Claustrophobia, Krista, and Unleashing the Fury

Women are truly amazing.  Seeing my wife go through labour with each of our three kids made happy about two things simultaneously.  Number 1 - It made me glad I was a man, and Number 2 - that God made women so ridiculously strong.  If men had to have children I think the human race would never have existed because after that first one, men would be like, “Hey, that was stupid.  That hurt really bad and now I have this thing to take care of that basically can’t do jack.  Pretty sure I’m not going to do that again.”  That is hyperbole of course, but you get my meaning.  Women have this ability to forget about the pain and then want to have even more humans. 

They forget until it gets close to the time when the baby is to be born, and then, they remember.  I remember talking to Krista about it, and her getting a little rattled about what was about to come.  She knew what pain was coming and there was no way out of it.  Krista didn't like the idea of something she couldn't have any control over. Things like that made her feel trapped.  Krista was beautiful and brilliant and inspiring, but she was a bit claustrophobic at times and that led to some pretty hilarious, “They weren’t funny at the time, but are funny now” type stories.

One time, we went on a trip before we had kids.  We drove from Lethbridge out to Vancouver and then headed south on Highway 101 along the Pacific Coast of the States to San Francisco, then over to Vegas and then home.  I wouldn’t say the whole trip was without kids because I’m pretty sure that Jaxon was conceived in Sin City.  (Jaxon if you ever read this book, I hope that isn’t too distressing a fact for you.  In my opinion you should celebrate it because, well, you wouldn’t be here otherwise...)  When we were in Vegas we boarded a monorail that went from one Casino to the other and when it closed.  Krista freaked out a bit.  To be honest, she is one of the most confident women you would ever meet, but on that occasion, she just wasn’t.  She started crying and wanting to get out and she was so distraught I even picked up the emergency phone to call someone.  What would I say?  NO IDEA.  The thing is, the emergency phone didn’t even work. (that was unsettling) 

Now I would like to say that I was the model husband who supported his wife and just held her in his arms saying, “Whatever it takes babe, I’ll help you.”  Yah, that wasn’t me.  I mean, I held her and picked up the emergency phone, but I was looking at the other passengers with a, “I know you think this is strange and crazy, and, I agree with you.” 

Krista never liked elevators either, she would always take the stairs, and not just for health reasons.  She just hated elevators.  One more story and then I’m done with this claustrophobia thing.  We were on a ferry going from Vancouver Island to Vancouver the Easter before she passed away.  We had done the trip because we had been exploring the option to work at a camp called Camp Quanoes on Vancouver Island.  (more on that later)  We got on the ferry and everything was gold.  We were having a great trip, and then it came time to get back in our cars and drive off.  We got in. I turned the key.  A couple turns of the engine and then nothing.  Panic starts to set in because I can’t believe that the car won’t start and we are trying to get off this boat after a long day of travel with two kids (5 and 3 at the time) and a pregnant, uncomfortable, tired wife. 

 

I try again, nothing.  The cars start driving off and here we are, holding everyone up.  It wasn’t my fault at all, but it sure felt like it.  We keep trying  and then we go up and try and talk to someone about it, and find out that if we want to get off the ferry we had better get off now.  We were upstairs in the ferry at that time, and so we get to the elevator to get down to the level where we have to get out.  Krista is NOT going on the elevator so I take the kids on it and she takes the stairs but goes the wrong way.  She can’t find us and knows that time is of the essence because the ferry had to leave in minutes to stay on schedule. Tick, tock.  She was getting off with the kids to meet her dad and then I would travel with the car and try and get it boosted in Victoria because ferry rules stated that they weren’t allowed to let cars give each other a boost while on the ship. Tick Tock.  She still can’t find us so calls to an official on the ferry extremely upset and says in a really rattled voice, “There’s a man with my two kids trying to leave the ship!”

Now let me explain something to you.  She forgot to mention that the “man” with the kids was her husband with their two kids.  The officer freaks out and gets on the radio, yelling to people on the other end that there is a man trying to leave the ship, attempting to abduct this poor woman’s two kids.  Krista realized nearly immediately the miscommunication, clarified that the “man” was indeed her husband, and then drew the glare of the officer who was clearly annoyed with the missed details.

