I was sitting having lunch with Ross Bekkering and his sister Janelle the other day. Ross and Janelle are 2 of 5 siblings from a great family. I love the Bekkerings. (Not just the Taber crew, but their relatives as well. All Bekkerings I know are great.) Krista and I used to look at the way they showed love and support for each other and talk about how we hoped to foster the same love and support for each other in our own kids.
When we were having lunch we started talking about life and all that and I was talking about raising kids and parenting, and Ross started talking and prefaced his one statement with, "I have NO idea what it must be like to raise kids, but ..." and continued on with his thought. It was a great conversation, like I said, I love the Bekkerings, but it got me thinking.
I started thinking about my sister and how her and her husband Chris, who are both gold, didn't really understand where Krista and I were coming from when we had kids and they didn't. They would sometimes invite us over for supper closer to 6:00 at night, super nice, but they had no idea of schedules of families with kids. Krista and I had a nighttime routine and I still do with my kids. It's the way that things go so that the kids go off to sleep well, at the best time for them to get their rest and at the best time for us to relax a little bit before falling into bed. We had already eaten and the kids were about to start their baths soon and then we had to get their pajamas on and then read a story and then pray and then sing a little song, and then bedtime. Busting out for a late supper would mess up the routine, the kids would probably get to bed late and then they would be mental the next day or two. (We were a bit too anal sometimes, but our kids really do function best on a schedule, and so do I) Until Nicole and Chris had Ella they just couldn't understand. Not their fault, it's just really hard to understand someone else's situation until you are in it. "Walk a mile in someone else's shoes" as it were. Nicole has told me numerous times that she wishes she could tell Krista, "I get it now!" My sister is frickin' GOLD.
DOG people. Actually more, CAT people. Actually, PET people. I was never a pet person. I never had a pet growing up and never really wanted one to be honest. I like pets, I love to play around with other people's dogs and stuff but I am just fine not to have one of my own. I don't understand pet people. You know what I mean, people who think the world revolves around their pets. The ones who make facebook statuses about them as though their pets are on par with human children. I just don't feel that way. I especially don't get CAT people. Cats are arrogant. All the cats I have come in contact with anyway. Arrogant or mental. I'm talking Demon possesed mental. In university I housesat for my coach while he was coaching for the national team and he had a cat named Tindle who was a demon I swear. Look at that cat wrong and you were afraid to go around the corner for fear that a claw was going to come from a springing cat high above you, right at your jugular. I bought a LOT of Fancy Feast to appease that mental case that summer. It worked. Kittens are cute, the problem is, they grow into cats. Sorry to all the cat people out there, I just don't get you.
Krista and I had a dog named Jasper. We bought it the second year we were married because Krista had always had a dog when she grew up and she wanted one again. The argument we had over getting a dog was heated to say the least! You all know what happened. We got the dog. Jasper was a dog that was a border collie lovechild with something else. Whatever the case, I am sure that one of the parents was mentally deficient. Jasper had a lot of quirks. We bought him from the shelter, the people thought he had been a beaten dog because as soon as any large male came close he cowered and started peeing all over the place. That was pretty heartbreaking and you just wanted to love him. He was a cute little sucker too.
Even when he did something bad, like eating and entire vat of Vaseline, or butter, or the edge of a couch, or crapping all over the kitchen and front room, he looked at you like, "I'M SORRY DAD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED I JUST LOVE YOU I just love....) The thing is I believed him every time. When he ate that Vaseline, Krista and I took him for a walk and he started to wiggle, his routine before he pooped, and then he exploded a mix of feces and petroleum jelly out of his anus unlike anything I have ever seen. It just sprayed on this white picket fence. It was seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen until I realized that stuck on the fur around his bum was the same mix of stuff. Do you think Krista EVER cleaned this stuff up? If you guess yes, you are wrong. It was me. I didn't even want this frickin' dog and now I am shampooing and trimming with scissors (the only way it was going to come off) the hair around a dogs anus. "Is this really happening?" I was asking myself. We had Jasper for a few years then gave him to the SPCA after Grace was born. It just wasn't fair to him, we didn't have the proper time to walk him and he needed that. It was in his blood. He was adopted the next day by a family with three boys on an acreage out of town. I am sure he got a lot of running in there. I was sad when I dropped him off, even though I couldn't handle him anymore, but he was still part of our life. I am sorry dog people, fish people, hamster people, guinea pig people, people who spend inordinate amounts of money on things that aren't human. It doesn't mean my way is right, not at all! I'm just saying that I don't get you. (sidenote: I do know where you can get really good supplies for your pets if you are pet people. Just For Pets in Lethbridge always was great. The people who run it are great and they have the best beef tendons out there. Not that I have eaten them. Jasper LOVED those suckers...)
