How Do You Make Sense Of It? And Gandalf.

     My grandmother-in-law is 95. 95 years old.  Violet has seen so much history happen that it's hard to believe.  She used to be able to tell stories on the farm that are just fascinating to a city boy like me.  She lives in seniors' care facility in Lethbridge and has a boyfriend there. I'm not kidding.  She has a boyfriend, they sit at the same table to eat, and they used to have conversations and keep each other company.  I think that's what people do when they are dating and in their 90's.  

     I said she "used to be able to tell stories" because she is not doing all that well at the moment.  I went to visit her today and Violet is not her chipper self.  She is 95, and for the first time since I've known her, she looks 95.  It is strange to see it.  I love Violet.  She's cheeky, and has always had a quick wit.  One time when I was giving her a hug she bit my earlobe. Hahahaha, yes, that's Violet.

     In a few conversations over the past year that I have had with her, she had expressed the thought that, and I am paraphrasing here, that, "I am ready to go." Now those aren't the exact words, but they do represent her sentiment.  It wasn't a longing to pass on, it was more of an acceptance.  My mind cannot comprehend it.  I was looking into her eyes as she said it too.  It wasn't like she was putting on a brave face, or saying it in a way that she was trying to convince herself it was true.  It was just a pure thought.  

     A friend of mine just lost his wife last night.  He's an older gentleman and this morning he came over to talk to me about it.  He knows I understand what it's like.  There are no words to say when someone comes over and tells you something like that.  I prayed with him, and found myself reliving all of the confusion of what happened to me 5 years ago in August when Krista passed away.  I actually have a hard time realizing what I went through or how I went through it.  How I am still going through it, but in a totally different way than at the start.

    I am seeing a psychologist just to run things by him and make sure that I am doing the best that I can as my life shifts into new stages.  A counselling role is what I appreciate him for.   I think it's good for people that have gone through hard things in life to consult someone who has helped other people find their way.  It doesn't mean that you are "crazy" or have to be having a "mental breakdown" to consult someone who is trained to see people through life situations.  I think it's helpful, and nothing to be ashamed of.

     Anyway, he's gold.  He asked me last time to take some moments to sort out my thoughts on this question, "How do you make sense of Krista's death?"  

    Now, really, I don't think anyone can "make sense" of death.  Not really.  In this, I mean that I can't understand it fully.  I don't know that you can fully understand something like death until you are the one it is going to happen to.  It is a scary thing to me.  I have a faith in God that points to another life after this one, but that doesn't mean that the way that I need to travel to get there isn't scary to me.

     I was talking to Krista's Uncle the other day and he was mentioning how strange it felt to him that he was old.  He said that one day "oldness" just seemed to arrive without any warning.  It's like he was young and then it just sunk in that he was old.  His body didn't feel the same, he was more tired than he ever could remember being, and he was confronted with the fact that some day he would not be here.  Then he got all apologetic about going on about being old, that, "You don't want to hear someone talk about this." But I assured him that I have thought about this quite a bit, and to hear someone speak on the subject who has contemplated it first hand is important.  People that are older are wiser, they just are.  

     Now this isn't ALWAYS the case, but on things of life and death I find it to be true nearly all the time.  People who are older know things that younger people don't. 

    I realize this isn't a very uplifting blog post at the moment.  It's not meant to be.  Well, not just yet.  I think it very important to think about one's own mortality from time to time.  It slaps us out of complacency in life.  Well, it does for me anyway, but how do you make sense of death?

     The thing about death is that everyone will experience it personally.  We had a cancer research fundraiser at our school that our students organized.  They raised over $7500 for research.  One of the organizers performed a powerful illustration to impress upon the students the magnitude of this disease.  She had the students stand up, and then would proceed to make sections of students sit down or stay standing based on current cancer stats.  It was amazing to see the high percentage of people who are affected by this disease.  Now if we did the same illustration for death, and asked students to all stay standing if they were going to experience death, 100% of the students would have been standing.

No one is escaping it.

No one.

Now, I don't dwell on this thought everyday, but it does cross my mind everyday when I say goodbye to my kids in the morning when I leave for work.  I always have this quick thought, "What if I don't see them again?"  Now this could be a horrible thing if I let myself be consumed by it, but when it hits, what it really does is make me realize what's important right now.  I am amazed what things become quickly unimportant when compared with losing life.  