She directed Krista to the proper place.  Krista, clearly extremely frustrated came walking at a rather brisk pace, with a “Get out of my way suckers.” type look on her face.  Without much of a conversation with me, grabbed a bag, the kids, Grace in one arm and Jaxon in the other with a bag and started walking off the ship.

In my mind, I remember hoping for a tender moment.  Sort of like in the movies when things go sideways and just before the bomb explodes, the two people in love look at each other, and say, “No matter what happens, I love you!  I WILL FIND  YOU!!!!!” Followed by a nice big kiss and all that.  

Well I guess if I’m being honest,  I was hoping that I could get a kiss or hug from her to assure me that she wasn’t mad at me, just at the situation, but that didn’t happen. (Why I was worried about my own needed reassurances here is beyond me.  Basically I was being selfish in this situation I think.)  So here I am yelling, “Krista! Krista! Krista......” Again, like in a war movie where they aren’t sure they are ever going to see each other again.  One person running in to the battle to save unprotected, at risk orphans, explosions going off all around.  While the other person watches at a distance yelling slow mo, “Noooooooooooooooo!” type stuff.  Well that’s the only way I can describe it was kind of like on a smaller explosion and war and orphan scale but pretty high emotional level.  Krista disappearing, walking into the horizon off the ship with the kids as the platform slowly rises, never turning back.  She was pretty annoyed that night.  

I wish I would have had the vision and the strength to handle myself better, not worrying if she was mad at me or anything and just going straight to the job of trying to figure out what was best.  Fellas, sometimes your spouse just needs you to not care about your own feelings and let her be ridiculous.  They need to know that you are not going to crack when things go sideways.  In my opinion it does not mean that you just keep a brave face no matter what and never truly open up about things that matter to you.  I don’t mean that you become inauthentic, but there are times when you need to step outside yourself and realize that she just needs to vent, or be mad, and it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it’s just that you happen to be the only thing she feels comfortable unleashing her fury too at that moment.  I think that’s actually a measure of trust, if it only happens from time to time.  If she is constantly on you, then there are probably deeper problems there that you need to get to the root of.  

Now ladies, the thing is, your spouse needs to hear after you have your head on straight after “the unleashing of your fury” that it wasn’t him.  You may think that a man needing to hear that is weak or something, but it isn’t.  It’s called communication.  You can’t expect someone to honestly communicate with you if you don’t do it yourself.  We aren’t perfect in the ways we handle all situations, but neither are you.   I think I probably could have decreased the stress level.  

Basically, I hope that both people in a relationship can communicate their needs to one another because that's important.  If you aren't sure that they understand where you are coming from, make it clear.  "Ah man, that sounds a lot of work!" Yep. It's worth it too.  

I am sure my kids won't age.

I know I will be like this.

Tonight was family movie night.  We watched Hotel Transylvania and it was pretty good, but a little scary in parts for Grace and Jax.  Just startling parts where something pops out of somewhere you don't expect and jazz like that. PG movies are a little different than G.

Anyway, the whole story is essentially about how Dracula has this hotel for monsters so they can get away from humans and accidentally a human kid, (young adult) who is backpacking around the world ends up at the hotel.  Dracula does everything he can to get rid of the kid, hilarity ensues and all types of things happen so he doesn't leave.  Dracula has a daughter and she ends up being smitten by this young human that she doesn't know is a human because Dracula has disguised him as a cousin of Frankenstein.  Of course she finds out that he is human, but in the end, love knows no bounds and they are together.  Ahhhhh, happy times.

What the crap does that have to do with the Subaru commercial?  Well, Dracula has to let his daughter go at some point and he has a hard time coming to terms with that and I am pretty sure that I will go through the same thing.  When I was tucking in Grace, we were talking about how someday she would become 18 and 20, and how that is weird to me because I thought I would always see her as my little girl.  I don't know if I am just tired or what, but the thought of her leaving at some point brings tears to my eyes.  Not because I am not excited for her future, but because she will always be my girl.  I'll tell you what, the first guy that comes around this joint interested in Grace will be welcomed in, but when the moment is right, (meaning Grace is out of earshot) I'm going to take that little sucker aside and be sure to remind him that, "If you do anything to hurt my daughter I will kill you."  "I. Will. Destroy. You."  Then I will smile and wave as they leave on their date, with the assurance that I have put the fear of God in that boy.