I find that being a parent to three kids is enough work for me right now let alone trying to figure out what to do with a dog or cat or salamander or fish. There are a bunch of people out there that will be thinking right now, "It's a great way to teach a child responsibility and how to love something." I guess I think that there are many more useful ways for ME to teach my kids that stuff. I understand parent people. I don't understand "MY KID" parent people, and I say this realizing that I am a "MY KID" person sometimes too. I am not saying that I am perfect. There is a difference between a Parent and a MY KID propaganda machine parent. I don't like when people talk about their kids' achievement all the time, or how great they are doing, or how awesome they are in a sport or something like that. (Some single people are probably reading this going, "TOTALLY! I am so sick of hearing about my married friend's kids!") I am fortunate that I can't think of anyone significant in my life who does this, but when I run across those people I get tire of them quickly. That may make me a jerk, I guess I am just being honest. Doesn't mean that I shouldn't work on my patience, or point the finger back at myself and evaluate how I am doing things.
What's your point man? Some of you may have been asking. If you haven't stopped reading yet, my point is this. Just because you may not understand someone else and their lifestyle doesn't make yours more right than theirs. I guess, what I mean is that there is so little room for conversation today. People may not agree with my beliefs or moral values as a person who says they are a Christian, but I would hope that they don't just tie me in to a bunch of stereotypes because of that label. I think there should be room for people to talk about philosophies of life and not necessarily need to win the conversation. If you don't agree with me it doesn't mean I don't like you, and if I don't agree with you, I would hope it would be the same way.
We see this world through the biased view of our own experiences. We don't really have another choice. As we age and get out and around this planet we are exposed to a VAST amount of differences that can be mindmelting when we realize that there is an ENTIRE world of people living completely different lives than our own. This can be overwhelming when on starts to evaluate what one believes. Unless we attempt to understand the people through their experiences, not our own we cannot have a starting point for good conversation. We need to be PEOPLE PEOPLE. That is a hard thing to do. I am not always too great at that. For me to truly listen to someone else I can't judge their life based on what happened to me. I can try and relate to them based on what has gone on in my life, but I can't judge them. I guess I have realized that I want to be more humble so that I can truly make an attempt at understanding people "where they are at" not all the while thinking about "where they could get to" or how I can get them to "get somewhere". I suppose I really have appreciated people encouraging me along the way, but only after I can see that they truly care about the person who I am at that moment. The sum of my parts resulting from my life experience up to that moment when we talked. Then we can work on future growth. Otherwise I just think they are know-it-alls who just like to hear themselves talk so that they can feel good about where they are at. They're not really trying to understand me, they are trying to help themselves feel good by thinking they are helping me. Sometimes the difference is a fine line. I hope you get what I mean.
I am saying that I don't want to judge people, I want to know them. That's relationship. That's what I hope I can do most of the time. Sometimes I am just full of hot air though. Sorta like this blog post...oh dear.
Friday 25 May 2012
Monday 14 May 2012
Twitter and How I Don't Want To Be Irrelevant.
