one and are a "PC person" then you are really just spinning your wheels.  You feel like saying, "Look you inconsiderate jerk, some of us don't make the money it takes to buy one of those, and you rubbing it in my face just makes me more annoyed at you.  It certainly does not make me want to buy a Mac. In fact, there is more than one way to live life and I am doing fine with the way I am doing it now." The PC user may say this even though they wish there was a way that they could purchase a Mac, but they are just so in debt that they feel there is no way to do it.  They've made some bad purchases and their credit is maxed.

Everyone is searching for belonging, and at the core of Christianity is the hope of being accepted.  Accepted by a Creator of all things.  Now if you don't believe in God, you find this stupid.  I wonder if some people who are atheists sometimes choose atheism because even though they would like to have hope in something, they look at the way people of various religious belief around the world, and how they conduct themselves and they just think, "even if I did think there may be something out there, I would not want to work it into any of those paradigms, it just can't be like that.  Therefore it's better for me to make a choice to not believe at all." I am not going to try and apologize for Christian beliefs right now.

I guess I just want to say that I can understand where the people who think that Christianity is like Apple are right at times.  I guess  it would look like a club of people who act like they have the greatest product ever produced, in a religious sense.  Maybe they might seem a bit elitist to you.  Like a big country club.  They get together on Sundays and meet and sing about good things and try to put a positive spin on life, even when the world is falling apart.  That must seem sort of stupid.  People get dressed in their "Sunday Best" when much of the world is starving and has no clothing at all.  That seems stupid too.  You might know some people who say they go to a certain church on Sunday, but you see them throughout the rest of the week and they are just like you, or much of the time WORSE than you are.  How can Christianity claim to be the best product out there when I am getting by just fine (or better than fine in my opinion) on my own?

Well I am sorry that Christianity comes across like that when it was never meant to be a club.  It was meant for everybody, and made so that we could love everybody the best that could be done.  It has had a rough go of trying to figure out what to stand for and what to let go.  It seems to me that my faith has gotten more simple and more complex as I get older.  More simple in that it is about Jesus Christ and figuring out how to let people know that there is forgiveness in a seemingly unforgiving world.  All the rules that I thought I learned as a kid have fallen off or changed a bit.  That's the complex part.  In this changing world, I don't think that the Bible has changed, but our interpretations of what it says have changed at times.  I'm talking about  things like drinking as an example, something that when I was younger I thought very conservatively about, and now I will have a drink every now and then.  I still don't think it's a good idea to go get hammered, but I used  to think that God would be VERY upset with me if I even took a drink.  Alcohol is something that can get people into a lot of trouble though, so I'm not saying just have at 'er but I'm not saying we should go back to prohibition.  There are a lot of issues that polarize people in this world.  I wish we could talk about them, hear both sides. I don't know that I can have a definitive answer for some things.  Some of you may find that horrible, that I should have an answer for a question.  I'm just being honest I guess.  The one thing I do believe in definitively is that Christ can pay your debt.  It's weird to say out loud that you believe that the death of a human man on a Roman Cross 2000ish years ago (who was born of a virgin no less) can give cause for celebration because of the magnitude of forgiveness that this one act offers all humanity.  It does sound weird.  But, I think that basically all faiths sound really weird when you say them out loud.  I even think Atheism sounds weird.  That we just happened to come about, that the planet Earth just happens to be in exactly the right spot in the cosmos for us to have randomly have formed.  That a molecule called DNA was made and just happened to start replicating itself.  I know all the arguments for the start of time and all that and I sometimes wonder if God used that method to get us going, but can't you agree that it is pretty overwhelming, and a little weird?

The place where my Mac analogy falls apart is that I think that getting a Mac is expensive.  It costs you a lot of money.  Getting Christ doesn't cost a lot of money, but it does cost.  I think the thing it costs me the most is my pride.  To admit that I need something else to save me is really hard sometimes.  I don't like it, turning to, and having to submit to something else.  I mean, I do alright.  I do good things.  I make a difference in this world.  I guess that I just believe that at our darkest hours, during our hardest times (which all of us have) I have a need. I don't believe in God just because he can help me though, I do believe that, but I believe he can help us, as a human race, if we will submit our pride and wrongdoings, submit our debts as it were and trust in someone who has the capital to bail us out.  I don' know how he makes his living, but I know he has the ability to erase my debt.  I call Him up often, sometimes not often enough I think, and ask for understanding as to the outstanding balance for my account.  I think the Bible tells us that once we commit our lives to God, he pays the balance and it is always zero.  Hard for me to understand how someone could do this for me, but like I said, I don't quite understand His line of work.  I think that as I get older and continue to search and talk to Him, I will understand just a minute fraction of a trillionth of how He does his work, but it will be worth it.

I hope the if you are bitter at Christians that you can see that we really don't think we are better than anyone else.  We just happen to do jerkface things sometimes that may give you that impression.  The thing is, the essence of what we believe teaches that nobody is better than anyone else, we are just working hard at believing it, and sometimes we fail.  If you have been thinking about giving God a chance, or a second chance or third chance etc. don't let a Christian get in the way of God.  You can get to Him directly by the way.  Talk to Him, see what you think after.

Anyway, I hope you feel loved and have a sense of belonging in your life.  I'm trying to talk to God more about it myself, and I hope I didn't come across as a jerk in this blog today.