Grace will always be my little girl.  Soph will always be my little girl.  Jax will always be my boy.  As they grow up, learning how best to be a parent to them is complicated.  You don't realize how crazy your own growing up must have been to your parents until you see your own kids grow up. I have been looking through some of Krista's writings lately as I try and write this book about my thoughts about marriage and kids and grief and other stuff.  I wanted to share what Krista wrote about parenting that I  find very meaningful.

     "It’s an hour past her bedtime already but our three year old daughter is having none of it.  She recently became the, “I need to go the bathroom...another glass of water...my blankets on...my blankets off... where’s my teddy?” child.    This routine is relatively new for us.  Jared and I have reluctantly adapted by taking turns making the weary trek down the hallway.  This evening Gracie is in rare form.  She has already been to the bathroom twice; say, “No” to that request and I’ve guaranteed myself another load of laundry as a result of a 3:00am wet-bed, wake-up call. She has interchangeably insisted she is too hot, too cold, itchy, achy, and lonely.  She sounds a little like she’s entertaining some far-off relations of the seven dwarves.  Jared has just re-joined me in bed after journeying back from his fourth trip to Gracie’s room.  We simultaneously let out sighs of exhaustion when we hear Gracie call for us...again.  

     Jared turns to me and asks with exasperation, “What do we do?”  At that same moment, her call becomes a little softer, “Daddy, will you rock me like a baby?”  We look at each other, and I open my mouth to speak but he is already rising from the bed.  How many more years will she make that simple request?  One, two, five?  I smile and my heart fills with a surge of love as I watch my husband, all 6’5”, 245lbs of him, wipe away a tear and choke out the words, “I’m coming baby.”
     
     Most any parenting books will tell you that Jared’s response to our daughters’ plea was incorrect on many levels. For starters, we should have been firm and denied her a second sip of water or another song.  And of course we should have refused to venture down the hallway to her room multiple times no matter how insistent or loud her cries became.  Our approach to our daughter differs vastly from our approach to our firstborn son.  
     
     When we first brought Jaxon home from the hospital we cradled a parenting book in one arm and him in the other for the first six weeks of his life. We were so terrified of “damaging” him that we consulted complete strangers for advice on everything from how many minutes he “should” be nursing, to how long he “should” be awake, to how old he “should” be when he starts sleeping through the night.  We didn’t dare to trust our instincts about this tiny creature we had helped create; who were we to know?  Fortunately, with the wisdom that comes with maturity and the passing of time we have realised, who are we not to know?  

     We are the parents of our children.  I personally carried each of them for over 275 days.  I felt them kick and turn, hiccup and stretch.  Jared felt tiny feet and knees through the taut skin of my nine-months pregnant belly.  We journeyed through the birth of each of our children side-by-side; joined together in purpose by each contraction and each rapid baby heartbeat. We looked into the limitlessly deep dark eyes of our minutes-old babies and felt immediate and un-surpassing love flood through our veins and take root instantly and eternally. We leaned close to press lips against incomparably soft skin and to breathe in the scent of us; combined and entwined together in these new lives.  Who on earth could possibly know these babies better than us?  Who on earth could possibly be better equipped ?  The answer is simple.  No one."

     As parents know, parenting is the act of teaching your kids how to be independent while simultaneously training yourself to let them go.  Obviously they will always be my kids, just as I am to my parents.  Some people reading this may have not experienced a positive home life.  I hope that when you have your own kids that you can see the things that you want to change and not have them affect you.  Parenting is hard, but I hope that as I see my kids grow up that I can parent them the way they need.  Obviously I'm thinking about the fact that I should have had Krista here to be part of the team of "Who on earth could be better equipped".  I lament the fact that I we can't do this together.  Although I think Krista is right about her and I being the best to know these babies, there is also a community of people around who are part of the team, and that is an encouraging thought.  I know that what Krista really meant to do with this passage is to empower parents to understand that they should trust their instincts with their kids.  There is only so much reading and learning and comparing with other families that a parent should do.  You are equipped. You can do it.  You can make decisions that have the best interests of your kid.  Be confident.