I was walking to go do supervision in the cafeteria the other day and I saw a group of girls gathered around a cell phone looking and giggling. Naturally, I thought I would joke around with them and said in a high pitched voice, "Oooo, like, I can't even believe that she said that, like crazy!" The girls smiled but looked at me and the one with the phone said, "I'm tweeting something!" In a tone like, "Come on Jared, we're not immature, I am doing REAL work here." I looked at the tweet and it was a sarcastic comment something to do with getting asked to grad, I laughed and then went to supervision.
In the cafeteria the same group of girls were sitting together and I got to thinking, I think I should really look into learning a bit about this Twitter thing, even though I think it is ridiculous. I asked the girls if they would give me a lesson on Twitter later that lunch hour. They came in, showed me some stuff and now I know a little about hashtags, followers, following someone and other stuff. Well, actually there's not that much other stuff, but there are different levels of understanding about the 3 things I just mentioned and I found it quite interesting.
Those of you reading this that have Twitter, and are from a younger generation are probably laughing your heads off right now. "Man, Jared is old, how can you not really know Twitter?" Is likely the thought in some of your minds. Those of you in my generation who have been on Twitter, may struggle to use it, and those of you in older generations that have never tried it may be thinking, "Kids these days..." I used to be in the "Kids these days" category but I started thinking. "Man, if I don't get a handle on this stuff, and at least try it out, I will regret it when my kids get to the age where they start using technology as a part of their lives." I think it is important to look into what's going on out there, if not for anything else, than to understand people. I used to not understand why some older teachers were intimidated by new technologies. Literally Power Point was a program that I used all the time when I first started teaching, (still do) and other teachers were still using overheads. No reason to change in their minds, I like to do things the way I have always done them. They were still great teachers, but that technology could have and eventually did (when they did try it) help them. I understand the resistance to change though, I am reaching that age where I feel comfortable in looking at the world through the lenses that I am comfortable with and I don't want to change my prescription. The problem is the world around is changing and my eyesight is getting blurred. I need to keep changing my prescription of how I view things to avoid just being "stuck in my ways." Am I saying that you shouldn't stand firm on certain issues? NO WAY, I just think I need to keep educating myself on the WHY's of my positions. This isn't just regarding technology but society in general. I am not saying that all technology is good progress, nor do I think that everything that society determines is "right" I agree with, but I think I have a responsibility to my own kids to know and understand current trends. That way, if I understand the use of something, or understand a certain shift in generational thinking, then, I have a right to critique it. Don't knock it till you try it I guess. But once I try it, I feel like I have earned the right to Knock, Knock, Knock away if I want. Just because it's new and cool, doesn't mean it's good for society. In the same manner though, just because "It's always been done this way." doesn't mean that it hasn't been done wrong for a long, long time.(Obviously I don't think this "Don't knock it till you try it" applies to certain things, illegal drug use for example!)
Kids have access to the whole world now via the Internet. That is not always a good thing. One that really burns me is that sexually explicit material is available at the click of a button. This "educates" them but they honestly have no idea what to do with their so called "education". "How do the images I just saw teach me how to treat a woman/man with respect and dignity?" is not a question I am sure many kids (or adults for that matter) ask when they look at pornography. It is a distortion of a truth in regards to how the topic of sex should be treated. A big distortion in my opinion. Just because you are being educated does not mean you are being taught truth. You can learn a WHOLE LOT of crap from the internet.
I think that being a kid today is much harder than when I was a kid. There is so much out there it is overwhelming. Jax already knows how to use an Iphone decently well. I had a computer with 8 megs of RAM. That's not a typo, 8megs. The handheld devices we have are infinitely more complex, yet easier to use. Technology is NOT going away that is for sure.
I don't want to become irrelevant. I am not trying to say that I am going to try and keep current with styles and media and stuff like that so that I can show the kids I'm cool. Like, "Look kids, I'm hip, I'm with the times, you think I'm cool right, RIGHT? Please say I am cool. PLEASE!" If I ever get like that, I hope someone comes and punches me square in the face because I would be a loser. What I am saying is that I feel like if I want to relate to Jaxon, Grace and Sophie later in life and meet them where they are at, that I shouldn't put it on myself to live in and make myself an expert at things that I don't really understand just for the sake of being cool. I should try and understand them for the sake of relationship and understanding with my kids first, and my students second. I want to be confident in how I relate to my own kids regarding the information out there and how it should be used. Technology is not going away, it just isn't.