So how do I make sense of Krista's death?  

1.  I guess the first thing is that I know she was going to die.  Now, I will never understand the timing, but I do have to admit that fact. When I remember this, I can be thankful for the time I had with her in the first place, and can also realize how important time is.  I go back to my favourite quote in all of movies, Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring.  Frodo is talking to him and expressing his sadness/confusion/worry about the fact that a horrible ring had come into his life.  If you don't know the story, I feel sorry for you and you should immediately either read the books, starting with The Hobbit, then The Lord of the Rings trilogy, or go watch the movies. Anyway here is what he says.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Now I have no idea why Krista passed away, nor do I believe that God makes bad things happen to people just for his purpose.  I think the fact of the matter is that there is darkness in this world and death, as well as light and life.  I don't think God pulls the strings to drop horrible things on us, saying, "Hey, I'm going to do this to you so that you can minister to others in tough situations."  I just don't think that.  "Why do bad things happen?" is not an easy question to answer for me.  There are many books written on the varying thoughts on that subject.  My point is not to answer the "Why?" more about how to think about the, "What are you going to do now that something bad has happened?" question.  I feel like there is nothing to do but decide to make use of the time that has been given to me. (I'm not trying to sound gallant and act like this always makes real sense to me, but this quote always reminds me of what I hope I can live like)

2. I believe in Jesus Christ.  I believe that He was the Son of God and that somehow his death on a cross gives power over darkness in the world.  That may sound like balderdash to you, (I am efforting to bring back the term "balderdash" it is a fantastic word)  and I am not pretending to know the answers to all the questions about how I can believe this over another religious faith, or even the absence of one, as expressed through atheism.  I think that any person who declares themselves 100% confident in their world view is someone who hasn't really thought it through.  No matter who you are, you live by some code that you deem fit.  Even Christianity has many different denominations who believe slightly different things and some people make a big deal out of this.  I guess if you want to talk about it that's your business, but I don't care about the differences in how someone is baptized or how they pray. They all believe in Christ though.

The reason I say all that stuff about faith is because that is one way that I make "sense" of Krista's death.  I believe that there is a hope for something.  There are differences in the way that some Christians interpret this "heaven" idea.  It may mean something different to me than some other Christian (By the way, I don't believe this is a flaw in Christianity, I think it's something to be discussed and understand that there may not be a full consensus throughout the Christian church and that isn't essential to people having faith in God).  The point is that I have a sense of hope.  That is the point I am trying to make.  I believe there is a purpose greater than myself to this life.  I'm not always good at living that out, I have a tendency to think about "me things" and be selfish at times, but I think there is something deeper to this place.  Something greater than just happening to be the lead species on a giant ball of rock and water hurtling through space and time.  

3.  I am convinced that life cannot continue without joy.  Joy needs to be found in the smallest of places.  I say this like I have something to say about not having joy.  The reality of my life is that at the moment I live in a rich country, have a good job, have supportive family and friends, and have healthy children.  I have very little to be melancholy about.  Mourning and despair are not the same thing.  Grieving the loss of something or someone extremely significant is not the same as throwing in the towel and deciding to never find joy again.  I believe joy/contentment in and through life is something that is hard to keep from leaving, but it is important to come back to.  I'm not talking joy like, "Oh MAN I JUST GOT THIS SICK NEW PHONE, I'M SO PUMPED!" kind of excitement. (which isn't always bad by the way)  I'm talking about a peace that permeates you.  For me, this comes along with the point #2, but for you it may be different.

Here's the thing I think about over and over again.  I have this one life to live in the way that the world is right now.  I don't know what it will look like when I pass on.  I may as well live it.  

Also, I have this strange feeling that if I was dogging it, and living in the gutter all the time, and not experiencing the joy that life can bring, well let's just say I think Krista was the kind of woman who wouldn't stand for that nonsense, and I may get a supernatural kick in the teeth for wasting my time.   I don't really think that would happen, but I don't want to mess with it.

I hope that if you have had trials and tough times, that you can find the way back to joy.  If you ever want to talk, I would be totally cool with that.