Those of you who aren't parents who read up to here, thanks for reading. I don't know why you kept reading because I don't have any lick of an idea as to how this would apply to you but I appreciate your hanging out with these words for a little bit.  

I hope you all have a grand 'ol night.

Proposing to Krista - New Year's Eve - 1998

December 31st 1998 was important to me.  When I played basketball in university we always went to the University of Winnipeg tournament at Christmas and always came back on New Year's Eve.  This New Year's Eve was different for me.  It's the day I proposed to Krista.  I guess you could say that proposal started the summer before when I went on a trip with Athletes In Action (a Christian sports ministry) to India and Thailand.

Just before I left,  Krista and I had tension in our relationship. We had been together for a couple of years (with a few breaks in the middle of those years, but that's another couple of stories...) and we were coming to the point in our relationship where we needed to commit to each other for real, for good, or risk not getting closer, and thus more annoying to each other until we broke up. This will be really conservative and old fashioned to some of you, but I think you should be married before you live together and need that commitment to have a deeper physical and spiritual relationship.  I know that marriage today doesn't seem like much of a commitment anymore to about 50% of the population that gets married because that's the percent that gets divorced, but I still think this way. Like the other 50%.  Now don't let me act all pious and try and fool you that Krista and I remained "pure" in our physical relationship before we were married.  We messed around here and there, but I wish I hadn't now.  Either way, I didn't feel right about that physical stuff, neither did Krista, and we both knew that marriage was the next right step in both our minds.  We needed to commit to each other for our relationship to grow in ways that we both wanted it too, that just dating couldn't resolve.  We knew that to work on goals and dreams that marriage provided the platform we both wanted to see in place to foster those things.  The thing is, Krista knew this FAR earlier than I did. She was ready to marry me. (Poor Girl!) I was rattled to make that commitment.  I loved Krista, no question about it.  I honestly was just a little rattled at that big of a decision, and I had it in my mind that I needed to get a job, and graduate, and then once that worked out, then we could get married.  I honestly don't know why I had those ideas, but I did and they were real. 

Anyway, when I left for Athletes in Action training camp and said goodbye to Krista, I honestly thought, "This trip is going to tell the tale man.  You need to sort this out.  Depending on what happens on this trip in your emotions and thoughts, you have to make a decision."  I was looking for clarity.  Nothing like doing missions with a group of great guys to get your head on straight!  As it would happen, two of the guys on my team, Mano Watsa, and Derek Maat, had just been married and we talked a lot about it.  Mano said to me, "You have to think to yourself, when Krista is at her worst, do you still want to be with her?" My answer was YES, well maybe more of a Yes, not quite all capitals, all emphatic like that.  Another thing they talked to me about was that if you wanted to be with someone, then having a job, or being graduated doesn't amount to a hill of beans really.  If you want to be with someone, you go through things together.  Nothing else matters but being together.  Going through the struggles of life together is what marriage is really all about.  (High school kids in love, I don't think you quite know what "Going through life together" means yet, so don't get married in high school.)  Well, I remembered calling Krista, it was from India somewhere, and letting her know that I loved her so much, and I could marry her tomorrow.

Guys, let me tell you something.  Don't tell a girl that you are ready to marry her tomorrow if you don't have a plan for when that "tomorrow" really is.  I really did love Krista and I knew I wanted to marry her, but I didn't have money for a ring yet, and I was getting into my last season of basketball in university and I was trying to sort out when to ask this girl to marry me.  Krista wanted it to be immediate.  I DID tell her that I could marry her "tomorrow".  That meant tomorrow to her.  I don't think anyone would really accuse Krista of being a really patient person when she wanted something.  If they did, they she would be wrongly accused because she was not patient much of the time.

Anyway, the semester went on and I came up with a plan.  I was going to propose on New Year's Eve.  I bought a ring with my trusty buddy John Tschritter right beside me.  Then waited. The thing is, Krista was done waiting.  It was especially bad when her parents came to Medicine Hat (my hometown) for Christmas for both our families to be together and I did not propose.  Oh man, that was bad.  Her parents, sister and all my family knew when I was going to do it, but for her that was impossibly hard on her.  I remembered her saying to me, "When are you going to ask me?"  I remember saying, "Do you want it to be awesome or do you just want me to chuck the ring at you?"  Of course she didn't answer me because she knew it was rhetorical, but I also knew that I needed to end the rhetoric real quick.  REAL. QUICK.

