Over the past three years I have received a ton of support. 3 years ago today is the day Krista went to the hospital after collapsing on the floor in our front room in the morning. We had been snuggling Soph in bed (because she woke up early of course, new baby and all that...) Krista got up with Soph to feed her and left the room and I tried to sneak a couple more minutes of sleep before the day started. All of us have sat in bed, covered our head and just tried to shut out
the world for another couple minutes because we are tired and just don't want to get going yet. I had been up the night before so Krista could sleep because Soph didn't
settle down right away and she was exhausted. (Hahaha, as I think about it now it was weird that Krista was so cool with me staying in bed because Krista hated morning and
so she wasn't usually so accommodating regarding me sleeping in!)
She came back into the room and told me her calf really hurt and wondered if I had remembered the doctor saying anything about blood clots and I said, "No." because he hadn't said anything, I mean other than the usually post labour stuff, but nothing about clots in legs. Plus, Krista was in good health, and I thought it might have been a cramp or something. A few minutes later Krista's mom (she was staying at our house to help out) yelled for me to come to the front room. Krista was on the floor, and I was yelling at her, "BREATHE!" The last thing she said to me was, "Jared, I can't." Right then the paramedics walked in and Krista was rushed to the hospital. The next day a neurologist and other doctors confirmed that Krista's brain was mostly dead, and the next parts to die would be the ones controlling her breathing(which was already dropping) and her heart. She was an organ donor candidate, I knew that if she could have spoken to me she would have said, "Jared, you know what we believe and you know that I am with Christ, so let's go save some lives." I swear to you those are the exact words that came to me in that moment. Being asked to make a decision to donate the love of your life's organs just 4 days after the birth of a child is so horrible I don't really know what to say. It's a gut wrenching thing. Those two days in the hospital were the two worst days of my life.
I have been blessed with spectacular friends and family. Krista and I were blessed. Right from the start of this, right from the living room to now, I have had help. Krista's mom Beth has been a Godsend, and she was before all this too. I am blessed to have a mother-in-law that respects me and my decisions and supports me in any way she can without smothering us. She is SUCH a blessing. Beth I love you so much.
My Mom took the kids downstairs when Krista was on the floor because I asked her too. I didn't want my kids' last memory of their mother to be of her on the floor. They still ask me sometimes, "Dad, why did you send us downstairs?" I tell them it's because, "I was trying to take care of you and I didn't want you to be scared." I know my mom probably wanted to do nothing else but to try and help upstairs, but she did what I asked her to do because she loves me so much. She has always supported and loved me, and I know it's hard for her to live in another city when her son is in another city in this situation, but mom if you are reading this, I want you to know I love you so much and thank you for all your prayers and support. You fight through even when your Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia are beating you up. My dad has been a rock my whole life. He's gone through tough times too, but he always tries to find the positive, and has ALWAYS been there for me to lean on. Dad, I love you so much. Thanks for everything.
My sister and brother in law are GOLD. Always there for me. Chris and Nicole both stayed up through the night feeding Soph and taking care of her in the early days after so that I could sleep. They never once complained. I know that even though my sister in law Jill and my father in law Barry and his wife Gail live in Vancouver that they love us and think about us and support us. I love my family.
Krista's extended family have always shown me love and support. I know Krista's 93 year old grandmother Violet prays for us. We went to the McManus family reunion this summer and they are all so great. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
My really good friend Cam and my sister, were in the hospital private
waiting room when Krista was in the E.R. I told them that the doctor told me that they had
done all they could and they would only wait another 20 minutes, I lost
my mind and he and my sister were there for me. He just cried with me
and hugged me, so did my sister. One of my buddies from NBC camps,
Shawn Stetson put out a Facebook prayer chain immediately, and people
started praying and flocking to the hospital for support that day. My buddy Rod picked up Krista's dad and sister and brought them to Lethbridge from Calgary the day it happened. I am so thankful for that. I'm also thankful Rod didn't get a ticket because he was going PRETTY fast. Pastoral staff at the Evangelical Free Church and elders from the church were there that day praying for us and encouraging us. (Ian just stopped by the other night to let me know he was praying for us this week) My buddy John drove down from Edmonton immediately and was a huge support for me.
