I felt like sitting down and writing some stuff but as I sit here I can't think of anything specific I want to write about. Some weeks a thought has been sitting in my mind, but this week I have been a bit under the weather (feeling a bit better now) and I just have felt mentally tired. I have been planning all kinds of stuff for the summer. I hate doing that, but love what comes of it. I think I don't like to commit sometimes because I like to have an excuse for not having to make things work out sometimes. If I never really commit, I don't have to live up to any expectations.
Krista liked to make decisions, sometimes this was a good thing, and sometimes I think my methodical way of flogging an issue to death until it almost had no relevance anymore was more the way to go. I now have to make all the decisions. I have friends and family that give me advice when I ask, but ultimately it comes down to me. I have a faith in Jesus Christ. This is what I lean on. I can't remember what book I read it in, I am pretty sure it was Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, but I remember the author talking about how being able to leave things to God can make our decisions easier. If we had to make all our decisions and truly realize that each decision could change the course of our lives, we would be overcome by the pressure and find it hard to make a decision either way. Some of you may disagree because you don't believe in God, and you feel like you are equipped to make decisions and you can deal with whatever comes. I guess I have a hard time with that and I like to believe there is Someone to lean on.
Think of all the seemingly random things that have happened in your life. I mean, I thought when I was in high school that the only girl for me was going to be Erin Bruins. She was great. She really, really was. When I was in high school and she was in college (Yes, you read that right, I had a girlfriend in college when I was in high school. Fellas you can slap me on the back and congratulate me the next time you see me. For all the women out there, you can roll your eyes at my not so thinly veiled bragging attempt.) She was all of 5'4" and played soccer for Medicine Hat College. I thought we would be together forever when I was in high school, and we were together for about 2 years. From my Grade 12 year to the beginning of my second year of university. I loved her. I think many of the people reading this may have had a "first love" at one point in your life. Thing is, times changed, I went to U of L and she transferred to U of C and I stayed at U of L and things just didn't work. Hilarious story that involves Krista and Erin though. I remember when Krista and I were just friends, I caught a ride with Krista's mom and her to Calgary to visit Erin one weekend when Krista was going home and I remember the conversation driving up. I was describing Erin to Krista's mom, saying how she was short and blonde and that I could never see myself with someone who was really tall or with brown hair. Never. Hahahha, that came back to bite me didn't it?!
It just happened that after my first year at school Krista phoned me in the summer and we had a great conversation, we weren't into each other or anything, it was just a great talk. I remember being really excited to get back to school and see Krista, just to hang out to be honest.
About a month or two into school that second year having a revelation of sorts. I think that as much as Erin and I cared about each other, we both knew it wasn't really working to where we were happy in our situation, it was kind of like work for the sake of making it work. I remember at this point one night having this epiphany, "WHAT ABOUT KRISTA? HOW COULD YOU HAVE NOT NOTICED HER? YOU DUMMY!" I saw Krista in a completely different light all of a sudden. Erin and I broke up before Krista and I started dating, but it was only a few weeks until we had our first date. (I'll admit, it was a quick move on and a bit of a dog thing to do having a first date a couple of weeks later, Krista never initiated it though, I did.) I was going to make Krista supper, but I had sprained my ankle severely in practice and I honestly could barely stand, so I ordered pizza and put some candles in some two litre pop bottles (college people have NO extra money as many of you know) and we watched a movie. I don't remember the movie because I was too busy navigating when to try and hold her hand or whatever. I asked her if I could kiss her, she said yes, and that was awesome. Some of you may be thinking this a bit lame and all, but that's how it went and that was just fine by me. After that we had some ups and downs and about 3 or 4 breakups, (some of which I am sure I will write about at some point), before we got married. I just could not be without her, she made me a better man, she was brilliant, I just flat out loved her. She felt the same about me. May 29th is our wedding anniversary. Weird. Hard.
Erin actually phoned my house the night of that date with Krista. I picked up the phone (no call display back in the day for all you kids wondering why I would pick up if I knew it was Erin, in the Stone Age you picked up the phone every time!) and said, "Hello?". "Hi Jared, it's Erin" (awkward.) "Heyyyyyy Erin..." "What are you up to?" she says. Me, "Well, Krista is over actually right now...." her-"Oh." Me- "Yah, so, um, I guess I will talk to you later..." The conversation ended pretty quick after that. "Who was that?" Krista says. "Well that was Erin. Sorry about that." I guess she couldn't have been too rattled because she kissed me. Yes.
Why tell you all this? I don't know, I guess it's because if Krista had never come from Calgary to Lethbridge I would never have met her. If I had never gone to U of L I would likely never have met her. If we had not talked that summer, maybe we wouldn't have gotten off to being such great friends. If I wasn't so impossibly good looking maybe none of this would have happened? (I kid, I kid...put that in there to see if you are still reading) You get what I mean I am sure. Each decision we make can be life changing. One thing leads to another, which leads to another. If we have complete control over our destiny then each decision I make could potentially be the greatest or worst decision for my life forever. One little mistake could take me down a path that leads to horrible things for my life. THAT IS STRESSFUL to think about. That is why I find comfort in God. I love that the Bible says that, "...all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. Romans 8:28" Some of you might think that is a load of B.S. because that means that only good things would happen to people who were Christian and that is an elitist and exclusive way of looking at things, not to mention impossible, because good things can happen to all people. That verse doesn't mean that all things work together so that people who love God can FEEL good all the time. It is talking about how God can be involved in your situation to allow you to see past it. To see a broader picture other than your situation. An eternal perspective, as my friend Sid Koop says. Obviously I look at my situation and wonder how the emotional pain and stress and feeling of being "different" as widower at 35 fits in to Gods broader picture. What would my life have looked like if Krista and I had decided not to have Sophie? I DON'T KNOW. I can't ask myself that question because I have a precious little girl but lost a precious life because of it. I wouldn't trade Soph, make no mistake. Soph is the result of the love Krista and I had for each other, we made that decision together, and I have a faith that Krista is with Christ. WE wanted Soph, so I would lose my frickin' marbles if I was to continue to revisit that, and I would never take joy in the daily things Soph does that bring our family joy.
There are many hard teachings in Christianity, and many of them deal with, and kind of go against, the central questions that North Americans ask all the time, "What's in it for me?" "Why me?" "What does this mean for my happiness?" I am not addressing those today, all I am saying at this point is that I believe in a God that can help me make decisions, through Biblical advice or principles. I think God has influence in this world. That it hasn't totally gone sideways. That helps me not be overwhelmed when making decisions. Remembering that I believe that is the trick when I am faced with a decision that is seemingly all mine though...
To finish off the story, Erin is married to a great guy and he and her have 4 kids. (I think that is the right number!) Krista and I went to their wedding (way back in the day) and it was obvious the love they had for each other. Our breakup was the right thing to do for us at that time, and our lives are completely different. I haven't touched base with them in a long time. Too long probably. She and her husband sent me a CD of the band Plumb with a selection of songs that spoke to them when they were thinking and praying for me when Krista passed away. That was cool of them, I appreciated it a lot.
I just realized that I guess I figured out what to write about tonight. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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