Krista's Birthday was today...

I am sure that some of you know that it is Krista's birthday today, but many of you probably didn't know that.  This is the third of her birthdays since she passed away and it has almost been three years now since that day.  Mindmelting.

I wanted the kids and I to have positive traditions and one of them is that we go to the Rik's Grill to celebrate Krista's birthday.  For those of you that don't know Rik's, it is a steakhouse in Lethbridge that was built in the city's old water tower.  Some of you might think that is laughably lame and hard to believe.  One of my friends Tifarah from Vancouver was in Lethbridge for business and was meeting my kids, Krista's mom, and I for dinner at another place and she was a little lost driving.  I phoned her on her cell and said, "Hey, where are you?"  Tifarah in this bewildered, annoyed, confused tone said, "I'm near this thing that looks like a spaceship or something and I just drove to a Dodge dealership."  Laughing, I told her that it was the water tower restaurant and I could tell that she thought that was pretty goofy, her being a world traveler and from Vancouver and all.  Don't get me wrong, Tifarah is great, but it's pretty funny when she comes here, she's a bit out of her element being in our quaint 85,000 person city/town.  Hahaha, Tifarah if you read this, just know I love ya.  Anyway, back to the message at hand...

The kids love to eat at the water tower.  It's high above the city, and it's special. It's different. (It's also overpriced.)  They love it.  I asked the kids what their best memory of Krista because I want to make sure that we spend time on her on days like this.  Grace said that the thing she loved the most is, "When momma would tuck me in and lay down with me."  Jaxon said that, "There are way to many things that are great to pick one."  "Jax," I said, "What is the first thing you think of?"  "Her face." he said.  Soph is sitting there devouring her noodles half listening.  I used to almost cry when I would hear the kids talk about this, but this year was a little different.  Not because I am any less confused and saddened by this, but because I have come to a point where I seem to understand what my role is.  I didn't cry, I listened thoughtfully, and was thinking, but tears didn't come out this year.  I have heard the kids say these things and it doesn't catch me off guard as much I guess.

I was talking with my friends Tony and Christy Jansma and Ian Lawson tonight over supper.  We were talking about how I was today.  It really was hard to describe to them what it feels like this year.  It's not as hard I guess.  It's part of something I have been dealing with for a long time now so it doesn't smack me in the face all the time now.  To be honest, it's sort of O.K.  The problem with that, is that I think it's a little weird that it's not so weird, and then that makes me feel weird again if you get my meaning.  Coming to grips with the fact that it's O.K. to be O.K. is another step in the journey.

I hope you know what I mean.  I am pretty sure that if you have read any of my blogs that you understand how important Krista was and is to me.  I am not tossing her memory aside because I don't want to deal with it, far from it.  I thank God that I have had so many friends and family that have supported me in my dealing with this.  I think that is why it is sort of O.K.  It's because I have had the opportunity to deal with and work out stresses and feelings that I feel O.K.  I miss her like nobody's business, but there is only so far that you can continue to have that at the forefront of your life before you stop yourself from living the way it has been intended by God for you to attempt to live.  I need to live my life.

I don't want my kids to forget who she was, but the reality is that Soph will never know her mother personally.  This is a big piece of garbage that I will never understand as part of the fabric of my life, and Soph's life.  The thing is, I have a job to do along with all the people who loved Krista. To introduce Krista to Soph in a way so that she can know the essence of her, and be able to appreciate who she was without seeing her mom as this saint who was perfect all the time.  I need to do this with Jax and Grace as well.  I mean what do you really remember about your parents when you were 6 or 4?  That is how old Jax and Grace were.  You probably remember a few specific memories, but more than that, you remember whether you were loved, or not loved.  My kids will always know that their mom loved them.  Soph will understand that through Jax and Grace and myself and family and friends.  In my opinion, it is really important that the picture painted of her is a real one though.

I will not deify her.  I refuse to put her up on a pedestal in ways that will give the kids an unrealistic understanding of who their mother was.  I am obviously not going to portray her poorly all the time, but I will share with them her brilliance, beauty and grace,  as well as her quirks and some of her shortcomings. (When it needs to be done)  I do this for multiple reasons.  Krista was a humble woman.  She did not like undue attention.  She liked to be recognized for hard work but in and understated kind of way.  She was more comfortable away from the limelight, but wasn't afraid of it if she needed to be in it.  If I was to gush about her everyday to the kids as though she was this perfect human, I think she would kick me in the face when I see her later when this earth is remade and things are cool, and say, "What were you trying to do there?  You know I don't like that "over the top" stuff."  Another thing that is important about painting a REAL picture is that I also don't want my kids to have unrealistic expectations for themselves.  To live up to someone who is lifted up in their eyes to unrealistic heights would only depress them if they weren't able to reach those heights themselves.  I don't want that and Krista wouldn't either.  They need to know she was real.  That she loved people in a REAL way.  That she made mistakes and learned from them and related to people by sharing in the imperfections.  That she trusted God, gave her life to Jesus, because she wasn't perfect.  That Jesus was the answer for her because she wasn't perfect.  That she lived her life in light of that promise of forgiveness from God, and that is what spurred her on to love so many others.

I have a hard time trying to figure out what love means when it is with a memory.  I love the memory of Krista and I love what that memory teaches me today, but I have a hard time trying to figure out what the word "love" means when it isn't actively working towards someone here and now.  Whatever it means, I know that Krista's influence on the life of my children and I, is something that will always be a part of us.  I guess that's love.  Being part of people's lives.  Sharing in life.  Love is a great thing.

I received a number of messages from people who let me know that they were thinking and praying for me today because they knew about the birthday.  Thank you for showing me love.  Thank you for sharing in my life, good times and bad.  Thank you so much.  I hope you know I love you all right back.