We had a time in prayer in Krista's room and we invited all the people in the waiting room to come in and join in the prayer and we literally could not squish one more person into that ICU room. Much of my extended family came to the funeral for support and I have sent messages of encouragement over the past three years.
Many of my old teammates from the University of Lethbridge came to Krista's funeral, some had to travel a long way. Dave Adams brought the whole University Men's team to the funeral to support me. Seeing all those guys walk in meant so much, because they all didn't know me, but they were there to support. The Women's team and their coaches were the pall bearers that day.
Almost all the coaches from our summer at NBC basketball camps were there. Some traveled a long way to get there, but man, that meant a lot. It had been such a great summer with those people we loved and they really were another version of extended family. We have all kept in touch to varying degrees and I appreciate NBC basketball and it's people so much.
The staff at my school and throughout the district checked in on me, offered support. Students came to the funeral and wrote me encouragements. Suzie Staples came with her girls choir and they sang for the kids and I at our house. (crying ensued...) I was so thankful for that and other shows of support.
People from my church were there from day one too. So many people brought meals for our family and offered help, "All you have to do is ask..." Brad and Jody Keim organized those meals.
Our nanny Simone is a Godsend and I tell her this as often as I can because I can't believe we are so blessed to have her.
Look, the thing about naming peoples names is that you can't name them all. (I am aware that this is what people say to try and diffuse some people's dismay that they were not named because, "I did stuff too, why did he not mention me?" but it's honestly so hard to write them all down, and I am sure that I have thanked as many of you as I could before. I suppose if you were only helping me to someday get mentioned in a little list on a blog, that you had no idea I would write, then that's pretty petty, and I don't think anyone is like that, so I probably just wasted a couple of minutes writing this part in brackets...)
Let's try this again...
Look, I just want to thank everyone who has been there for us. All of you who have trudged through the mud of this loss. All of you who have been hurt because you lost Krista too. It wasn't just my kids and I, it was a whole lot of you too. When I was writing what happened on that first day, it wasn't so that I could rattle anyone, and I'm sorry if it brought up garbage in your own thoughts. I was writing it because it feels like another lifetime ago.
A few years ago I was asking my dad about when he played high school sports (he had a 45" vertical back in the day) and he said, "that was so long ago that it seems like a different life..." I feel like that now. I know that I had 10 years, 3 months and 1 day with my wife, but it seems so different now. It hurts that it feels like that, and it feels natural to move forward with life. Jaxon is now 9, 4'10" tall, and weighs 110lbs. He's thicker than some models and he's 9. Grace is full of life and is in Grade 2 this year. She was in pre-school before. Sophie isn't a baby that needs a bottle and changing and hauling around. Well, maybe hauling around, but not the other two. She is now a child who is developing her character. She is a little girl, not a little baby. These kids force me to move forward. I know Krista would not have it any other way. More importantly, I know God would have it no other way. I don't know why she is not here, I feel like this earth is less of a place without her, but it is what it is. Life and death happen. I truly believe God loves us and loves you. Even with all my crap and all the problems I have, I think he loves and can use me. I think the same for you. Here's what I think God's love and support is like, and it is from one of Krista's and my favorite section of verses in the Bible.
It's from Romans 8:37-39
"37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV translation)
I do fall back on God. I do use him as my crutch because I believe that if something is broken it needs a brace to function properly. I believe the world is not a perfect place, and God is where we need to turn. Jesus Christ is a controversial figure in history, and the Christianity that has stemmed from his life has taken many turns and done many horrible things. I don't deny that. Sometimes I wonder if the world would be better off without religion too, just because of all the problems between people groups, especially the militant members of those religions. This world is complicated, religions are complicated, but I don't believe this means that Christianity is wrong just because us people can't get it right all the time.
I just want to say this in closing. The future for my life is unknown. The ways I view how God works in this place and how I should best live my life to follow Christ may shift and change in the future in one way or another and I'm O.K. with the questions. I honestly don't think my faith in Christ will ever stop though. I have been through more than some and a LOT less than others. Even though Krista is not here, and that pain is more than I can bear sometimes (random times) I still trust in a greater purpose through Jesus. I also again want to say thanks for your support in this life for my kids and I. I don't know what I would have done without all of you. Thank you.
