In Canada, sometimes it snows a lot and when a bunch falls at one time there can be some pretty big ruts and snowdrifts (huge piles of snow blown into place by the wind) that form on the roads...
It's been awhile. I haven't been myself for some time.
It's strange when you know you aren't yourself, but can't seem to put a finger on it, and then just get so far into that rut that even if you turn the wheels on your life to get out, you just random around a bit (my version of what it looks like when you see someone try and turn out of a rut and their car shakes all over the place) and then fall back in. The ruts run too deep it seems sometimes, and you just look like a horrible driver. You feel like a horrible driver too.
Other drivers look and say, oh man, that guy has a rut problem. Sometimes getting in the wrong ruts can lead you right into a snowdrift.
I was probably a combination of the two for most of this year till recently. Got stuck in a rut in life, then tried to get out, randomed around with seeming excitement, then fell back in. Then rammed into a snow drift.
All of us have things in our lives that we are sure we can get over if we just try hard enough, and once we gain some steam it's great. I am an 'all or none' type guy. I can start something and I work at it, but if I fail, it's like all the work I put in is for nothing. Then I just get all down on myself and act in ways that destroy the good things I have worked for. It's a ridiculous and illogical way to think, and I like to think I think logically at least some of the time, but this gets me more often than not. Weird.
I was reading a book by Philip Yancey (who is gold) called "What Good is God?" I like Yancey because he's not all fluffy with Christianese (my term for classic Christian phrases and all that type of jazz) and he questions stuff, but then delves into his questions and comes out on the other side with conclusions that don't always tie everything up in a nice little bow, but point toward good plausible thoughts. One of the chapters in his book discusses Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is a support group that is available for alcoholics that gives support all day and night and the people in it are all fighting for the same major purpose, to help people stop drinking. This happens in steps and through the community of people involved.
One of his alcoholic friends said something to the effect of, "I bet if I went to an AA meeting and told the group I had killed someone, their first question would be, "O.k., but did you drink?"" Obviously this is a bit of an exaggeration, but the point of it was that these people don't care what you come in with, they are there for you. They will never stop being there for you in your time of temptation to drink. They never see someone come back to a meeting and say, "Thanks for coming, but are you really still dealing with that alcohol thing? Haven't you moved past that yet? Sheesh, you've been coming here for years and we're still talking about alcohol?" The point is that no one in AA is ever "free" from alcohol, they are will always be recovering alcoholics, and if they keep this in mind, they don't get cocky. Everyday they make a choice not to drink.
This struck me as an interesting angle on my own life. I am sure that you, like me, struggle with some things in life that you have been trying to change, but have never been able to make it fully stick. When you don't make its stick, you get all guilt ridden and wonder, "Why can't I just get over this?" That's what I do anyway. After I read this I realized that just because I'm not an alcoholic doesn't mean that I don't have "alcoholic like" patterns in my life. For me, the realization that I may never "be past it", was an epiphany for me.
As a former athlete (I'm trying to get back to some semblance of one) I had goals. I have set goals and reached them. I have also set goals and failed. Our society heaps praise on those who do whatever it takes to reach their goals. "I'm not going to let anything stand in my way of reaching my goal!" (USA! USA! USA!) We are inundated with stories of people who have achieved things in spite of overwhelming circumstances. I'm not saying these stories are bad, they can be very inspirational, but I don't think they are the norm. They also don't make good movies. I can just see it, "Hey, here's an idea, let's do a movie about a sports team that really wants to succeed, but they don't because they lack talent, resources and the will to achieve their goals." or "Hey, let's make a movie about someone who is overweight and NEVER figures out how to get past it because they are entering a guilt cycle. Oh man that's a blockbuster!"
I guess what I am trying to say is that we're a lot more like alcoholics than people that movies are written about. I actually think that the day to day praying and continually bringing our problems to God is more like an AA meeting than a triumphant closing scene. He always wants us to come back, and He will never say, "Really Jared? You're still dealing with that? You know, I was pretty close to not loving you anymore, but I suppose I'll give you another try, just don't disappoint me O.K.?" (looks down His nose at you while waving disapproving pointing finger in your direction)
I think God ALWAYS wants us to come back. I think He is probably confused as to why I would think I should feel the guilt that goes past the, "Oh crap I shouldn't have done that. Well, let's keep moving forward." healthy understanding type guilt. He probably is wondering why I think in this way, "Oh crap I shouldn't have done that. I'm a stupid idiot. How could you think that He would use you now. I mean you can't even get it together and this is a SMALL thing. How can you even think you're worth it? You should probably just quit."
The thing about ruts and snow drifts is that sometimes you need friends or even complete strangers with big hearts to help you out of them. I went to see a counselor again. I saw one for about a year after Krista passed away because it was good to have someone unbiased to talk to and bounce ideas off of. I feel like I am transitioning in my family. My kids are older and we are entering a "three kids and a Dad" stage, as opposed to a "two kids and a baby and a Dad" stage. My mind was having a hard time with vision for our family. I am still struggling with my weight. I struggle with other temptations that people struggle with.
Just going to see someone again, helped me to sort some strategies out, and my friends and family are helping. A total stranger, PhilipYancey, is helping just by the words he has written. I feel like the ruts are smaller and the drifts less ominous than they used to be.
I hope that you are in a place where you know that God loves you. He never wants you to think that He's just going to drop you because, "I CAN'T believe that you STILL aren't over that!"
I know some of you may not believe in God, or have a different version of God. I hope you feel loved by whoever or whatever you need to feel love from so that you are supported in this world.
I'm looking forward to spring... (metaphorically and actually)
