Nap Drunk

So I have not often drank enough alcohol to feel the effects, but I have seen my fair share of people who are hammered.  I am sure many of us have seen it, as I tell my high school students, sometimes there are some really hilarious stories that come from people being intoxicated, but I have seen and heard too about too many nights that went sideways to say it's a great way to have a fun night.  Fights between friends, poor choices, people getting hurt, just a lot of tough stuff comes out of drinking.  But the point of this blog is not to talk about drinking, the purpose is to talk about how similar someone who is hammered looks like a toddler who has missed their nap.

Sophie is one of my three kids.  She is 3.  She is just entering the stage where naps are becoming not quite as necessary as they used to be.  Sometimes she needs a nap, sometimes she doesn't, but is a bit mental before the normal bedtime.  One of the go-to lines for parents who have toddlers who are misbehaving is, "I'm sorry, it's naptime.", or, "They missed their nap today."  I am sure those of you without kids sometimes probably think, "I don't want to hear your excuses for your lack of parenting skills resulting in a misbehaving child. (in head: I know that when I have kids I won't be letting them act like that...)"  Think whatever you want non-parents, us parents sort of care but really all we care about is getting our kid down for a nap.  There are two reasons for this:

1. We want a nap, or at least some quiet time without having our agenda controlled by a small human.
2. Kids go mental without naps and it is not good for anybody especially the parents who are embarrassed or super annoyed by their crazy, tired little human and it makes it tough to have a good rest of the day.

I have actually wondered why this excuse can't work for adults.  If I just got really grumpy at work and started losing it with students and staff and everyone else if my principal could just send out an e-mail that said, "Sorry everyone, Jared just missed his naptime, he'll be down for at least an hour and then he'll be good as new."  No, no, no, instead when I did this last year, I got told to see a psychiatrist, I really just needed a nap. (for the record, that never happened and I was just attempting humor, anyway, back to the discussion about kids and naps...)

Those of you without kids I am sure think, "I can't believe they live by a schedule of naptime.   I mean it controls their whole life, when I  have kids, I will NOT let my life be dictated by naptime."

Look, I am not even going to wait for you to have kids for me to tell you, "I told you so."  I am going to tell you right now.  I TOLD YOU SO.  You will come to love naptime for your kids.  Sometimes you might let your older kids watch Kung Fu Panda or any number of other movies while your youngest naps, just so you can get a break.  I mean, I don't do that of course.  I just have friends that do this.  What I do is as soon as Sophie has a nap I am planning meaningful mathematical and linguistic arts activities for her so that once she gets up she is ready to learn.  She sleeps to Beethoven or Tchaikovsky so her brain develops and she can more accurately complete said mathematical and linguistic arts activities.  If she doesn't get 8 out of 10 correct she has to do 10 push ups and doesn't get dessert after she eats her organic non-GMO Kamut and Tofu platter.  Kids, need to learn early that life isn't just handed to them you know?

Alright, alright, I'll come clean, the "friends" I was talking about were actually just me.  I probably should have just said "friend".  Maybe I should do some linguistic arts activities or something.  You also may have been thinking that I am an awesome parent because of all the intellectual and healthy things I did for Sophie.  I was lying. Also, I felt pretentious and stuck up yuppieish hipster just writing that lie.  I hate to burst your bubble about that, but I am a humble man, and couldn't have any of you thinking more of  me than you ought to.  (I am also pretty sure that anyone who tells you they are humble are probably not humble, so I take that back too...) 

Anyway, what I am saying in the end is that kids need naps.  They act weird when they don't get them, and Sophie my daughter who is three looks like she is drunk.

Seriously drunk.  She wobbles around when she holds my hand.  She just sort of crumples on the ground (if she is on a grassy surface or carpet).  She mumbles nonsense.  It really is hilarious, when she is in the early stages of being Nap Drunk.  But, just like some of the people I have observed with real alcohol, she can really go sideways if you don't get her home at the right time.  If she becomes increasingly Nap Drunk she becomes irritable, overly sensitive, cries at the drop of a hat and starts hitting things.  I bet many of us can identify at least one person who becomes like this when they become more and more drunk.  Then it's not hilarious, it's disaster and it is a fine line between being hilarious and being Nap Drunk.  New parents, be mindful of this line.

I am putting it out there right now, if any of you geniuses can come up with a breathalyzer for Naptime please come to me.  I am telling you we will make millions.  If we could accurately measure the amount of Nap needed for a baby we would be heroes.  Kid blows in the breathalyzer, green light, they're O.K.  Red light and they are passed the legal limit, are certified Nap Drunk and need to be confined to their bed until they sleep it off.  That's my proposal, there must be a way.

Any takers?