I probably should have mentioned right at the start that this would be a long blog, but I'm pretty sure you have come to expect that by now.
Wednesday 29 August 2012
Sunday 26 August 2012
Mo Isom, Sophie's Birthday, August 30th
If you don't know the story of Mo Isom you should. Here are a couple of links to her story.
Grantland Story
Mo Isom's Testimony
I have been thinking about this story for the past week. I pray for this girl. I am sucked in by her story because of how similar her feelings of God being with her in the darkest moments are to how I felt immediately after Krista's death.
The story has an anticlimactic ending. She recently was cut from the LSU men's football team and her dream of playing football after 18 months of hard work is over. Her story probably would (still may be) have been made into a movie someday if she had made the team. A classic sports movie. Beautiful girl wrestles with inner demons and against incredible trauma, has success on the soccer field then keeps working and becomes only the second woman ever to play a role on a Division I football team. One of the best programs in the country. Cue the slow mo shot of field goal winning the big game or something...USA! USA! USA!
But...She did not succeed in making the team. Obviously I don't know Mo Isom. I sent her a message on Twitter because I would love her to talk to the kids in my Biology 20 class when we get to the digestive system about eating disorders and all the turmoil that comes with them. I was hoping that it would inspire students in my class to never delve into those methods to lose weight. If they were in that spot I hope that it would give girls the confidence to address their issues if they saw someone like her who had defeated it. She wrote me back and said to "Keep in touch!" on it. That is my only interaction with Mo Isom.
I don't know her. I only know her story. I wonder if not making the LSU Football team is one of the only things she has not accomplished in her life. She seems like someone who, when they put their mind to something, almost always succeeds. She has put out some Tweets where she makes no bones about the fact that she is devastated, but is going to keep her head up. I am praying that she does. After you work so hard at something and find yourself at a place you didn't expect, it's hard to move to the next phase. Really hard.
I just hosted a big 3rd birthday party for Sophie today. For the rest of her life her birthday will fall 4 days before the anniversary of her mother's death and the magnitude of that is not lost on me. It could be SO negative for her. I want to do my best to separate all the positive things about this time of year with the horrible anniversary of Krista's death. We have integrated her party and a 'Welcome Back to School/Fall" party the past 3 years. I have always thought that the days surrounding the beginning of school should be a fun time anyway. Sorry, I am a teacher, I love my job, and I am excited when school starts again! (Some of you may not feel the same...) I want it to be a happy time for Jaxon, Grace, Sophie and I. I need to acknowledge August 30th, because not doing that would be like trying to keep a secret, but it will not be the priority this time of year. I don't want to emphasize the negative, and I know for a fact that if Krista would not want me too either. She would be BITTER if she knew that the anniversary of her death, was taking away from our life. Still this time of year leaves me a bit frazzled because of the reminder of loss it brings. It just brings up a whole bunch of questions. The main one being, "How are you going to handle this situation that has been handed to you Jared?"
Fall is like New Year's for teachers. I feel like it's a time to renew my life mission statement or something. That sounds pretty cheesy but you know what I mean. I just haven't known where I wanted my mission focus to be. In the past few days I had a great talk with my sister, sister-in-law, and read the story on Mo Isom. They all impacted me in different ways.
My sister: Our talk was about how we can choose to make small numbers of goals that we want to work towards. To not overwhelm ourselves and not compare ourselves to others. To be able to have confidence to move forward and not look back or side to side as we go from day to day living our lives. To live in the present.
My sister-in-law: Jill was never really involved much in team sports growing up, and until recently had not felt a confidence in herself in anything athletic until she started running seriously and doing things like yoga. She really LOVES individual stuff because she felt like if she was on a team that she may let other players down if she messed up, and this stressed her out. Individual stuff is on her and she loves that she is reaching something on her own, its HERS. I have always loved team sport because I loved reaching a goal and sharing it with others who have worked hard like me. I have NEVER really loved individual things. I suppose because I don't like to fail, and if I fail alone, it's all on me. I have worked to perform my role in a team and I love working with others, but I realized I need to reach out and challenge myself individually and not fear failure.
