Time

Time. It's a pretty amazing thing. It is really weird that we live through it and can never get it back. It's passing by you right now as you read this and after you are done you will say, "There's 3-5 minutes I will NEVER get back again."  People with kids that are about to leave home will tell young parents that time passes quickly. "Before you know it they will be gone, so savor every moment."  At the end of every school year I used to think, "Man that year went fast." This year I remembered that I thought that the year before and so now I don't think time goes by fast, it just goes.

It's amazing the amount of stuff that can happen in one year of time.  I mean, think really hard about what has happened this last year of your life.  Think about what you think the one major stress was from the last year.  Think about what the single greatest thing was from this last year.  If you are like me you will have to go month by month to figure it out and then you will start to realize, "Man! It's crazy how much has happened this past year." (Be warned: this will add to the 3-5 minutes you will NEVER get back, so only think about it if you want to.)From this date last year you probably have had heartache, happiness, seemingly long days, and seemingly short days, just all kinds of stuff.

I have had friends lose spouses through divorce, and others get married.  I have had friends have kids leave home, and friends others have babies.  I have seen people lose parents.  I have seen lost relationships and gained friendships. Heck, I have even seen Krista's 93 year old Grandmother, Violet, meet a man in her lodge who is now her boyfriend.  They hang out, sometimes one of them falls asleep while they are hanging out, but Violet says he is a nice man who is great company.  Just try not to smile thinking about that!

Time.

I realized at the beginning of summer holidays that not this August, but next, that Grace will have lived as much time without her mom as with.  Grace will be 4 and next year it will be four years since Krista was no longer with us.  I also realized that Sophie will be almost the same age that Grace was when she lost her mom.  I mean, Sophie will be 4 years old next year. These thoughts are strange and heartbreaking.  Tonight, Grace said, "I miss Mama."  "I do too." I told her.  The thing is, I really have no idea what our life would have looked like had she been here.  I mean, it is really hard to picture what paths we would have taken.  What would our life look like?  It was easy the first and second year to imagine that life, but now it feels like a separate endeavor.  Some people say that you "Start a new chapter," in your life, but I feel like I am writing a different book with a similar plot line to what I wanted to write before but it's in a different genre or something like that.  I hope you get my meaning.

The last 5 months have been a bit blah for me.  I haven't really been myself at times.  I have always loved my job, and that was a great part of the day, but the push to do my best all the time sort of subsided there for awhile.  Sort of a general malaise was hovering around my mind.  It's like my mind was wanting to move forward, but the part with the motivation was saying, "Meh."  I really think it's because of the fact that the kids are changing, they are growing, and our life as a family changes with it, and I am confused of where I want to take us.  It feels like everything is up to me.  I believe in God, and I am pretty sure that I haven't put much of my trust in Him lately and that has contributed.  Sort of a winter season of sorts in my spiritual life.  I know many people go through "seasons" but I have a hard time accepting that I also go through that. I feel like I should be able to rise above all that silliness of a "down" season.  I have no problem trying to support other people when they are going through a rough time, and I know for a fact that they are in a "season", but I guess I just don't want to admit that I go through them too.  Man, that is prideful eh?

I had a great talk with a couple of friends, Shannon and Melissa the other day when I was at Southern Alberta Bible Camp (SABC) where Grace and Jax go to summer camp.  Shannon is an old friend who moved with her husband Phil and their 4 kids to Vancouver Island a couple of years ago, and Melissa is a friend who feels like an old friend because she and her husband are so cool, and even though we don't get to spend much time together I love them dearly.  It was a great conversation and we talked about all this stuff about seasons and about family and about the need to not always push so hard in our lives.  Man it was refreshing.  I felt like a million bucks after that.  Just calmed me down.  I believe God speaks to us through the Bible and during prayer and stuff, but I also really think he uses people to speak into our lives.  People who are Christians don't have this conduit to God where he tells us what to do in some deep booming voice.  Christian people search for God, and this requires community.  Community is a great thing.  It grounds us.  It makes things real.  I thank God for community.

I still feel a bit confused about life, but I am pretty sure that every person does.  Anyone who is sure they have things figured out is someone I think you should be a bit wary of.

I guess I will end with this.  Time will always pass, sometimes we will let it pass us by, sometimes we will seize it and make the most of it.  In the span of 1 year of your life there are always seasons.* I think many of us have a season that we like most.  The key is not going completely in the tank when the season changes.  I think community helps with that.  I hope that I can be part of your community if it ever changes and you need someone to help get you through...

*(For those of you smart alec's out there who thought, "What about people who live on the equator?"  Look, we all have seasons unless you live on the equator in which case they don't really ever change, but get off my back, you know where I am going you jerkface...)