I was just talking to my Biology 30 (12th grade biology for you Americans or out of province people who may read this) classes about contraception the other day. It's one of those lessons that I used to be a little rattled about. To be honest with you, the first time I taught Bio 30 when I had to say penis or vagina in front of a group of students it really felt awkward. Now it's really no big deal and I talk about all kids of stuff when we talk about reproduction and labour and babies and breast feeding and it doesn't bother me at all, and after the first few lessons, I don't think it really bothers the kids to much either. Explaining an episiotomy to students is usually ALWAYS awkward for them. That's life though.
I think when we first start the lesson on contraception it's a little awkward for them though, because it's like I know something that they thought I didn't know, or weren't really sure they wanted to hear about from me. We talk about all of the different types all the way from abstinence (remember that one?) to an implantable hormone rod that can be placed under the skin in the upper arm, its brand name you ask? IMPLANON. Doesn't that sound like some sci-fi mind control device of the future. Imagine that guy with the deep voice that does all the movie trailers. "A world in chaos, in crisis, and then IMPLANON..." Anyway this blog isn't about contraception, it's about the interesting survey I do at the end of every one of these lessons.
I always ask my Bio 30 classes, what is the perception of what percentage of students have had sex by the time they are finished grade 12. It has been the same for a number of years now within a certain range. This semester I specified intercourse as the sexual activity in question. No anal sex or oral sex. What percentage of students do you think have had vaginal intercourse by the time they reach the end of grade 12? One class had a general consensus (nodding heads, mumbling, hands raised to indicate agreement) of 40%, the other said 50%, with a few kids saying 60%. In the past 3-4 years that I have been asking this question I have never had a class go lower than 40% with most saying 50%.
I then ask them, what percentage of students do you think have actually done their homework on contraception and really know how to use it? Really have figured out how to be sexually active while being educated about various kinds, how to really put on a condom before they need it, etc. I always start at 5%, and I usually get to 10% -15% as the number that achieves the most agreement. I then try to work the numbers a bit.
Me, "So you are telling me that if we had 1000 grade 12 students, that 500 are sexually active and about 50 actually know what they are doing?"
Them - Disbelief and mouths open.
This is fascinating and disturbing to me. I teach in a public school and I think it's important to meet kids where they are at, so discussing this stuff is real. It's important. When I started this little survey each year, these perceived sex numbers shocked me, and the contraception education numbers shocked me even more. I truly wonder if these are the actual numbers for kids in our school, or if the perception is greater than the reality?
Basically there are a couple of things I hope that people understand, and this doesn't just apply to high school kids, but to University age people as well. (except that I bet the percentages change, but I don't know by how much, the principles listed below still generally apply I think though)
1. Abstinence is an option - You don't have to have sex before you want to. (Unless there is abuse, obviously I am not talking about that. There is not much in the world that makes me so angry I think I would want to kill someone, but sexual abuse is one of those things. It is a horrible evil, and I swear I would have a hard time not throwing someone who sexually abused someone through a wall made of reinforced concrete if I had the chance) What I am saying is just because 50% of the people are doing it literally means that NOT everyone is doing it. It's statistically correct that in fact, 50% of people are NOT doing it. If you want to be in that 50% because of moral, spiritual, personal reasons then you have the right to do that and don't listen to some hammer who makes jokes at your expense because you are a virgin. There are 50% of you who are doing it and you have no right to make fun of the 50% who are not. It's their choice. I honestly think abstinence is the best for a developing relationship. It allows you to get to really know who you are and what you need in a relationship. If sex isn't part of the equation and the exercise of growing in the understanding of each other is the majority of the friendship, you will be ready for sex when you are ready to be with that one person that you can't be without.
2. If you are going to have sex, please do your homework in the areas of CONTRACEPTION AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
a) Contraception
Ladies - If you are going to be sexually active with your boyfriend, you should look into your own birth control, I would suggest that you don't ever trust that a high school boy knows perfectly how to use a condom, so if this is your chosen path, then take care of yourself first. See your doctor about the pill. Have a discussion with your parents. If you can't talk to your parents about it, maybe you shouldn't be doing it, but if you still decide to go ahead with it, SEE YOUR DOCTOR and work out what you need. There are many options. Don't be irresponsible about an adult decision, act like an adult.
