Three years ago.

Over the past three years I have received a ton of support.  3 years ago today is the day Krista went to the hospital after collapsing on the floor in our front room in the morning.  We had been snuggling Soph in bed (because she woke up early of course, new baby and all that...)  Krista got up with Soph to feed her and left the room and I tried to sneak a couple more minutes of sleep before the day started.  All of us have sat in bed, covered our head and just tried to shut out the world for another couple minutes because we are tired and just don't want to get going yet.  I had been up the night before so Krista could sleep because Soph didn't settle down right away and she was exhausted.  (Hahaha, as I think about it now it was weird that Krista was so cool with me staying in bed because Krista hated morning and so she wasn't usually so accommodating regarding me sleeping in!)

 She came back into the room and told me her calf really hurt and wondered if I had remembered the doctor saying anything about blood clots and I said, "No." because he hadn't said anything, I mean other than the usually post labour stuff, but nothing about clots in legs.  Plus, Krista was in good health, and I thought it might have been a cramp or something.  A few minutes later Krista's mom (she was staying at our house to help out) yelled for me to come to the front room.  Krista was on the floor, and I was yelling at her, "BREATHE!"  The last thing she said to me was, "Jared, I can't."  Right then the paramedics walked in and Krista was rushed to the hospital.  The next day a neurologist and other doctors confirmed that Krista's brain was mostly dead, and the next parts to die would be the ones controlling her breathing(which was already dropping) and her heart.  She was an organ donor candidate, I knew that if she could have spoken to me she would have said, "Jared, you know what we believe and you know that I am with Christ, so let's go save some lives." I swear to you those are the exact words that came to me in that moment.  Being asked to make a decision to donate the love of your life's organs just 4 days after the birth of a child is so horrible I don't really know what to say.  It's a gut wrenching thing.  Those two days in the hospital were the two worst days of my life.

I have been blessed with spectacular friends and family.  Krista and I were blessed.  Right from the start of this, right from the living room to now, I have had help.  Krista's mom Beth has been a Godsend, and she was before all this too.  I am blessed to have a mother-in-law that respects me and my decisions and supports me in any way she can without smothering us.  She is SUCH a blessing.  Beth I love you so much.

My Mom took the kids downstairs when Krista was on the floor because I asked her too.  I didn't want my kids' last memory of their mother to be of her on the floor.  They still ask me sometimes, "Dad, why did you send us downstairs?"  I tell them it's because, "I was trying to take care of you and I didn't want you to be scared."  I know my mom probably wanted to do nothing else but to try and help upstairs, but she did what I asked her to do because she loves me so much.  She has always supported and loved me, and I know it's hard for her to live in another city when her son is in another city in this situation, but mom if you are reading this, I want you to know I love you so much and thank you for all your prayers and support.  You fight through even when your Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia are beating you up.  My dad has been a rock my whole life.  He's gone through tough times too, but he always tries to find the positive, and has ALWAYS been there for me to lean on.  Dad, I love you so much.  Thanks for everything.

 My sister and brother in law are GOLD.  Always there for me.  Chris and Nicole both stayed up through the night feeding Soph and taking care of her in the early days after so that I could sleep.  They never once complained.  I know that even though my sister in law Jill and my father in law Barry and his wife Gail live in Vancouver that they love us and think about us and support us.  I love my family.

Krista's extended family have always shown me love and support. I know Krista's 93 year old grandmother Violet prays for us. We went to the McManus family reunion this summer and they are all so great.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

My really good friend Cam and my sister, were in the hospital private waiting room when Krista was in the E.R. I told them that the doctor told me that they had done all they could and they would only wait another 20 minutes, I lost my mind and he and my sister were there for me.  He just cried with me and hugged me, so did my sister.  One of my buddies from NBC camps, Shawn Stetson put out a Facebook prayer chain immediately, and people started praying and flocking to the hospital for support that day.  My buddy Rod picked up Krista's dad and sister and brought them to Lethbridge from Calgary the day it happened.  I am so thankful for that.  I'm also thankful Rod didn't get a ticket because he was going PRETTY fast.  Pastoral staff at the Evangelical Free Church and elders from the church were there that day praying for us and encouraging us. (Ian just stopped by the other night to let me know he was praying for us this week) My buddy John drove down from Edmonton immediately and was a huge support for me.
We had a time in prayer in Krista's room and we invited all the people in the waiting room to come in and join in the prayer and we literally could not squish one more person into that ICU room.  Much of my extended family came to the funeral for support and I have sent messages of encouragement over the past three years.