Mo Isom - is a very open Christian and that is one of the things that I appreciate the most. Her faith is real to her, and she speaks it out. I am a follower of Jesus Christ, and some of you may find that conservative, and old school, and irrelevant in today's society. I just have always felt that there is more to this place than the physical. If you have read my blog before, you know this about me. I was reminded in Mo's story (I hope she doesn't mind me calling her by her first name like we are long time pals (likely she will never read this anyway however)) about how important my faith is to me. I have let that take a bit of a back burner in my life for a bit here and I didn't like it, but didn't do anything about it. Her story was and is an encouragement to me. Her drive is an example to me. To not have any regrets about working hard. In her case, the work she did was not successful from the perspective of making the team. She had a tweet that said, "It's hard to work 18 months for a “no”,but I know God has HUGE things in store. Depending on Him." I hope she knows that HUGE things can be the impact she has on people, just by how she handles this situation. It doesn't have to be HUGE in the eyes of the world, if her story reaches people where they are and find hope in hearing how someone else handles hardship by leaning on God, then it's huge already. I appreciate her willingness to share her story out there, and I hope there are people around her to help ground her in whatever is in the next season of her life.
So here are three things I am going to focus on for the fall.
1. Set two life mission statementesque goals that are individual to me.
2. Understand that my life is no one else's life and be o.k with that. Have confidence in myself.
3. Appreciate God in myself, in others, and seize opportunities to share the hope I have with others.
I hope you all have a great fall. Mo, if you happened to randomly read this, I wish you well, I am praying for you as you transition into your next season of life outside of college athletics. Thanks.
Grantland Story
Mo Isom's Testimony
I have been thinking about this story for the past week. I pray for this girl. I am sucked in by her story because of how similar her feelings of God being with her in the darkest moments are to how I felt immediately after Krista's death.
The story has an anticlimactic ending. She recently was cut from the LSU men's football team and her dream of playing football after 18 months of hard work is over. Her story probably would (still may be) have been made into a movie someday if she had made the team. A classic sports movie. Beautiful girl wrestles with inner demons and against incredible trauma, has success on the soccer field then keeps working and becomes only the second woman ever to play a role on a Division I football team. One of the best programs in the country. Cue the slow mo shot of field goal winning the big game or something...USA! USA! USA!
But...She did not succeed in making the team. Obviously I don't know Mo Isom. I sent her a message on Twitter because I would love her to talk to the kids in my Biology 20 class when we get to the digestive system about eating disorders and all the turmoil that comes with them. I was hoping that it would inspire students in my class to never delve into those methods to lose weight. If they were in that spot I hope that it would give girls the confidence to address their issues if they saw someone like her who had defeated it. She wrote me back and said to "Keep in touch!" on it. That is my only interaction with Mo Isom.
I don't know her. I only know her story. I wonder if not making the LSU Football team is one of the only things she has not accomplished in her life. She seems like someone who, when they put their mind to something, almost always succeeds. She has put out some Tweets where she makes no bones about the fact that she is devastated, but is going to keep her head up. I am praying that she does. After you work so hard at something and find yourself at a place you didn't expect, it's hard to move to the next phase. Really hard.
I just hosted a big 3rd birthday party for Sophie today. For the rest of her life her birthday will fall 4 days before the anniversary of her mother's death and the magnitude of that is not lost on me. It could be SO negative for her. I want to do my best to separate all the positive things about this time of year with the horrible anniversary of Krista's death. We have integrated her party and a 'Welcome Back to School/Fall" party the past 3 years. I have always thought that the days surrounding the beginning of school should be a fun time anyway. Sorry, I am a teacher, I love my job, and I am excited when school starts again! (Some of you may not feel the same...) I want it to be a happy time for Jaxon, Grace, Sophie and I. I need to acknowledge August 30th, because not doing that would be like trying to keep a secret, but it will not be the priority this time of year. I don't want to emphasize the negative, and I know for a fact that if Krista would not want me too either. She would be BITTER if she knew that the anniversary of her death, was taking away from our life. Still this time of year leaves me a bit frazzled because of the reminder of loss it brings. It just brings up a whole bunch of questions. The main one being, "How are you going to handle this situation that has been handed to you Jared?"