Fellas - You don't all have X-Large penises. Sorry to inform you of that. Some of you may be small. That means that if you honestly don't know that you are small and you go and buy some XL condoms and then go ahead and have sex without figuring that condom out beforehand, you will have brutal protection and your risk of catching a STI or getting someone pregnant will increase dramatically. Do your homework. Practice putting that thing on, there are many resources online to teach you how to do that. DO NOT overestimate your skills or your size. If you are nervous about going in to a store to buy condoms I can understand a bit of nerves, but if you are nervous, this may be an indicator to you that you are not mature enough to be having sex. I mean if you can't buy condoms without getting worried who might see you, should you really be having sex? It doesn't mean that you have to pick up the box of Durex and show everyone in the store, yelling, "I AM SEXUALLY ACTIVE BABY!!!" But you should be mature enough to not be worried about who might see you, if you are then I don't think you should be having sex. You might disagree with me.
b) Relationship
Ladies - I did a lot of talking with my wife about this, and we talked to young people together about this stuff, but she did it so well with young women because she understood your feelings. She knew what it was like in high school being in a serious relationship. There is pressure sometimes to take your relationship to the next level, to REALLY show that guy that you care about him. You may even decide to have sex or mess around sexually with your boyfriend because you feel like it's the best way to show him you really like him. I am sure he will like it, but it is not what he needs, NOR what he deserves at this stage in life. YOU DO NOT OWE HIM SEX. EVER. If he says you do, then you should kick him to the curb and find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated. With respect and dignity. Anything less is unacceptable. Krista would say, "Guard your heart." Your sexuality is yours, no one else's and I hope you never forget that. I would suggest that the question that really needs to be seriously discussed with your boyfriend is, "If I get pregnant, what are you prepared to do with me to help me through this decision?" DO NOT have this conversation late at night when you have already started making out with him as he will say ridiculous things just to get some action. Boys and sometimes men, are stupid in these situations.
Don't trust them in that moment. Trust them in the daytime. Go have lunch, or go for a walk together in a fairly public place and ask some serious point blank questions of him. If he is elusive, does not have clear answers for you, or just seems genuinely nervous about the whole thing, DO NOT engage in sex with that guy. I honestly think that high school boys in general and I am talking 99% population here, do not have the ability to love you in the way that you need to be loved to make sex a viable option at this stage in your life. This is not to cut them down as there are a ton of nice guys. I am not saying they are not nice, I am just saying they don't know who they are yet. Heck, you don't even know who you are yet. There are hopes and dreams yet to be sought after, you seriously have no idea where you will be in a year, treat your decision to have sex extremely seriously. Yah, yah, it may be a mood killer, but if it is, then you have worked on something that mature couples may need to deal with if they are sexually active. Figuring out what to do if you are pregnant is ultimately your decision, and it is a huge one that is really hard on a young woman. Abortions are not easy fixes. Krista had an abortion when she was younger and it stuck with her the rest of her life. Guilty feelings, worry about possibly not being able to have children in the future, those were with her for a long time. They reared their head particularly hard when she had a miscarriage before we had Jaxon. Going through a pregnancy and then raising a baby is not easy either! That's a whole other 1000 blogs...
Fellas - You really need to think about what would happen if she became pregnant. Krista and I messed around a little bit here and there before we were married (something I truly wish I hadn't done) and one time she was late on her period and I seriously was so nervous I could not think about ANYTHING else except, what would I do if she was pregnant? Seriously, what would I do? She wasn't pregnant, but if she had been, my life would have taken a completely different turn and I would have had to deal with a great many things that I didn't have the first sniff of dealing with. Impulsive acts and a lack of resolve on my part due to a lack of true thinking on our relationship fooled me into not thinking about the real things of life. It was like I was sure that nothing would happen because, you know, that stuff happens to other guys, not me. I want you to enter into your marriage or your relationship free of concern. Solid in the knowledge that you will be with this person for a long time. That is essential. Respect her, care for her, laugh with her, discover who you are through her, but don't pledge your life to her at such a young age because you honestly haven't reached an understanding of yourself yet. You can't truly love someone else until you get a bit more of a handle on your own person. DO NOT take advantage of her or her emotions. If you do, I will come find you and throw you through a reinforced concrete wall.
Final Thoughts
Listen, many of you may not agree with me, but I felt like saying something about what I have noticed in the great kids I teach. They are brilliant, but confused. Understanding but uneducated. Mature and yet still in need of growth. It does change as we get older, but I still hear stories of people having sex and it making things complicated in their lives as opposed to great. It should be great. I know, I have had it at least 3 times because I have three kids! Anyway, there are some thoughts. Take them for what they are worth to you. Have a great day, weekend, life!