I want my kids to see that I am trying to meet them where they are at, then when I tell them that some social media site is a bit superfluous to their needs as a contributing member of society and our family, they will know that I have my reasons and I am not just spouting crap.
Again, I am not saying that I have parenting figured out, basically I am saying that this is one of the areas that I struggle with and am trying to work out how to deal with it. All of us parents have things that we are not confident in, but I suppose if we work at them, our kids can see that we are trying and I think that can bring us a long way in getting closer.
Thanks to the kids who taught me some stuff about Twitter, I'm going to tweet this right now. Follow me @jaredheidinger (The jury is still out on the usefulness of this...)
In the cafeteria the same group of girls were sitting together and I got to thinking, I think I should really look into learning a bit about this Twitter thing, even though I think it is ridiculous. I asked the girls if they would give me a lesson on Twitter later that lunch hour. They came in, showed me some stuff and now I know a little about hashtags, followers, following someone and other stuff. Well, actually there's not that much other stuff, but there are different levels of understanding about the 3 things I just mentioned and I found it quite interesting.
Those of you reading this that have Twitter, and are from a younger generation are probably laughing your heads off right now. "Man, Jared is old, how can you not really know Twitter?" Is likely the thought in some of your minds. Those of you in my generation who have been on Twitter, may struggle to use it, and those of you in older generations that have never tried it may be thinking, "Kids these days..." I used to be in the "Kids these days" category but I started thinking. "Man, if I don't get a handle on this stuff, and at least try it out, I will regret it when my kids get to the age where they start using technology as a part of their lives." I think it is important to look into what's going on out there, if not for anything else, than to understand people. I used to not understand why some older teachers were intimidated by new technologies. Literally Power Point was a program that I used all the time when I first started teaching, (still do) and other teachers were still using overheads. No reason to change in their minds, I like to do things the way I have always done them. They were still great teachers, but that technology could have and eventually did (when they did try it) help them. I understand the resistance to change though, I am reaching that age where I feel comfortable in looking at the world through the lenses that I am comfortable with and I don't want to change my prescription. The problem is the world around is changing and my eyesight is getting blurred. I need to keep changing my prescription of how I view things to avoid just being "stuck in my ways." Am I saying that you shouldn't stand firm on certain issues? NO WAY, I just think I need to keep educating myself on the WHY's of my positions. This isn't just regarding technology but society in general. I am not saying that all technology is good progress, nor do I think that everything that society determines is "right" I agree with, but I think I have a responsibility to my own kids to know and understand current trends. That way, if I understand the use of something, or understand a certain shift in generational thinking, then, I have a right to critique it. Don't knock it till you try it I guess. But once I try it, I feel like I have earned the right to Knock, Knock, Knock away if I want. Just because it's new and cool, doesn't mean it's good for society. In the same manner though, just because "It's always been done this way." doesn't mean that it hasn't been done wrong for a long, long time.(Obviously I don't think this "Don't knock it till you try it" applies to certain things, illegal drug use for example!)
Kids have access to the whole world now via the Internet. That is not always a good thing. One that really burns me is that sexually explicit material is available at the click of a button. This "educates" them but they honestly have no idea what to do with their so called "education". "How do the images I just saw teach me how to treat a woman/man with respect and dignity?" is not a question I am sure many kids (or adults for that matter) ask when they look at pornography. It is a distortion of a truth in regards to how the topic of sex should be treated. A big distortion in my opinion. Just because you are being educated does not mean you are being taught truth. You can learn a WHOLE LOT of crap from the internet.
I think that being a kid today is much harder than when I was a kid. There is so much out there it is overwhelming. Jax already knows how to use an Iphone decently well. I had a computer with 8 megs of RAM. That's not a typo, 8megs. The handheld devices we have are infinitely more complex, yet easier to use. Technology is NOT going away that is for sure.
