Perspective and Relationship, What Lies Ahead?

I was sitting in Earl's restaurant with my kids tonight having a nice Bronx Burger, Grace and Soph (fettucini alfredo) Jax (chicken fingers and fries) and it was one of those moments where we were all eating and I thought, "Is this how we will always eat as a family?"  Obviously I wasn't pondering the choices we make for dinner, I am sure I will eat other things besides a Bronx burger again.  I was thinking, "Is this the way my family is going to look forever?", "The three kids and I?"  I have to say that in that moment things were good so I was at peace with the answer of "Yes." in that moment, but there are others where it is hard to describe the confusion in my mind that THIS is what life turned out to be.

I am sure all of us have had moments in the midst of trials where we have looked the empty space surrounding us and just said, "REALLY?!  REALLY?!  THIS IS MY LIFE?"  I count my situation as a trial, although when I look at the world around me, I find that my "trial" is definitely more emotional than physical.  I mean, part of my trial is eating supper out at Earl's.  A kid in Africa who lost his parents and is starving, would likely look at my trial and say, "My friend, I understand the pain in part of your trial, but, you need to get your perspective checked."  He would probably not say it in a mean way, a way that implies that he is the only one that knows true suffering and that I am an idiot.  In my mind I see and hear it being said to me from a point of compassion, surprise and with a tone of "oh you poor thing, you really don't get out all that often do you?"  My trials are sheltered to my experience, there's really no shame in that, but I think that the more that you see of this world, the older you get, you continue to gain perspective.

I think that's why older people look at the generations beneath them and say, "Kids these days!"  I am old enough now that sometimes as a teacher I see some kid acting like an entitled jerk and say, "Kids these days..." then I catch myself and realize that the likely reason that kid is entitled is because that is his experience.  I am sure I look entitled to many people who don't have as much as I do.  Interesting thought for me to spend time on in my little brain...

The thing is I think we need to acknowledge when we feel trials.  Since Krista passed away, especially in the beginning, people used to start talking to me about their trials and then suddenly stop and say, "I'm sorry, you must think I am really stupid for complaining about this..."  You know what?  I wasn't upset.  I just want to talk about the true things of life with people, I am honored when someone shares something with me.  It means they trust me. It means that they aren't perfect.  When we share our imperfections it allows all of us to be more real with each other.  I like that stuff.  We get perspective when we hear other people's heart felt feelings.

I guess perspective gives us opportunity to reevaluate our situation.  To figure out whether it's worth spending too much energy on.  When we really dig deep, we find that some of the time, our energy is not worth wasting on that thing that was bothering us.

So hearing about at student's rough breakup is not stupid to me.  I think many of us in high school relationships made mistakes or got hurt, and to us at that time, it was a BIG deal.  The biggest deal, Those kinds of stress permeate your whole day at that age and into university age too.  So when a kid talks to me about that stuff, I really listen, try to hear what they are talking about, because I know it's a big deal.  I am not saying that I am THE FRICKIN' MAN.  I just had people that listened to me talk to them about stuff and never judged me.  They encouraged me and truly listened, so I try to do the same when I can slow down enough to realize when one of those opportunities for me to listen is staring me in the face.  I sometimes miss the cues, but I am trying.  It's great when you get to hear about all the great things after the hard times have passed too!  It proves that many times, the hard times do begin to pass!

We all go through hardships and my most emotional and painful trials involve the loss of Krista.  So what lies ahead for me in this area of relationship?  I don't know.  Sometimes people ask me if there have been any women interested in me.  NOPE.  Do I want to be with someone again?  Yes, I think so. Maybe.  But that "yes" comes with some major questions and qualifications.  I guess the first two are things that I think anyone should think about before they get involved with someone.