Friday 20 April 2012
Sunday 1 April 2012
Friendship, Tolkien, Lewis, Williams, and Kung Fu Panda
The quote below is from the book "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis. I have not read this book yet, but I heard the quote in church today and really liked it. Lewis is talking about the intricacies of friendship, and uses the example of his friendship with J.R.R. Tolkien (Ronald) and Charles Williams (he was an author as well).
"In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets. Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald's reaction to a specifically Caroline joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him 'to myself' now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald. ... We possess each friend not less but more as the number of those with whom we share him increases."
- C.S. Lewis
When I read this I teared up because I immediately thought of Krista and how I and many others had lost a bit of each other and ourselves by not having her around to bring out the parts of us that would emerge when we were around her. Certain people seem to bring out the good (and bad) in us don't they.
My buddy John Tschritter is a great example. When Krista and I were dating, and then when we were married, and John was single, he had the uncanny ability to bring out the lippy side in me. I just couldn't help but make a joke a Krista's expense to try and get John to laugh. John did not ever make a joke about Krista and loved her and I to death. I just always felt like being a goof around him and we would have great times man. We would all be hanging out, having a good laugh and then, guaranteed, I would say something that was really witty, (in my opinion) but would be at Krista's expense, and she would laugh a bit, but really it was one of those laughs where I knew I was going to pay for it later. Guys do dumb things sometimes for laughs, I can't explain it ladies, I apologize. Johnny has a heart of gold though and brings out a lot of good in me too. (By the way, if I visit John and his awesome wife Linsay, he usually can't help himself from making a sideways joke either, we just have a bad influence comedically on each other apparently! Hahaha!) I love that guy.
Krista brought out a lot of good in me that I now wonder if I have lost. I wonder if bit by bit some of those good things have eroded away a bit. (this is not a plea for people to write me nice notes of encouragement, it's a just a little bit of introspection) I don't want to lose those things that she encouraged me to be, and I felt I should be. Some of them have grown stronger, for example I am more organized now than I have ever been. I really think she would be proud if she had the chance to talk to me about it. I don't live for her approval, but I think it is a good thing when I am improving in an area that I thought was an area of expertise in Krista that I always admired but seemingly never knew how to achieve. The memories of her being organized and how it helped our family function have spurred me to be better. There are other things like that, but I still wonder if I am missing something. Like I am worried that everyone else is noticing a deficiency in me but are too nervous to tell me about because they feel bad. Like people really want to say, "Jared, I really didn't want to tell you this, but you have really gone sideways in this area of your character the past while..." I am pretty certain that I have good enough friends and family that would call me on that stuff but I still wonder sometimes.
I often wonder how my children will be affected by the lack of Krista's influence as a mother in their lives. I honestly cannot possibly envision what our life would look like with her here because we are in a completely different stage than when she left. That is to say that I do try and envision it from time to time, but it is a fuzzy transmission. The first year I knew what I needed to do because I was certain about what choices we would be making together on how to raise a baby. Things like, get her on a schedule, make sure to spend intentional time with the other kids so they know how much they are loved too, feed her here, change here there, if this happens I should take her to the doctor etc. We sort of had the first year "planned" because we had been practiced up with two babies already. The dynamics have changed though, and miss dreadfully the opportunity to have Krista's opinions/certainties regarding our kids. Sophie is not a baby now, she is going to pre-school in September. Jaxon is not a little (relatively) grade 1 kid anymore, he is a 4'10" grade 3 student. Grace was in pre-school then and now she is a Grade 1 student who reads like she is half way through grade 2. I am a single father who is trying to navigate parenting alone. I am trying to know what the difference is between loving my kids the right amount and babying them. Trying to balance experiences and over-stimulation. Trying to understand that I may never express love or be loved again by a woman in a marriage relationship and be o.k. with that. I sure hope that you don't think that I am pulling a pity party over here, I know we all have things we are navigating through. You may be wondering similar things, or you may have lost someone or something that you are trying to figure out, "What the heck am I to do with this?!" To be honest with you, I am in a place where I am so thankful to God for the many blessings that our family has. That sounds so religiony and pretentious, but I'm not saying it to sound like a jerk. I really feel like there are a huge load of things that are great about our lives, and if it has to be the way it is, then I have to accept it for what it is and make sure that I am in this moment. Truly living, truly thankful for what life is right now. Truly cry if I need to as well.
