"In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets. Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald's reaction to a specifically Caroline joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him 'to myself' now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald. ... We possess each friend not less but more as the number of those with whom we share him increases."
- C.S. Lewis
When I read this I teared up because I immediately thought of Krista and how I and many others had lost a bit of each other and ourselves by not having her around to bring out the parts of us that would emerge when we were around her. Certain people seem to bring out the good (and bad) in us don't they.
My buddy John Tschritter is a great example. When Krista and I were dating, and then when we were married, and John was single, he had the uncanny ability to bring out the lippy side in me. I just couldn't help but make a joke a Krista's expense to try and get John to laugh. John did not ever make a joke about Krista and loved her and I to death. I just always felt like being a goof around him and we would have great times man. We would all be hanging out, having a good laugh and then, guaranteed, I would say something that was really witty, (in my opinion) but would be at Krista's expense, and she would laugh a bit, but really it was one of those laughs where I knew I was going to pay for it later. Guys do dumb things sometimes for laughs, I can't explain it ladies, I apologize. Johnny has a heart of gold though and brings out a lot of good in me too. (By the way, if I visit John and his awesome wife Linsay, he usually can't help himself from making a sideways joke either, we just have a bad influence comedically on each other apparently! Hahaha!) I love that guy.
Krista brought out a lot of good in me that I now wonder if I have lost. I wonder if bit by bit some of those good things have eroded away a bit. (this is not a plea for people to write me nice notes of encouragement, it's a just a little bit of introspection) I don't want to lose those things that she encouraged me to be, and I felt I should be. Some of them have grown stronger, for example I am more organized now than I have ever been. I really think she would be proud if she had the chance to talk to me about it. I don't live for her approval, but I think it is a good thing when I am improving in an area that I thought was an area of expertise in Krista that I always admired but seemingly never knew how to achieve. The memories of her being organized and how it helped our family function have spurred me to be better. There are other things like that, but I still wonder if I am missing something. Like I am worried that everyone else is noticing a deficiency in me but are too nervous to tell me about because they feel bad. Like people really want to say, "Jared, I really didn't want to tell you this, but you have really gone sideways in this area of your character the past while..." I am pretty certain that I have good enough friends and family that would call me on that stuff but I still wonder sometimes.
I often wonder how my children will be affected by the lack of Krista's influence as a mother in their lives. I honestly cannot possibly envision what our life would look like with her here because we are in a completely different stage than when she left. That is to say that I do try and envision it from time to time, but it is a fuzzy transmission. The first year I knew what I needed to do because I was certain about what choices we would be making together on how to raise a baby. Things like, get her on a schedule, make sure to spend intentional time with the other kids so they know how much they are loved too, feed her here, change here there, if this happens I should take her to the doctor etc. We sort of had the first year "planned" because we had been practiced up with two babies already. The dynamics have changed though, and miss dreadfully the opportunity to have Krista's opinions/certainties regarding our kids. Sophie is not a baby now, she is going to pre-school in September. Jaxon is not a little (relatively) grade 1 kid anymore, he is a 4'10" grade 3 student. Grace was in pre-school then and now she is a Grade 1 student who reads like she is half way through grade 2. I am a single father who is trying to navigate parenting alone. I am trying to know what the difference is between loving my kids the right amount and babying them. Trying to balance experiences and over-stimulation. Trying to understand that I may never express love or be loved again by a woman in a marriage relationship and be o.k. with that. I sure hope that you don't think that I am pulling a pity party over here, I know we all have things we are navigating through. You may be wondering similar things, or you may have lost someone or something that you are trying to figure out, "What the heck am I to do with this?!" To be honest with you, I am in a place where I am so thankful to God for the many blessings that our family has. That sounds so religiony and pretentious, but I'm not saying it to sound like a jerk. I really feel like there are a huge load of things that are great about our lives, and if it has to be the way it is, then I have to accept it for what it is and make sure that I am in this moment. Truly living, truly thankful for what life is right now. Truly cry if I need to as well.
One line from a great movie says this all in one statement, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why they call it the present" Kung Fu Panda Not considered a very philosophical movie, but man that is a great line. (Johnny likes that one too.)
Some of you reading this may have been close with Krista, some of you may have been acquaintances, some of you may have never met her. The weird part is that she has affected all of you reading this because I am only writing it because she is not here and I am trying to sort things out in my mind on this blog. Weird. We really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or even in 5 minutes from now. We all like to think we know, but we really don't. I find myself scared about this when I think about how good life is right now all things considered. The last time I thought things were really great I lost my wife. Krista said to her good friend Lois the day before she passed away, "Lois, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because everything is so good right now." I am not saying this to depress you, I am saying it because it is how many of us have thought at one point or another. The thing is, we can't life like this. I can't look into the future worried all the time because I truly don't know what is coming. I am praying to God right now as I write this that he protects me from something monumentally horrible happening. I hope I can trust Him if something bad does happen again. Sometimes I have spent time in bed worrying about things to come. I literally can't sleep. I am sure that many of you have had this happen. This leads me to another thought.
Have any of us been kept awake because we are so excited about all the good things that could happen to us the next day? I'm not talking about Christmas morning or something like that either where we are excited because of something we have planned for the next day. I am talking about getting excited for Monday because we just don't know what good is in store for us. What I am trying to say, and I have realized this in my own life, is this, I just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Good, or bad. The thing is, I never thought I would meet Krista in university, I had no ability to plan that. It happened, and a whole bunch of good happened after that. I never could have predicted how cool it would be to hear my kids read to me for the first time. It happened. I have met many friends in unlikely circumstances, things I could never have predicted. My point is this, we can't predict the future, good or bad. Remember there is often just as much a chance of a seemingly ordinary day turning into something great, as there is of something bad happening. I try and remind myself of this when I am worried, and I am no expert or motivational speaker or anything, but trying to remember that I can't predict the good things either, gives me hope for the next day. That good things that I don't expect can happen too!
So, be thankful for your friends, be thankful for their intricacies, let yourself be vulnerable with them, maybe they will help you find our important things about yourself. Maybe you will help them figure themselves out. Maybe something great will happen tomorrow! Look toward hope. (I am talking to myself here too)
Maybe you think that is stupid and I am a big tool full of hot air. That's o.k., it works for me, if it doesn't work for you, I hope you have something that does, and I hope you have a great Monday!
Well written, Jared, as always.....
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