It's been a long time since I have written one of these.
Hmmm.
I'm sitting in a restaurant, my mother-in-law is watching the kids for me and I feel like writing something uplifting but can't seem to muster what it takes. I haven't seemingly been able to muster what it takes for a bit now. The people sitting around me in the restaurant are annoying me with their jabbering and laughing, and I am really feeling like a tool for even thinking like that.
This past fall/winter/earlyearlyspring has been weird for my brain and I'm pretty sure I know why.
Things are different.
For those of you who read this thing from time to time, you will know that I have commented about my thinking about how much time has passed since Krista passed. Before she died I knew people who lost someone important to them and they would say things like, "I lost dad/mom/brother/sister/friend X# of years ago." with this "just-happened yesterday" kind of tone. I felt bad for them, I genuinely did, but I didn't understand how they could still feel like it was just yesterday. I actually secretly wondered why they hadn't been able to let it go. How could they still hurt after that many years? I am admitting this because a lot of people think they are very smart about things they have no frickin' clue about until they go through something like it. I am like that sometimes. I'm such a know-it-all sometimes. That's why I write a blog, so that I can impart my wisdom to the masses. That sentence just before this was a joke. It wasn't very good.
I am the guy who talks sometimes as though he just lost his wife yesterday. I am the guy who has that tone. The tone I talked about not understanding. Everyone's lives have moved forward 3.5 years, including my kids, and I feel like I have moved forward too, but I just got stuck in a snowdrift and no matter how many times I try to rock myself out of the drift, I just keep spinning out and the drift keeps piling up around me. I've had lots of people come and help me, lots of digging out, lots of pushing, then I move, I get going and move ahead only to seemingly hit another drift. It's a good drive for awhile and then I just stop driving for some reason. It's like I'm just content not to move, even though I know for a fact it's not in my best interest because it takes more work to get out of a drift the longer you let it pile up around you.
Don't worry, I'm done with the snow drift metaphor.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my job, and I love my kids (even though I lose my patience with them from time to time. I am financially stable. I have friends and family who care about me. Pretty much, I just realized as I wrote that last sentence that I should probably just shut my mouth, or stop typing because truly, I am a spoiled punk. I think it's probably apparent to many of you at this point that my real issue is that I sometimes have a hard time trusting myself and actually believing that I have something to offer the world.
I know I have a place, on this place. I tell other people who are sorting stuff out in their lives that they have a purpose, I truly believe it, about them. I believe that they will get out of their funk. I honestly believe that they have gifts and talents and abilities that were gifted to them by God. I don't know if you are like me, but as much as I love to encourage and believe in others, I am that much discouraged in my own ability to make things happen that I know I want to in my own life. (Why the heck is the lady at the table across from me talking SO loud?)
Paul says it like this in Romans 7:15 - "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do." Yep.
One example. My body. I started this blog in January last year by saying that I was going to lose 50lbs by summer. Last summer. Summer 2012. It's not 2012, it's almost summer 2013 and I weigh more than I did back then. This is not a plea for ideas from people to help me work out and help me figure out my diet. I understand perfectly what I should do, but what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do. I just haven't moved forward in this area of my life. I languish in my own poor decisions and then dislike myself more and more each time I can't prove to myself that I can make a good choice. This is up to me to change. No one is going to force me to do anything. If they tried, I would likely let them know real quick that I don't want their help. I want to do this on my own, but hate that I can't consistently honour my own wishes. What is up with that? It's me, asking me to do something good for myself. You'd think that when you talk to yourself you should be able to convince yourself to do what's best for you, I mean, it's you for goodness sake!
I am quite sure that I don't want to be alone the rest of my life and I haven't been o.k. with it the past little bit. I miss being loved. I just do. (Update: The ladies across from me are now ordering dessert shots. Two Gladiators and two Birthday cakes...) I love being loved by my kids and friends and family, but it's just different to be loved by a spouse. That's one of the things I am working out right now. Losing being loved by someone else, and then struggling to understand your own positive traits isn't an uplifting thing. Pretty sure this is one of the things I am working out.
Soph is not a tag-along anymore either. She is a little person with her own personality. The thing about that because of this, nothing seems familiar in parenting anymore. Krista and I had ideas of how to be parents to two kids and a baby, and although I didn't think, "What would Krista do in this situation?" on a daily basis the last 3.5 years, I think my mind was sort of parenting based on what I knew. The thing is, I am breaking new ground here. Soph will now be enrolling in activities and having more play dates and having her life. For the past while, she has been herself, but Jax and Grace have been the ones getting "out there" as it were. How does life work now? Where do we go? What decisions do I make? How do I teach these kids about life? All these questions have floated through my mind a ton this past 6 months. I had a good talk with my friend Connie about this and she was very encouraging. She just really helped me get some thoughts in order. Realizing that the answers to these questions aren't necessarily the same for every family, realizing that my kids are MY kids, not "exactly what my perception of society's idea of a "good kid"" is. I hope that makes sense.
Here's the deal. As I wrote this tonight, I realized a few things. I need to make some changes and stick to them. I need to believe about myself, the same good things that I truly believe about others. I need to give myself the grace to parent in the ways I feel are right, and not be rattled about some things if they may not be "the way Krista would have done things". If I'm being honest, there is no real way to know what she would have thought. That is sad, but I need to let that go.
Man, my head is starting to feel clear again. I have made obvious to myself my blessings which makes me want to stop whining and address some fixable failings. Sweet. I suppose each moment I move forward in time is another moment to get things right. That's a pretty mind-melting thing really. Now I have to stop because my mind just melted. Good night.
P.S. - sorry to the ladies in the restaurant, you were just having a good time...