Fall is like New Year's for teachers. I feel like it's a time to renew my life mission statement or something. That sounds pretty cheesy but you know what I mean. I just haven't known where I wanted my mission focus to be. In the past few days I had a great talk with my sister, sister-in-law, and read the story on Mo Isom. They all impacted me in different ways.
My sister: Our talk was about how we can choose to make small numbers of goals that we want to work towards. To not overwhelm ourselves and not compare ourselves to others. To be able to have confidence to move forward and not look back or side to side as we go from day to day living our lives. To live in the present.
My sister-in-law: Jill was never really involved much in team sports growing up, and until recently had not felt a confidence in herself in anything athletic until she started running seriously and doing things like yoga. She really LOVES individual stuff because she felt like if she was on a team that she may let other players down if she messed up, and this stressed her out. Individual stuff is on her and she loves that she is reaching something on her own, its HERS. I have always loved team sport because I loved reaching a goal and sharing it with others who have worked hard like me. I have NEVER really loved individual things. I suppose because I don't like to fail, and if I fail alone, it's all on me. I have worked to perform my role in a team and I love working with others, but I realized I need to reach out and challenge myself individually and not fear failure.
Mo Isom - is a very open Christian and that is one of the things that I appreciate the most. Her faith is real to her, and she speaks it out. I am a follower of Jesus Christ, and some of you may find that conservative, and old school, and irrelevant in today's society. I just have always felt that there is more to this place than the physical. If you have read my blog before, you know this about me. I was reminded in Mo's story (I hope she doesn't mind me calling her by her first name like we are long time pals (likely she will never read this anyway however)) about how important my faith is to me. I have let that take a bit of a back burner in my life for a bit here and I didn't like it, but didn't do anything about it. Her story was and is an encouragement to me. Her drive is an example to me. To not have any regrets about working hard. In her case, the work she did was not successful from the perspective of making the team. She had a tweet that said, "It's hard to work 18 months for a “no”,but I know God has HUGE things in store. Depending on Him." I hope she knows that HUGE things can be the impact she has on people, just by how she handles this situation. It doesn't have to be HUGE in the eyes of the world, if her story reaches people where they are and find hope in hearing how someone else handles hardship by leaning on God, then it's huge already. I appreciate her willingness to share her story out there, and I hope there are people around her to help ground her in whatever is in the next season of her life.
So here are three things I am going to focus on for the fall.
1. Set two life mission statementesque goals that are individual to me.
2. Understand that my life is no one else's life and be o.k with that. Have confidence in myself.
3. Appreciate God in myself, in others, and seize opportunities to share the hope I have with others.
I hope you all have a great fall. Mo, if you happened to randomly read this, I wish you well, I am praying for you as you transition into your next season of life outside of college athletics. Thanks.
Tuesday 14 August 2012
Time
Time. It's a pretty amazing thing. It is really weird that we live through it and can never get it back. It's passing by you right now as you read this and after you are done you will say, "There's 3-5 minutes I will NEVER get back again." People with kids that are about to leave home will tell young parents that time passes quickly. "Before you know it they will be gone, so savor every moment." At the end of every school year I used to think, "Man that year went fast." This year I remembered that I thought that the year before and so now I don't think time goes by fast, it just goes.
It's amazing the amount of stuff that can happen in one year of time. I mean, think really hard about what has happened this last year of your life. Think about what you think the one major stress was from the last year. Think about what the single greatest thing was from this last year. If you are like me you will have to go month by month to figure it out and then you will start to realize, "Man! It's crazy how much has happened this past year." (Be warned: this will add to the 3-5 minutes you will NEVER get back, so only think about it if you want to.)From this date last year you probably have had heartache, happiness, seemingly long days, and seemingly short days, just all kinds of stuff.
