I like writing my thoughts down here. It allows me to process stuff that I am thinking and from people's comments to me, it sometimes let's people know that they are not alone in their thoughts, and through that, it let's me know that because they think similar things that my thoughts are not crazy. It also allows me to write long run-on sentences like the one previous to this one.
Some people have told me that I should write a more comprehensive collection of thoughts like this. Some people would call that a book. I would call it a collection of thoughts because if I told people and myself that I was going to write a book I think I would sound like a guy who thinks they have some sort of knowledge about stuff. I would think that guy would sound like he thought he knew what was going on, and since I don't and I just think stuff, I wouldn't like anyone to think I was telling them that I thought I was better than them, thereby giving me the right to write a book.
That all being said, I'm going to write a book this year. It's going to be an expanded look at some of the thoughts I thought in my blog here, and it's going to also have some other thoughts that I need to get down before they fade into the shadows of my mind. Things about marriage, parenting, faith, teaching and whatever else I need to sort out. The fact that some of the stuff is already fading in certain ways is encouraging, because that means that my life has hope and purpose, but really scary and sad, because so much of my life with Krista was awesome. I feel like I need to sort that out before I can enter the next stage of my life. Whatever that means. I feel like I need to write things that are meaningful to me so that if I ever enter into another relationship I remember what important things I have been taught this past while. I also want my kids to know their mother in a positive and real way, and maybe someday when they may want to read their old dad's thoughts about crisis, they can understand it in a way that explains to them why I was the way I was when they were young.
I'm going to shutdown Facebook for awhile. (Although from time to time I will probably use it to contact people who don't have twitter or I don't have your other info...) It is such a great way for me to have fun connecting with many of the people I know and love, but I feel like I have been connecting with that area of my life more than I have been connecting with God. My faith in God is so important to me as you would know if you read any of these things the past while. I feel like when I am talking to other people via e-mail, Twitter, Facebook, Text, phone more than I am talking to God then even though it is a good thing, I need to reexamine my use of those things and I think Facebook needs to beat it for awhile. If anyone wants to get a hold of me I will obviously be available on all those other things. (@jheiding is my Twitter handle)
I'll probably still blog from time to time (not that any of you are waiting on bated breath for a blog post...) but I feel like this is something I am supposed to do and it's probably going to take a lot of work because I sometimes have a hard time finishing what I set out to do. If you could pray for me, (if you are the praying type) that would be great because as I am writing this it all seems a bit silly to me that I would set out on something like this.
Please be sure that I do not think I know more than anyone else, I just like talking with people. I just do. I know that a book is more like talking at people, but I think it's a great way to share my experience with other people that have had something similar, and that way, we all get a little closer because there are a lot of similarities between all of us.
Anyway, if you read this blog from time to time I really do appreciate it, and appreciate the encouragement that many of you have been to me as I chuck thoughts out there. Here we go...
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Friday 16 November 2012
Whatever You Want To Eat Christmas Eve Supper
Anybody ever notice that when you get a new vehicle or phone, or something like that, that you start noticing other people who have the same thing you have? I started noticing so many other minivans like mine, that I had never noticed before I purchased the Swagger wagon.
When Krista passed away I originally thought that I was the only one in my position, when really I wasn't at all. I started to hear multiple stories about people right in my town who had very similar situations to me. One of my friends had lost her husband a few months before I lost Krista. Her kids were "grown" (as they say) but both of us were feeling similar things so we helped to start a group for people who lost their spouses. It was more focused on people who lost their spouses and were still raising kids. It was extremely helpful to join together to discuss what we were each going through. Relationships are so important in life.
I recently had two separate conversations talking to two different friends of mine who had lost their husbands in very tragic accidents. The accidents were pretty recent in their lives and they are working out so many similar things that I have thought about. (For the record, I am in awe of both of these women because they are awesome and they love their kid(s) and are doing the best they can in their situations. They are so great.)We have had multiple conversations but these discussions were focused on Christmas. We were discussing the what's, how's, where's, and why's of how we approach this holiday in light of our changed circumstances, and all the emotions that goes with those thoughts.
Krista loved Christmas. Our tree was always up by the third week of November. (If any of you are lactose intolerant be prepared to get bloated because it's going to get a little cheesy for some of you, but I really like cheese especially if it's used in the right recipe, or context, whatever, I'm digressing too much...) Even though I don't like hauling all the decorations up, I do love once the house is decorated and there are tons of white mini-lights on the tree and on the top of our cupboards. Drinking peppermint tea out of a really nice red Christmas mug just tastes better for some reason. The ambiance the decorations provide makes me feel safe and cozy. (Cheese over.) We decorated last weekend, not because I necessarily wanted too, but because we had a long weekend it was the best time before the crazy busy time between late November and Christmas.