Fortunately I left the next day for Winnipeg for the tournament, and here's how I proposed to my wife.

I left the ring before we left in the capable hands of Christine Rollingson, wife of my team mate and now everyone's favorite dentist, Tim Rollingson.  Why did I leave the ring with her?  Have you been to downtown Winnipeg?  I wasn't leaving that ring in my hotel room for 5 days to have it stolen or get lost.  The plan was for her to give me the ring when I got off  the plane when we got back.  After the tournament, in which I played awesome, (had to put that in because it's true, and I am hanging on to the fact that I once was an elite athlete)  we boarded the plane back to Lethbridge, and when we changed planes in Calgary, I bought a dozen roses from the airport florist.  When we flew back to Lethbridge, I gave each of the guys on my team one of the roses and they all came out of the plane in a line in front of me, each handing Krista a rose as they came out.  I wanted the guys on my team to be involved because they were like extended family to me.  She was so distracted by the roses that she didn't see Christine come and sneak me the ring. (Sidenote: when Krista and Christine were hanging out waiting for us, Christine stoked the fire by asking Krista, "So did Jared propose yet?" (all the while holding the ring in her pocket) Krista responded a bit dejectedly with a sigh, "No, not yet...")

All the guys gave her a rose, and then I came with the last one, got on one knee, and asked the question.  "Krista, I love you, will you marry me?" "YES!" was the answer, and then I tried put the ring on her finger.  Well, I tried to put the ring on her finger, but it was a little small.  "I can get it resized Krista, if it..."   "Jared, IT FITS." Krista JAMMED that sucker on there.  Hahahahaha, a couple days later she had to go to the jeweler, get it cut off because it was cutting off circulation, and then get it resized.  Remember that patience thing I was telling you about before?

My coach had called the Herald to let them know that I was going to be doing this and they came and did a story on it for the paper the next day.  He had someone video tape it for us too.  Thanks again Coach! That meant so much to me.  So who was the lead story on January 1st 1999? 

 

I will remember that day for the rest of my life.  I am sitting here crying right now, I wish I could look back at this with her.  I haven't cried like this for a few months.  I miss her.  I miss that smile.

Anyway, the rest of the night was vintage poor university student date material.  We went to Boston Pizza to celebrate and one of my buddies, Jason Peters, who is gold, had set up a little table out of the way for us. He had set a single birthday candle on a plate (with melted wax it stood up.) to provide mood lighting.  It was awesome.  We had dessert, and it was a great night. 

So, as you enter this new year, I hope your life is filled with love.  I am in a place now where I truly think I want something like this in my life again.  I don't know how that looks, nor do I know if I am ready for something like that.  I am sure that I think I want to be in a place where I want it though.  If there is nothing like this again in my life, I will be sad about that in some respects I think.  But, I will love life.  I feel very loved by my friends and family.  There is such a difference in being loved by someone where you feel special, the only one, set apart.  I miss being loved by, and showing love to, Krista.  Maybe sometime in my life it happens again.  Maybe not.

One thing I want young people in love and thinking about marriage or commitment to think about is this.  Is the person you are with someone you want to go through the hardships of life with?  Can you count on them?
Do you trust them with your soul?  With your heart's desires?  If you don't, don't commit to them.  Hold out for the person who you can do that with. (It may be the same person, just not right now.)  Look, no one is going to be perfect and everyone lets each other down once and a while. But, if there is a lingering doubt in the character of the other person, (you know what I mean, that doubt that you keep trying to convince yourself doesn't exist) don't put yourself in the spot to create pain in your life through the problem of mistrust. Being single is better than being trapped in a relationship where you are living in fear of what the other person's commitment is.  If you are married, and it has been some time since you felt connected on that level,  encourage you to work at it.  Get counseling, talk, go on a trip, do something to get back to why you married each other.

 

I will leave you with this.  I wish you a happy and healthy New Year! and if anyone wants to steal this idea to use as their own, I will gladly help you figure out the details.   I love this stuff.