I have had friends lose spouses through divorce, and others get married. I have had friends have kids leave home, and friends others have babies. I have seen people lose parents. I have seen lost relationships and gained friendships. Heck, I have even seen Krista's 93 year old Grandmother, Violet, meet a man in her lodge who is now her boyfriend. They hang out, sometimes one of them falls asleep while they are hanging out, but Violet says he is a nice man who is great company. Just try not to smile thinking about that!
Time.
I realized at the beginning of summer holidays that not this August, but next, that Grace will have lived as much time without her mom as with. Grace will be 4 and next year it will be four years since Krista was no longer with us. I also realized that Sophie will be almost the same age that Grace was when she lost her mom. I mean, Sophie will be 4 years old next year. These thoughts are strange and heartbreaking. Tonight, Grace said, "I miss Mama." "I do too." I told her. The thing is, I really have no idea what our life would have looked like had she been here. I mean, it is really hard to picture what paths we would have taken. What would our life look like? It was easy the first and second year to imagine that life, but now it feels like a separate endeavor. Some people say that you "Start a new chapter," in your life, but I feel like I am writing a different book with a similar plot line to what I wanted to write before but it's in a different genre or something like that. I hope you get my meaning.
The last 5 months have been a bit blah for me. I haven't really been myself at times. I have always loved my job, and that was a great part of the day, but the push to do my best all the time sort of subsided there for awhile. Sort of a general malaise was hovering around my mind. It's like my mind was wanting to move forward, but the part with the motivation was saying, "Meh." I really think it's because of the fact that the kids are changing, they are growing, and our life as a family changes with it, and I am confused of where I want to take us. It feels like everything is up to me. I believe in God, and I am pretty sure that I haven't put much of my trust in Him lately and that has contributed. Sort of a winter season of sorts in my spiritual life. I know many people go through "seasons" but I have a hard time accepting that I also go through that. I feel like I should be able to rise above all that silliness of a "down" season. I have no problem trying to support other people when they are going through a rough time, and I know for a fact that they are in a "season", but I guess I just don't want to admit that I go through them too. Man, that is prideful eh?
I had a great talk with a couple of friends, Shannon and Melissa the other day when I was at Southern Alberta Bible Camp (SABC) where Grace and Jax go to summer camp. Shannon is an old friend who moved with her husband Phil and their 4 kids to Vancouver Island a couple of years ago, and Melissa is a friend who feels like an old friend because she and her husband are so cool, and even though we don't get to spend much time together I love them dearly. It was a great conversation and we talked about all this stuff about seasons and about family and about the need to not always push so hard in our lives. Man it was refreshing. I felt like a million bucks after that. Just calmed me down. I believe God speaks to us through the Bible and during prayer and stuff, but I also really think he uses people to speak into our lives. People who are Christians don't have this conduit to God where he tells us what to do in some deep booming voice. Christian people search for God, and this requires community. Community is a great thing. It grounds us. It makes things real. I thank God for community.
I still feel a bit confused about life, but I am pretty sure that every person does. Anyone who is sure they have things figured out is someone I think you should be a bit wary of.
I guess I will end with this. Time will always pass, sometimes we will let it pass us by, sometimes we will seize it and make the most of it. In the span of 1 year of your life there are always seasons.* I think many of us have a season that we like most. The key is not going completely in the tank when the season changes. I think community helps with that. I hope that I can be part of your community if it ever changes and you need someone to help get you through...
*(For those of you smart alec's out there who thought, "What about people who live on the equator?" Look, we all have seasons unless you live on the equator in which case they don't really ever change, but get off my back, you know where I am going you jerkface...)
It's amazing the amount of stuff that can happen in one year of time. I mean, think really hard about what has happened this last year of your life. Think about what you think the one major stress was from the last year. Think about what the single greatest thing was from this last year. If you are like me you will have to go month by month to figure it out and then you will start to realize, "Man! It's crazy how much has happened this past year." (Be warned: this will add to the 3-5 minutes you will NEVER get back, so only think about it if you want to.)From this date last year you probably have had heartache, happiness, seemingly long days, and seemingly short days, just all kinds of stuff.