I don't want to become irrelevant. I am not trying to say that I am going to try and keep current with styles and media and stuff like that so that I can show the kids I'm cool. Like, "Look kids, I'm hip, I'm with the times, you think I'm cool right, RIGHT? Please say I am cool. PLEASE!" If I ever get like that, I hope someone comes and punches me square in the face because I would be a loser. What I am saying is that I feel like if I want to relate to Jaxon, Grace and Sophie later in life and meet them where they are at, that I shouldn't put it on myself to live in and make myself an expert at things that I don't really understand just for the sake of being cool. I should try and understand them for the sake of relationship and understanding with my kids first, and my students second. I want to be confident in how I relate to my own kids regarding the information out there and how it should be used. Technology is not going away, it just isn't.
I want my kids to see that I am trying to meet them where they are at, then when I tell them that some social media site is a bit superfluous to their needs as a contributing member of society and our family, they will know that I have my reasons and I am not just spouting crap.
Again, I am not saying that I have parenting figured out, basically I am saying that this is one of the areas that I struggle with and am trying to work out how to deal with it. All of us parents have things that we are not confident in, but I suppose if we work at them, our kids can see that we are trying and I think that can bring us a long way in getting closer.
Thanks to the kids who taught me some stuff about Twitter, I'm going to tweet this right now. Follow me @jaredheidinger (The jury is still out on the usefulness of this...)
Tuesday 8 May 2012
Perspective and Relationship, What Lies Ahead?
I was sitting in Earl's restaurant with my kids tonight having a nice Bronx Burger, Grace and Soph (fettucini alfredo) Jax (chicken fingers and fries) and it was one of those moments where we were all eating and I thought, "Is this how we will always eat as a family?" Obviously I wasn't pondering the choices we make for dinner, I am sure I will eat other things besides a Bronx burger again. I was thinking, "Is this the way my family is going to look forever?", "The three kids and I?" I have to say that in that moment things were good so I was at peace with the answer of "Yes." in that moment, but there are others where it is hard to describe the confusion in my mind that THIS is what life turned out to be.
I am sure all of us have had moments in the midst of trials where we have looked the empty space surrounding us and just said, "REALLY?! REALLY?! THIS IS MY LIFE?" I count my situation as a trial, although when I look at the world around me, I find that my "trial" is definitely more emotional than physical. I mean, part of my trial is eating supper out at Earl's. A kid in Africa who lost his parents and is starving, would likely look at my trial and say, "My friend, I understand the pain in part of your trial, but, you need to get your perspective checked." He would probably not say it in a mean way, a way that implies that he is the only one that knows true suffering and that I am an idiot. In my mind I see and hear it being said to me from a point of compassion, surprise and with a tone of "oh you poor thing, you really don't get out all that often do you?" My trials are sheltered to my experience, there's really no shame in that, but I think that the more that you see of this world, the older you get, you continue to gain perspective.
I think that's why older people look at the generations beneath them and say, "Kids these days!" I am old enough now that sometimes as a teacher I see some kid acting like an entitled jerk and say, "Kids these days..." then I catch myself and realize that the likely reason that kid is entitled is because that is his experience. I am sure I look entitled to many people who don't have as much as I do. Interesting thought for me to spend time on in my little brain...
The thing is I think we need to acknowledge when we feel trials. Since Krista passed away, especially in the beginning, people used to start talking to me about their trials and then suddenly stop and say, "I'm sorry, you must think I am really stupid for complaining about this..." You know what? I wasn't upset. I just want to talk about the true things of life with people, I am honored when someone shares something with me. It means they trust me. It means that they aren't perfect. When we share our imperfections it allows all of us to be more real with each other. I like that stuff. We get perspective when we hear other people's heart felt feelings.
I guess perspective gives us opportunity to reevaluate our situation. To figure out whether it's worth spending too much energy on. When we really dig deep, we find that some of the time, our energy is not worth wasting on that thing that was bothering us.