I don't know if love for Christmas is genetic, but the other day Grace made a very strong case for it. (She inherited it from her mother of course.) Jaxon asked me, "Dad, why are we putting up all this stuff right now?" Grace, in the cutest, little Cindy-Lou Who voice says, "It's never too early to start getting ready for Christmas." (Tear in my eye due to the cuteness. (By the way, that's not going to work when she wants a car when she's 16, "It's never to early to start asking Daddy for a car." Actually Grace, yes, yes it is...))
Some of you reading this right now may hate Christmas and all the jazz that goes with it. Maybe you had a rough event happen in your life at this time. Maybe you have lost someone and it was never the same after. Maybe you don't like the money grubbing marketers and the business that Christmas has become. (I can agree with you there.) Maybe you don't like that it's called Christmas because you don't believe in Christ. (I can disagree with you there.) If you don't like Christmas you probably have a reason.
I have already established that I enjoy Christmas time and so did Krista. I really had to sort out some questions about how my family was going to approach the first Christmas without Krista. I had no idea. I did know that I wanted to stay in Lethbridge and have the family come here for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because it was easier with Soph being 4 months old. That wasn't the only reason though. I also wanted to be in that space because I needed to feel whatever emotions came. I needed to know what I was going to go through without her during this time, in this space, in our home. That was what I needed, others may need different things to deal with our hurts, but that was what I needed. Even though I wanted to take it all in, I didn't want to make it an inevitably crappy time. I did not want all of our Christmas time as a family to be negative, but I didn't know what I was going to do.
After Krista passed away, my family received some money from friends, family, and supportive people to hire a cleaner for a once a week clean job of the house. Just to help me out. It's not like I had never cleaned before, or that I was a slob, it's that it is so busy with a newborn and a couple other ones, that they knew it would be a blessing for me. IT WAS. Dang that was gold. Kristina came to clean my house and helped me not only in practical "My house is clean, thank the Lord!" kinds of ways, but we would have great talks about life and moving forward and about good books that helped us out. (sidenote: her husband Mark, is a great photographer and all around good guy too.) One day we had a talk about Christmas and traditions.
Traditions are something I knew Krista loved. She very much wanted our family to have traditions the kids could look back on with fondness. (yep I just used fondness...) I did not want the first Christmas without Krista to be a Christmas where the only new tradition was the fact that mom wasn't there and we sat around crying with no hope. I think we can all agree that a tradition like that would have been garbage. Kristina mentioned to me that her family had a tradition of a "Whatever You Want To Eat" meal. Literally she said, each person would pick a food and they would make whatever people wanted, put it all on the table and people could have at the whole lot. I LOVED that idea. I don't know if Kristina knew this, but her idea helped my family through that first Christmas. Now, every Christmas Eve we have this meal. This crazy meal. The first one included, mashed potatoes (Grace), pepperoni pizza (Jax), lobster (my mom, dad, and me), formula (Soph just had that, no one else was partial to formula...) and I honestly can't remember what else, but I remember we had a good time coming together as a family to make it all. We did something that we worked together on, and it was fun. It was also a tradition, something I knew Krista would have loved, and that made me feel great. Well, greater than I would have felt otherwise.
Don't get me wrong, that first Christmas, and every Christmas we have had since Krista, has been a bit strange in my heart, but we still have good in it. There is love in it. I hope that if you hate this season for whatever reason, that you can break out of it, even just a little, with something new for you. I think this probably goes for any/every season you have a hard time dealing with. Sometimes each day is hard to deal with when we are going through uncertainty. I hope and pray you have a chance to change your routine in a way that dissipates your pain. If not, you're invited over for the Heidinger, "Whatever You Want To Eat Christmas Eve Supper." We're always ready for some new guests...
When Krista passed away I originally thought that I was the only one in my position, when really I wasn't at all. I started to hear multiple stories about people right in my town who had very similar situations to me. One of my friends had lost her husband a few months before I lost Krista. Her kids were "grown" (as they say) but both of us were feeling similar things so we helped to start a group for people who lost their spouses. It was more focused on people who lost their spouses and were still raising kids. It was extremely helpful to join together to discuss what we were each going through. Relationships are so important in life.
I recently had two separate conversations talking to two different friends of mine who had lost their husbands in very tragic accidents. The accidents were pretty recent in their lives and they are working out so many similar things that I have thought about. (For the record, I am in awe of both of these women because they are awesome and they love their kid(s) and are doing the best they can in their situations. They are so great.)We have had multiple conversations but these discussions were focused on Christmas. We were discussing the what's, how's, where's, and why's of how we approach this holiday in light of our changed circumstances, and all the emotions that goes with those thoughts.