I have had friends lose spouses through divorce, and others get married. I have had friends have kids leave home, and friends others have babies. I have seen people lose parents. I have seen lost relationships and gained friendships. Heck, I have even seen Krista's 93 year old Grandmother, Violet, meet a man in her lodge who is now her boyfriend. They hang out, sometimes one of them falls asleep while they are hanging out, but Violet says he is a nice man who is great company. Just try not to smile thinking about that!
Time.
I realized at the beginning of summer holidays that not this August, but next, that Grace will have lived as much time without her mom as with. Grace will be 4 and next year it will be four years since Krista was no longer with us. I also realized that Sophie will be almost the same age that Grace was when she lost her mom. I mean, Sophie will be 4 years old next year. These thoughts are strange and heartbreaking. Tonight, Grace said, "I miss Mama." "I do too." I told her. The thing is, I really have no idea what our life would have looked like had she been here. I mean, it is really hard to picture what paths we would have taken. What would our life look like? It was easy the first and second year to imagine that life, but now it feels like a separate endeavor. Some people say that you "Start a new chapter," in your life, but I feel like I am writing a different book with a similar plot line to what I wanted to write before but it's in a different genre or something like that. I hope you get my meaning.
The last 5 months have been a bit blah for me. I haven't really been myself at times. I have always loved my job, and that was a great part of the day, but the push to do my best all the time sort of subsided there for awhile. Sort of a general malaise was hovering around my mind. It's like my mind was wanting to move forward, but the part with the motivation was saying, "Meh." I really think it's because of the fact that the kids are changing, they are growing, and our life as a family changes with it, and I am confused of where I want to take us. It feels like everything is up to me. I believe in God, and I am pretty sure that I haven't put much of my trust in Him lately and that has contributed. Sort of a winter season of sorts in my spiritual life. I know many people go through "seasons" but I have a hard time accepting that I also go through that. I feel like I should be able to rise above all that silliness of a "down" season. I have no problem trying to support other people when they are going through a rough time, and I know for a fact that they are in a "season", but I guess I just don't want to admit that I go through them too. Man, that is prideful eh?
I had a great talk with a couple of friends, Shannon and Melissa the other day when I was at Southern Alberta Bible Camp (SABC) where Grace and Jax go to summer camp. Shannon is an old friend who moved with her husband Phil and their 4 kids to Vancouver Island a couple of years ago, and Melissa is a friend who feels like an old friend because she and her husband are so cool, and even though we don't get to spend much time together I love them dearly. It was a great conversation and we talked about all this stuff about seasons and about family and about the need to not always push so hard in our lives. Man it was refreshing. I felt like a million bucks after that. Just calmed me down. I believe God speaks to us through the Bible and during prayer and stuff, but I also really think he uses people to speak into our lives. People who are Christians don't have this conduit to God where he tells us what to do in some deep booming voice. Christian people search for God, and this requires community. Community is a great thing. It grounds us. It makes things real. I thank God for community.
I still feel a bit confused about life, but I am pretty sure that every person does. Anyone who is sure they have things figured out is someone I think you should be a bit wary of.
I guess I will end with this. Time will always pass, sometimes we will let it pass us by, sometimes we will seize it and make the most of it. In the span of 1 year of your life there are always seasons.* I think many of us have a season that we like most. The key is not going completely in the tank when the season changes. I think community helps with that. I hope that I can be part of your community if it ever changes and you need someone to help get you through...
*(For those of you smart alec's out there who thought, "What about people who live on the equator?" Look, we all have seasons unless you live on the equator in which case they don't really ever change, but get off my back, you know where I am going you jerkface...)
Monday 13 August 2012
Nap Drunk
So I have not often drank enough alcohol to feel the effects, but I have seen my fair share of people who are hammered. I am sure many of us have seen it, as I tell my high school students, sometimes there are some really hilarious stories that come from people being intoxicated, but I have seen and heard too about too many nights that went sideways to say it's a great way to have a fun night. Fights between friends, poor choices, people getting hurt, just a lot of tough stuff comes out of drinking. But the point of this blog is not to talk about drinking, the purpose is to talk about how similar someone who is hammered looks like a toddler who has missed their nap.