So hearing about at student's rough breakup is not stupid to me. I think many of us in high school relationships made mistakes or got hurt, and to us at that time, it was a BIG deal. The biggest deal, Those kinds of stress permeate your whole day at that age and into university age too. So when a kid talks to me about that stuff, I really listen, try to hear what they are talking about, because I know it's a big deal. I am not saying that I am THE FRICKIN' MAN. I just had people that listened to me talk to them about stuff and never judged me. They encouraged me and truly listened, so I try to do the same when I can slow down enough to realize when one of those opportunities for me to listen is staring me in the face. I sometimes miss the cues, but I am trying. It's great when you get to hear about all the great things after the hard times have passed too! It proves that many times, the hard times do begin to pass!
We all go through hardships and my most emotional and painful trials involve the loss of Krista. So what lies ahead for me in this area of relationship? I don't know. Sometimes people ask me if there have been any women interested in me. NOPE. Do I want to be with someone again? Yes, I think so. Maybe. But that "yes" comes with some major questions and qualifications. I guess the first two are things that I think anyone should think about before they get involved with someone.
#1. I have to know who I am before I allow myself to open up in a relational way to someone else again. There are things about myself I have not been able to figure out, just can't seem to find the will in myself to beat them, (weight, and taking good care of my health for starters) that I need to get a rhythm for so that I have the confidence in myself that I can make good decisions. That I can truly feel like I am doing the best for myself and family with the gifts and talents that God has given me. I know that everyone searches for this in their life in different stages; married, not married, relationship, single. I know, I know. But I hope you know what I mean.
#2. I don't want to NEED someone. I need to be satisfied with what has been given me, and not find myself in the place where I am searching for a relationship with someone to fill a lonely spot. That IS NOT COOL. That is lame. That is not love, that is clinging. I want to just be able to BE. I actually think that at times in our marriage, I made Krista too much of the focus. If she was happy, I was happy. If she wasn't, I somehow thought it was my fault even though it didn't have anything to do with me. That could put pressure on her, and because of that, I could not be the sounding board that she needed at times. I was sensitive, but not in the right moments at times. I want to be able to evaluate what my role is in a relationship and strive to meet it, but not to put undue pressure on myself. I need to be in a place where I am comfortable with my life as it is, then someone else in it will just be the icing on the cake.
#3. I HAVE THREE KIDS. My life is not my own. I am a father first. I honestly have no idea how a relationship would look with three kids in the picture, and I honestly not sure that I have the energy to care. My kids are the most important earthly job I have. The are the greatest blessing that God has placed in my life. I am not frickin' around with the idea of someone else coming in here unless they love my kids. I would love for them to have someone to care about them in a mother role. Until I feel that is right though, I have a TON of mother roles around my family that care for my kids. Grandparents, our Nanny Simone (who takes care of me like a mother too) and all my married and single female friends who have loved my kids to bits right from the start.
#4. Krista. Krista obviously means a lot to me and my kids. Her family are my family. I will never lose them as part of my family's life. That could be a touchy thing when an issue of someone else comes in. Krista was the person who was the most influential person on my life and who I have become in the last 16 years. She has taught me things even in her absence. The essence of her will always be in my children and in the things that I know about who I am. That's not something you ever put totally to the side. I honestly don't know how much I can let that go to the point where I am giving someone else a fair shake. I don't want to compare someone else to her. I can't do that if I wanted to treat someone else like they should be treated. She means A LOT to me. I loved her, and still do in many ways, but it is strange to define love with a memory...
The type of woman that would have the grace to understand that Krista's memory and her family will always be part of our lives, and to work through the unknowns of this type of relationship is a bit of an apparition I think. I'm pretty sure that one minute I would be talking to her, the next minute she would be flying back to heaven saying, "Yah, God needs me somewhere else right now, but you are really attractive for a human..." (Angel reference for those of you who didn't catch that.) That or she would float in on an umbrella and start singing Supercalafrgilisticexpeealidocious (spelling.) That was a Mary Poppins reference for all the young ones that might read this.