Many of my old teammates from the University of Lethbridge came to Krista's funeral, some had to travel a long way.  Dave Adams brought the whole University Men's team to the funeral to support me.  Seeing all those guys walk in meant so much, because they all didn't know me, but they were there to support. The Women's team and their coaches were the pall bearers that day.

Almost all the coaches from our summer at NBC basketball camps were there.  Some traveled a long way to get there, but man, that meant a lot.  It had been such a great summer with those people we loved and they really were another version of extended family.  We have all kept in touch to varying degrees and I appreciate NBC basketball and it's people so much.

The staff at my school and throughout the district checked in on me, offered support.  Students came to the funeral and wrote me encouragements.  Suzie Staples came with her girls choir and they sang for the kids and I at our house.  (crying ensued...)  I was so thankful for that and other shows of support.

People from my church were there from day one too.  So many people brought meals for our family and offered help, "All you have to do is ask..."  Brad and Jody Keim organized those meals.

Our nanny Simone is a Godsend and I tell her this as often as I can because I can't believe we are so blessed to have her.

Look, the thing about naming peoples names is that you can't name them all.  (I am aware that this is what people say to try and diffuse some people's dismay that they were not named because, "I did stuff too, why did he not mention me?" but it's honestly so hard to write them all down, and I am sure that I have thanked as many of you as I could before.  I suppose if you were only helping me to someday get mentioned in a little list on a blog, that you had no idea I would write, then that's pretty petty, and I don't think anyone is like that, so I probably just wasted a couple of minutes writing this part in brackets...)

Let's try this again...

Look, I just want to thank everyone who has been there for us.  All of you who have trudged through the mud of this loss.  All of you who have been hurt because you lost Krista too.  It wasn't just my kids and I, it was a whole lot of you too.  When I was writing what happened on that first day, it wasn't so that I could rattle anyone, and I'm sorry if it brought up garbage in your own thoughts.  I was writing it because it feels like another lifetime ago.

A few years ago I was asking  my dad about when he played high school sports (he had a 45" vertical back in the day) and he said, "that was so long ago that it seems like a different life..."  I feel like that now.  I know that I had 10 years, 3 months and 1 day with my wife, but it seems so different now.  It hurts that it feels like that, and it feels natural to move forward with life.  Jaxon is now 9, 4'10" tall, and weighs 110lbs.  He's thicker than some models and he's 9.  Grace is full of life and is in Grade 2 this year. She was in pre-school before.  Sophie isn't a baby that needs a bottle and changing and hauling around.  Well, maybe hauling around, but not the other two.  She is now a child who is developing her character.  She is a little girl, not a little baby.  These kids force me to move forward.  I know Krista would not have it any other way.  More importantly, I know God would have it no other way.  I don't know why she is not here, I feel like this earth is less of a place without her, but it is what it is.  Life and death happen.  I truly believe God loves us and loves you.  Even with all my crap and all the problems I have, I think he loves and can use me.  I think the same for you.  Here's what I think God's love and support is like, and it is from one of Krista's and my favorite section of verses in the Bible.

It's from Romans 8:37-39
"³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  (NIV translation)

I do fall back on God.  I do use him as my crutch because I believe that if something is broken it needs a brace to function properly.  I believe the world is not a perfect place, and God is where we need to turn.  Jesus Christ is a controversial figure in history, and the Christianity that has stemmed from his life has taken many turns and done many horrible things.  I don't deny that.  Sometimes I wonder if the world would be better off without religion too, just because of all the problems between people groups, especially the militant members of those religions.  This world is complicated, religions are complicated, but I don't believe this means that Christianity is wrong just because us people can't get it right all the time. 

I just want to say this in closing.  The future for my life is unknown.  The ways I view how God works in this place and how I should best live my life to follow Christ may shift and change in the future in one way or another and I'm O.K. with the questions.  I honestly don't think my faith in Christ will ever stop though.  I have been through more than some and a LOT less than others.  Even though Krista is not here, and that pain is more than I can bear sometimes (random times) I still trust in a greater purpose through Jesus.  I also again want to say thanks for your support in this life for my kids and I.  I don't know what I would have done without all of you.  Thank you.

I probably should have mentioned right at the start that this would be a long blog, but I'm pretty sure you have come to expect that by now.