Sophie is one of my three kids. She is 3. She is just entering the stage where naps are becoming not quite as necessary as they used to be. Sometimes she needs a nap, sometimes she doesn't, but is a bit mental before the normal bedtime. One of the go-to lines for parents who have toddlers who are misbehaving is, "I'm sorry, it's naptime.", or, "They missed their nap today." I am sure those of you without kids sometimes probably think, "I don't want to hear your excuses for your lack of parenting skills resulting in a misbehaving child. (in head: I know that when I have kids I won't be letting them act like that...)" Think whatever you want non-parents, us parents sort of care but really all we care about is getting our kid down for a nap. There are two reasons for this:
1. We want a nap, or at least some quiet time without having our agenda controlled by a small human.
2. Kids go mental without naps and it is not good for anybody especially the parents who are embarrassed or super annoyed by their crazy, tired little human and it makes it tough to have a good rest of the day.
I have actually wondered why this excuse can't work for adults. If I just got really grumpy at work and started losing it with students and staff and everyone else if my principal could just send out an e-mail that said, "Sorry everyone, Jared just missed his naptime, he'll be down for at least an hour and then he'll be good as new." No, no, no, instead when I did this last year, I got told to see a psychiatrist, I really just needed a nap. (for the record, that never happened and I was just attempting humor, anyway, back to the discussion about kids and naps...)
Those of you without kids I am sure think, "I can't believe they live by a schedule of naptime. I mean it controls their whole life, when I have kids, I will NOT let my life be dictated by naptime."
Look, I am not even going to wait for you to have kids for me to tell you, "I told you so." I am going to tell you right now. I TOLD YOU SO. You will come to love naptime for your kids. Sometimes you might let your older kids watch Kung Fu Panda or any number of other movies while your youngest naps, just so you can get a break. I mean, I don't do that of course. I just have friends that do this. What I do is as soon as Sophie has a nap I am planning meaningful mathematical and linguistic arts activities for her so that once she gets up she is ready to learn. She sleeps to Beethoven or Tchaikovsky so her brain develops and she can more accurately complete said mathematical and linguistic arts activities. If she doesn't get 8 out of 10 correct she has to do 10 push ups and doesn't get dessert after she eats her organic non-GMO Kamut and Tofu platter. Kids, need to learn early that life isn't just handed to them you know?
Alright, alright, I'll come clean, the "friends" I was talking about were actually just me. I probably should have just said "friend". Maybe I should do some linguistic arts activities or something. You also may have been thinking that I am an awesome parent because of all the intellectual and healthy things I did for Sophie. I was lying. Also, I felt pretentious and stuck up yuppieish hipster just writing that lie. I hate to burst your bubble about that, but I am a humble man, and couldn't have any of you thinking more of me than you ought to. (I am also pretty sure that anyone who tells you they are humble are probably not humble, so I take that back too...)
Anyway, what I am saying in the end is that kids need naps. They act weird when they don't get them, and Sophie my daughter who is three looks like she is drunk.
Seriously drunk. She wobbles around when she holds my hand. She just sort of crumples on the ground (if she is on a grassy surface or carpet). She mumbles nonsense. It really is hilarious, when she is in the early stages of being Nap Drunk. But, just like some of the people I have observed with real alcohol, she can really go sideways if you don't get her home at the right time. If she becomes increasingly Nap Drunk she becomes irritable, overly sensitive, cries at the drop of a hat and starts hitting things. I bet many of us can identify at least one person who becomes like this when they become more and more drunk. Then it's not hilarious, it's disaster and it is a fine line between being hilarious and being Nap Drunk. New parents, be mindful of this line.
I am putting it out there right now, if any of you geniuses can come up with a breathalyzer for Naptime please come to me. I am telling you we will make millions. If we could accurately measure the amount of Nap needed for a baby we would be heroes. Kid blows in the breathalyzer, green light, they're O.K. Red light and they are passed the legal limit, are certified Nap Drunk and need to be confined to their bed until they sleep it off. That's my proposal, there must be a way.
Any takers?
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