EPILOGUE (since this is basically a novel, man, I just can't seem to write short blog posts...)
I started blogging because I wanted to share thoughts I was having. I have thought long and hard about sharing these because I fear that people would start brainstorming women for me. By sharing what I shared I want to be clear that I AM NOT TROLLING FOR A DATE. I thank God that I have not had any women take an interest in me because I am still figuring out stuff that I feel a relationship would complicate a bit. I guess I don't really know, but life is busy, I am tired, and it confuses and melts my brain to think about how someone else could fit in to this awesome, but at times, gongshow life. I am just sharing thoughts. Don't send out the, "Hey, Jared's thinking about dating" memo to anyone. The list of memo recipients would be EXTREMELY short anyway, and like I established before, it is likely that the woman you contacted would be an angel, or Mary Poppins and they have a lot of other work to do. Also, don't suggest some frickin' e-Harmony, ChristianSingles.com, or other online dating site. I think I just puked a bit there just thinking about that. Yep, I did.
I am sure all of us have had moments in the midst of trials where we have looked the empty space surrounding us and just said, "REALLY?! REALLY?! THIS IS MY LIFE?" I count my situation as a trial, although when I look at the world around me, I find that my "trial" is definitely more emotional than physical. I mean, part of my trial is eating supper out at Earl's. A kid in Africa who lost his parents and is starving, would likely look at my trial and say, "My friend, I understand the pain in part of your trial, but, you need to get your perspective checked." He would probably not say it in a mean way, a way that implies that he is the only one that knows true suffering and that I am an idiot. In my mind I see and hear it being said to me from a point of compassion, surprise and with a tone of "oh you poor thing, you really don't get out all that often do you?" My trials are sheltered to my experience, there's really no shame in that, but I think that the more that you see of this world, the older you get, you continue to gain perspective.
I think that's why older people look at the generations beneath them and say, "Kids these days!" I am old enough now that sometimes as a teacher I see some kid acting like an entitled jerk and say, "Kids these days..." then I catch myself and realize that the likely reason that kid is entitled is because that is his experience. I am sure I look entitled to many people who don't have as much as I do. Interesting thought for me to spend time on in my little brain...
The thing is I think we need to acknowledge when we feel trials. Since Krista passed away, especially in the beginning, people used to start talking to me about their trials and then suddenly stop and say, "I'm sorry, you must think I am really stupid for complaining about this..." You know what? I wasn't upset. I just want to talk about the true things of life with people, I am honored when someone shares something with me. It means they trust me. It means that they aren't perfect. When we share our imperfections it allows all of us to be more real with each other. I like that stuff. We get perspective when we hear other people's heart felt feelings.
I guess perspective gives us opportunity to reevaluate our situation. To figure out whether it's worth spending too much energy on. When we really dig deep, we find that some of the time, our energy is not worth wasting on that thing that was bothering us.
So hearing about at student's rough breakup is not stupid to me. I think many of us in high school relationships made mistakes or got hurt, and to us at that time, it was a BIG deal. The biggest deal, Those kinds of stress permeate your whole day at that age and into university age too. So when a kid talks to me about that stuff, I really listen, try to hear what they are talking about, because I know it's a big deal. I am not saying that I am THE FRICKIN' MAN. I just had people that listened to me talk to them about stuff and never judged me. They encouraged me and truly listened, so I try to do the same when I can slow down enough to realize when one of those opportunities for me to listen is staring me in the face. I sometimes miss the cues, but I am trying. It's great when you get to hear about all the great things after the hard times have passed too! It proves that many times, the hard times do begin to pass!
We all go through hardships and my most emotional and painful trials involve the loss of Krista. So what lies ahead for me in this area of relationship? I don't know. Sometimes people ask me if there have been any women interested in me. NOPE. Do I want to be with someone again? Yes, I think so. Maybe. But that "yes" comes with some major questions and qualifications. I guess the first two are things that I think anyone should think about before they get involved with someone.