One line from a great movie says this all in one statement, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why they call it the present" Kung Fu Panda Not considered a very philosophical movie, but man that is a great line. (Johnny likes that one too.)
Some of you reading this may have been close with Krista, some of you may have been acquaintances, some of you may have never met her. The weird part is that she has affected all of you reading this because I am only writing it because she is not here and I am trying to sort things out in my mind on this blog. Weird. We really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or even in 5 minutes from now. We all like to think we know, but we really don't. I find myself scared about this when I think about how good life is right now all things considered. The last time I thought things were really great I lost my wife. Krista said to her good friend Lois the day before she passed away, "Lois, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because everything is so good right now." I am not saying this to depress you, I am saying it because it is how many of us have thought at one point or another. The thing is, we can't life like this. I can't look into the future worried all the time because I truly don't know what is coming. I am praying to God right now as I write this that he protects me from something monumentally horrible happening. I hope I can trust Him if something bad does happen again. Sometimes I have spent time in bed worrying about things to come. I literally can't sleep. I am sure that many of you have had this happen. This leads me to another thought.
Have any of us been kept awake because we are so excited about all the good things that could happen to us the next day? I'm not talking about Christmas morning or something like that either where we are excited because of something we have planned for the next day. I am talking about getting excited for Monday because we just don't know what good is in store for us. What I am trying to say, and I have realized this in my own life, is this, I just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Good, or bad. The thing is, I never thought I would meet Krista in university, I had no ability to plan that. It happened, and a whole bunch of good happened after that. I never could have predicted how cool it would be to hear my kids read to me for the first time. It happened. I have met many friends in unlikely circumstances, things I could never have predicted. My point is this, we can't predict the future, good or bad. Remember there is often just as much a chance of a seemingly ordinary day turning into something great, as there is of something bad happening. I try and remind myself of this when I am worried, and I am no expert or motivational speaker or anything, but trying to remember that I can't predict the good things either, gives me hope for the next day. That good things that I don't expect can happen too!
So, be thankful for your friends, be thankful for their intricacies, let yourself be vulnerable with them, maybe they will help you find our important things about yourself. Maybe you will help them figure themselves out. Maybe something great will happen tomorrow! Look toward hope. (I am talking to myself here too)
Maybe you think that is stupid and I am a big tool full of hot air. That's o.k., it works for me, if it doesn't work for you, I hope you have something that does, and I hope you have a great Monday!
"In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets. Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald's reaction to a specifically Caroline joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him 'to myself' now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald. ... We possess each friend not less but more as the number of those with whom we share him increases."
- C.S. Lewis
When I read this I teared up because I immediately thought of Krista and how I and many others had lost a bit of each other and ourselves by not having her around to bring out the parts of us that would emerge when we were around her. Certain people seem to bring out the good (and bad) in us don't they.
My buddy John Tschritter is a great example. When Krista and I were dating, and then when we were married, and John was single, he had the uncanny ability to bring out the lippy side in me. I just couldn't help but make a joke a Krista's expense to try and get John to laugh. John did not ever make a joke about Krista and loved her and I to death. I just always felt like being a goof around him and we would have great times man. We would all be hanging out, having a good laugh and then, guaranteed, I would say something that was really witty, (in my opinion) but would be at Krista's expense, and she would laugh a bit, but really it was one of those laughs where I knew I was going to pay for it later. Guys do dumb things sometimes for laughs, I can't explain it ladies, I apologize. Johnny has a heart of gold though and brings out a lot of good in me too. (By the way, if I visit John and his awesome wife Linsay, he usually can't help himself from making a sideways joke either, we just have a bad influence comedically on each other apparently! Hahaha!) I love that guy.
Krista brought out a lot of good in me that I now wonder if I have lost. I wonder if bit by bit some of those good things have eroded away a bit. (this is not a plea for people to write me nice notes of encouragement, it's a just a little bit of introspection) I don't want to lose those things that she encouraged me to be, and I felt I should be. Some of them have grown stronger, for example I am more organized now than I have ever been. I really think she would be proud if she had the chance to talk to me about it. I don't live for her approval, but I think it is a good thing when I am improving in an area that I thought was an area of expertise in Krista that I always admired but seemingly never knew how to achieve. The memories of her being organized and how it helped our family function have spurred me to be better. There are other things like that, but I still wonder if I am missing something. Like I am worried that everyone else is noticing a deficiency in me but are too nervous to tell me about because they feel bad. Like people really want to say, "Jared, I really didn't want to tell you this, but you have really gone sideways in this area of your character the past while..." I am pretty certain that I have good enough friends and family that would call me on that stuff but I still wonder sometimes.