#1.  I have to know who I am before I allow myself to open up in a relational way to someone else again.  There are things about myself I have not been able to figure out, just can't seem to find the will in myself to beat them, (weight, and taking good care of my health for starters) that I need to get a rhythm for so that I have the confidence in myself that I can make good decisions.  That I can truly feel like I am doing the best for myself and family with the gifts and talents that God has given me.  I know that everyone searches for this in their life in different stages; married, not married, relationship, single. I know, I know.  But I hope you know what I mean.

 #2.  I don't want to NEED someone. I need to be satisfied with what has been given me, and not find myself in the place where I am searching for a relationship with someone to fill a lonely spot.  That IS NOT COOL.  That is lame.  That is not love, that is clinging.  I want to just be able to BE.  I actually think that at times in our marriage, I made Krista too much of the focus.  If she was happy, I was happy.  If she wasn't, I somehow thought it was my fault even though it didn't have anything to do with me.  That could put pressure on her, and because of that, I could not be the sounding board that she needed at times.  I was sensitive, but not in the right moments at times.  I want to be able to evaluate what my role is in a relationship and strive to meet it, but not to put undue pressure on myself.  I need to be in a place where I am comfortable with my life as it is, then someone else in it will just be the icing on the cake.

#3.  I HAVE THREE KIDS.  My life is not my own.  I am a father first.  I honestly have no idea how a relationship would look with three kids in the picture, and I honestly not sure that I have the energy to care.  My kids are the most important earthly job I have.  The are the greatest blessing that God has placed in my life.  I am not frickin' around with the idea of someone else coming in here unless they love my kids.  I would love for them to have someone to care about them in a mother role.  Until I feel that is right though, I have a TON of mother roles around my family that care for my kids.  Grandparents, our Nanny Simone (who takes care of me like a mother too) and all my married and single female friends who have loved my kids to bits right from the start.

#4.  Krista.  Krista obviously means a lot to me and my kids.  Her family are my family. I will never lose them as part of my family's life.  That could be a touchy thing when an issue of someone else comes in.  Krista was the person who was the most influential person on my life and who I have become in the last 16 years.  She has taught me things even in her absence.  The essence of her will always be in my children and in the things that I know about who I am. That's not something you ever put totally to the side.  I honestly don't know how much I can let that go to the point where I am giving someone else a fair shake.  I don't want to compare someone else to her.  I can't do that if I wanted to treat someone else like they should be treated.  She means A LOT to me.  I loved her, and still do in many ways, but it is strange to define love with a memory...

The type of woman that would have the grace to understand that Krista's memory and her family will always be part of our lives, and to work through the unknowns of this type of relationship is a bit of an apparition I think.  I'm pretty sure that one minute I would be talking to her, the next minute she would be flying back to heaven saying, "Yah, God needs me somewhere else right now, but you are really attractive for a human..." (Angel reference for those of you who didn't catch that.) That or she would float in on an umbrella and start singing Supercalafrgilisticexpeealidocious (spelling.) That was a Mary Poppins reference for all the young ones that might read this.

EPILOGUE (since this is basically a novel, man, I just can't seem to write short blog posts...)

I started blogging because I wanted to share thoughts I was having.  I have thought long and hard about sharing these because I fear that people would start brainstorming women for me.  By sharing what I shared I want to be clear that I AM NOT TROLLING FOR A DATE.  I thank God that I have not had any women take an interest in me because I am still figuring out stuff that I feel a relationship would complicate a bit.  I guess I don't really know, but life is busy, I am tired, and it confuses and melts my brain to think about how someone else could fit in to this awesome, but at times, gongshow life.  I am just sharing thoughts.  Don't send out the, "Hey, Jared's thinking about dating" memo to anyone.  The list of memo recipients would be EXTREMELY short anyway, and like I established before, it is likely that the woman you contacted would be an angel, or Mary Poppins and they have a lot of other work to do.  Also, don't suggest some frickin' e-Harmony, ChristianSingles.com, or other online dating site.  I think I just puked a bit there just thinking about that.  Yep, I did.