#1. I have to know who I am before I allow myself to open up in a relational way to someone else again. There are things about myself I have not been able to figure out, just can't seem to find the will in myself to beat them, (weight, and taking good care of my health for starters) that I need to get a rhythm for so that I have the confidence in myself that I can make good decisions. That I can truly feel like I am doing the best for myself and family with the gifts and talents that God has given me. I know that everyone searches for this in their life in different stages; married, not married, relationship, single. I know, I know. But I hope you know what I mean.
#2. I don't want to NEED someone. I need to be satisfied with what has been given me, and not find myself in the place where I am searching for a relationship with someone to fill a lonely spot. That IS NOT COOL. That is lame. That is not love, that is clinging. I want to just be able to BE. I actually think that at times in our marriage, I made Krista too much of the focus. If she was happy, I was happy. If she wasn't, I somehow thought it was my fault even though it didn't have anything to do with me. That could put pressure on her, and because of that, I could not be the sounding board that she needed at times. I was sensitive, but not in the right moments at times. I want to be able to evaluate what my role is in a relationship and strive to meet it, but not to put undue pressure on myself. I need to be in a place where I am comfortable with my life as it is, then someone else in it will just be the icing on the cake.
#3. I HAVE THREE KIDS. My life is not my own. I am a father first. I honestly have no idea how a relationship would look with three kids in the picture, and I honestly not sure that I have the energy to care. My kids are the most important earthly job I have. The are the greatest blessing that God has placed in my life. I am not frickin' around with the idea of someone else coming in here unless they love my kids. I would love for them to have someone to care about them in a mother role. Until I feel that is right though, I have a TON of mother roles around my family that care for my kids. Grandparents, our Nanny Simone (who takes care of me like a mother too) and all my married and single female friends who have loved my kids to bits right from the start.
#4. Krista. Krista obviously means a lot to me and my kids. Her family are my family. I will never lose them as part of my family's life. That could be a touchy thing when an issue of someone else comes in. Krista was the person who was the most influential person on my life and who I have become in the last 16 years. She has taught me things even in her absence. The essence of her will always be in my children and in the things that I know about who I am. That's not something you ever put totally to the side. I honestly don't know how much I can let that go to the point where I am giving someone else a fair shake. I don't want to compare someone else to her. I can't do that if I wanted to treat someone else like they should be treated. She means A LOT to me. I loved her, and still do in many ways, but it is strange to define love with a memory...
The type of woman that would have the grace to understand that Krista's memory and her family will always be part of our lives, and to work through the unknowns of this type of relationship is a bit of an apparition I think. I'm pretty sure that one minute I would be talking to her, the next minute she would be flying back to heaven saying, "Yah, God needs me somewhere else right now, but you are really attractive for a human..." (Angel reference for those of you who didn't catch that.) That or she would float in on an umbrella and start singing Supercalafrgilisticexpeealidocious (spelling.) That was a Mary Poppins reference for all the young ones that might read this.
EPILOGUE (since this is basically a novel, man, I just can't seem to write short blog posts...)
I started blogging because I wanted to share thoughts I was having. I have thought long and hard about sharing these because I fear that people would start brainstorming women for me. By sharing what I shared I want to be clear that I AM NOT TROLLING FOR A DATE. I thank God that I have not had any women take an interest in me because I am still figuring out stuff that I feel a relationship would complicate a bit. I guess I don't really know, but life is busy, I am tired, and it confuses and melts my brain to think about how someone else could fit in to this awesome, but at times, gongshow life. I am just sharing thoughts. Don't send out the, "Hey, Jared's thinking about dating" memo to anyone. The list of memo recipients would be EXTREMELY short anyway, and like I established before, it is likely that the woman you contacted would be an angel, or Mary Poppins and they have a lot of other work to do. Also, don't suggest some frickin' e-Harmony, ChristianSingles.com, or other online dating site. I think I just puked a bit there just thinking about that. Yep, I did.
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