I often wonder how my children will be affected by the lack of Krista's influence as a mother in their lives. I honestly cannot possibly envision what our life would look like with her here because we are in a completely different stage than when she left. That is to say that I do try and envision it from time to time, but it is a fuzzy transmission. The first year I knew what I needed to do because I was certain about what choices we would be making together on how to raise a baby. Things like, get her on a schedule, make sure to spend intentional time with the other kids so they know how much they are loved too, feed her here, change here there, if this happens I should take her to the doctor etc. We sort of had the first year "planned" because we had been practiced up with two babies already. The dynamics have changed though, and miss dreadfully the opportunity to have Krista's opinions/certainties regarding our kids. Sophie is not a baby now, she is going to pre-school in September. Jaxon is not a little (relatively) grade 1 kid anymore, he is a 4'10" grade 3 student. Grace was in pre-school then and now she is a Grade 1 student who reads like she is half way through grade 2. I am a single father who is trying to navigate parenting alone. I am trying to know what the difference is between loving my kids the right amount and babying them. Trying to balance experiences and over-stimulation. Trying to understand that I may never express love or be loved again by a woman in a marriage relationship and be o.k. with that. I sure hope that you don't think that I am pulling a pity party over here, I know we all have things we are navigating through. You may be wondering similar things, or you may have lost someone or something that you are trying to figure out, "What the heck am I to do with this?!" To be honest with you, I am in a place where I am so thankful to God for the many blessings that our family has. That sounds so religiony and pretentious, but I'm not saying it to sound like a jerk. I really feel like there are a huge load of things that are great about our lives, and if it has to be the way it is, then I have to accept it for what it is and make sure that I am in this moment. Truly living, truly thankful for what life is right now. Truly cry if I need to as well.
One line from a great movie says this all in one statement, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why they call it the present" Kung Fu Panda Not considered a very philosophical movie, but man that is a great line. (Johnny likes that one too.)
Some of you reading this may have been close with Krista, some of you may have been acquaintances, some of you may have never met her. The weird part is that she has affected all of you reading this because I am only writing it because she is not here and I am trying to sort things out in my mind on this blog. Weird. We really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or even in 5 minutes from now. We all like to think we know, but we really don't. I find myself scared about this when I think about how good life is right now all things considered. The last time I thought things were really great I lost my wife. Krista said to her good friend Lois the day before she passed away, "Lois, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because everything is so good right now." I am not saying this to depress you, I am saying it because it is how many of us have thought at one point or another. The thing is, we can't life like this. I can't look into the future worried all the time because I truly don't know what is coming. I am praying to God right now as I write this that he protects me from something monumentally horrible happening. I hope I can trust Him if something bad does happen again. Sometimes I have spent time in bed worrying about things to come. I literally can't sleep. I am sure that many of you have had this happen. This leads me to another thought.
Have any of us been kept awake because we are so excited about all the good things that could happen to us the next day? I'm not talking about Christmas morning or something like that either where we are excited because of something we have planned for the next day. I am talking about getting excited for Monday because we just don't know what good is in store for us. What I am trying to say, and I have realized this in my own life, is this, I just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Good, or bad. The thing is, I never thought I would meet Krista in university, I had no ability to plan that. It happened, and a whole bunch of good happened after that. I never could have predicted how cool it would be to hear my kids read to me for the first time. It happened. I have met many friends in unlikely circumstances, things I could never have predicted. My point is this, we can't predict the future, good or bad. Remember there is often just as much a chance of a seemingly ordinary day turning into something great, as there is of something bad happening. I try and remind myself of this when I am worried, and I am no expert or motivational speaker or anything, but trying to remember that I can't predict the good things either, gives me hope for the next day. That good things that I don't expect can happen too!
So, be thankful for your friends, be thankful for their intricacies, let yourself be vulnerable with them, maybe they will help you find our important things about yourself. Maybe you will help them figure themselves out. Maybe something great will happen tomorrow! Look toward hope. (I am talking to myself here too)
Maybe you think that is stupid and I am a big tool full of hot air. That's o.k., it works for me, if it doesn't work for you, I hope you have something that does, and I hope you have a great Monday!
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