Krista loved Christmas. Our tree was always up by the third week of November. (If any of you are lactose intolerant be prepared to get bloated because it's going to get a little cheesy for some of you, but I really like cheese especially if it's used in the right recipe, or context, whatever, I'm digressing too much...) Even though I don't like hauling all the decorations up, I do love once the house is decorated and there are tons of white mini-lights on the tree and on the top of our cupboards. Drinking peppermint tea out of a really nice red Christmas mug just tastes better for some reason. The ambiance the decorations provide makes me feel safe and cozy. (Cheese over.) We decorated last weekend, not because I necessarily wanted too, but because we had a long weekend it was the best time before the crazy busy time between late November and Christmas.
I don't know if love for Christmas is genetic, but the other day Grace made a very strong case for it. (She inherited it from her mother of course.) Jaxon asked me, "Dad, why are we putting up all this stuff right now?" Grace, in the cutest, little Cindy-Lou Who voice says, "It's never too early to start getting ready for Christmas." (Tear in my eye due to the cuteness. (By the way, that's not going to work when she wants a car when she's 16, "It's never to early to start asking Daddy for a car." Actually Grace, yes, yes it is...))
Some of you reading this right now may hate Christmas and all the jazz that goes with it. Maybe you had a rough event happen in your life at this time. Maybe you have lost someone and it was never the same after. Maybe you don't like the money grubbing marketers and the business that Christmas has become. (I can agree with you there.) Maybe you don't like that it's called Christmas because you don't believe in Christ. (I can disagree with you there.) If you don't like Christmas you probably have a reason.
I have already established that I enjoy Christmas time and so did Krista. I really had to sort out some questions about how my family was going to approach the first Christmas without Krista. I had no idea. I did know that I wanted to stay in Lethbridge and have the family come here for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because it was easier with Soph being 4 months old. That wasn't the only reason though. I also wanted to be in that space because I needed to feel whatever emotions came. I needed to know what I was going to go through without her during this time, in this space, in our home. That was what I needed, others may need different things to deal with our hurts, but that was what I needed. Even though I wanted to take it all in, I didn't want to make it an inevitably crappy time. I did not want all of our Christmas time as a family to be negative, but I didn't know what I was going to do.
After Krista passed away, my family received some money from friends, family, and supportive people to hire a cleaner for a once a week clean job of the house. Just to help me out. It's not like I had never cleaned before, or that I was a slob, it's that it is so busy with a newborn and a couple other ones, that they knew it would be a blessing for me. IT WAS. Dang that was gold. Kristina came to clean my house and helped me not only in practical "My house is clean, thank the Lord!" kinds of ways, but we would have great talks about life and moving forward and about good books that helped us out. (sidenote: her husband Mark, is a great photographer and all around good guy too.) One day we had a talk about Christmas and traditions.
Traditions are something I knew Krista loved. She very much wanted our family to have traditions the kids could look back on with fondness. (yep I just used fondness...) I did not want the first Christmas without Krista to be a Christmas where the only new tradition was the fact that mom wasn't there and we sat around crying with no hope. I think we can all agree that a tradition like that would have been garbage. Kristina mentioned to me that her family had a tradition of a "Whatever You Want To Eat" meal. Literally she said, each person would pick a food and they would make whatever people wanted, put it all on the table and people could have at the whole lot. I LOVED that idea. I don't know if Kristina knew this, but her idea helped my family through that first Christmas. Now, every Christmas Eve we have this meal. This crazy meal. The first one included, mashed potatoes (Grace), pepperoni pizza (Jax), lobster (my mom, dad, and me), formula (Soph just had that, no one else was partial to formula...) and I honestly can't remember what else, but I remember we had a good time coming together as a family to make it all. We did something that we worked together on, and it was fun. It was also a tradition, something I knew Krista would have loved, and that made me feel great. Well, greater than I would have felt otherwise.
Don't get me wrong, that first Christmas, and every Christmas we have had since Krista, has been a bit strange in my heart, but we still have good in it. There is love in it. I hope that if you hate this season for whatever reason, that you can break out of it, even just a little, with something new for you. I think this probably goes for any/every season you have a hard time dealing with. Sometimes each day is hard to deal with when we are going through uncertainty. I hope and pray you have a chance to change your routine in a way that dissipates your pain. If not, you're invited over for the Heidinger, "Whatever You Want To Eat Christmas Eve Supper." We're always ready for some new guests...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)