Krista, Quirks, Coffee, Cordless Phones, Groceries and Trust in a Marriage.

                I don’t know if you are like me, but I had a wife that didn’t like mornings.  Didn’t like, I should say HATED morning.  Each day before I went to work I would wake up and get Jaxon and Grace their cereal or toast, or oatmeal and a banana or strawberries or whatever else was the easiest, that’s why 9 times out of ten it would be a banana halved between the two of them, with some toast or cereal. While they were eating I would get the coffee going.  I would like to say that my wife was happy to see me in the morning, you know, every husband’s dream is to have his wife greet him with a, “ Good morning babe/honey/sweetheart/etc. you sure do look good today, in fact why don’t we head back to the bedroom before you go to work because I just want you so bad...”, sorry about that, that was my IDEAL daily routine dream.  The normal daily routine dream was to have her get up and say, “Have a good day babe, I love you, have a good day.”  Instead, this is what happened, I would make sure the coffee was going because perhaps the aroma would appease Krista subconsciously before I had to wake her up, then I would open the already cracked door and slowly make my way to her side of the bed...

Now I don’t think you can fully understand my predicament until you understand how much my wife loved her coffee.   Here is an account of her view of how important coffee was to her, it is from some of her writings that I found on our computer after she died when I was searching for anything I could to connect with her.  She had always wanted to write a book and this is the start of one chapter...

"The only reason I grudgingly arose and stumbled down the hallway was the aroma of the caramel flavoured coffee in my French press.   I just recently bought the press from Starbucks and I love it.  I like the way it looks sitting on my countertop with its’ little stainless steel cap and legs and I find satisfaction in depressing the plunger and squishing the coarse grounds in the bottom of the glass cylinder.  Today, similar to many mornings, the promise of coffee was the only reason I got up at all. I wake up with that same thought every morning.  Where is my coffee?  I dare say that it has become somewhat of a crutch for me.  I beg off niceties and simple manners until that first cup is settled nicely in my hand, steam wafting up toward me carrying with it the unmistakable smell of fresh-ground beans.  That first cup of coffee never loses it charm for me.  Each day I arise anew with the thought of it drifting through my mind, luring me out of a bed I might otherwise inhabit for the better part of each day.  The world seems softer, more manageable with my hands curled around the warm body of my favorite mug.  I sink into the corner of our couch, arm propped up on a cushion, so that even the effort of bringing mug to mouth is lessened.   I feel something akin to regret when I realize there is only a sip or two left in that first cup of the morning.  Nothing compares to the peace and warmth humbly offered by that first cup.  Though I tirelessly, or more accurately, naively, continue to seek out those same offerings from a second and sometimes even third cup.  My first is always unmatched.  Isn’t that true of many “firsts”.  First love, first kiss, first time, first baby.  We are consumed by “firsts.”  We keep pictures, journals, scrapbooks, mementos, and memories of our firsts, and as we age, the firsts of our children."

     See what I mean.  Do you see the peril awaiting me each morning wake up?  That first cup of coffee held A LOT of meaning obviously.  I can think of a few other friends of hers that have the same affinity for the stuff!  As I entered the room, I always started with a soft voice, “Babe...Babe...It’s time to wake up.”  When that didn’t rouse her, I would touch her shoulder and say it again, always being ready to jump back just in case.  Almost always she would jump as if I intentionally scared her and cringe away from my outstretched hand, her response being, a low mumbled, “Coffee...” or some other variation, “Did you make the coffee?”  Yes I would reply and say,  “I love you , have a good day.”  It is something that I miss dreadfully.   One of those daily things that you do for your spouse that is so engrained that it feels like something is missing each morning.  I don’t drink coffee right away and if I do, I will get a latte from Starbucks or a cup from Tim Horton’s, I don’t need it to function like Krista did.  The thing that was the most interesting about this morning ritual is that it took me about 5 or 6 years of marriage to realize something.  I can’t remember when I realized it EXACTLY , but I realized that she wasn’t grumpy or mad at me each morning, she was just mad AT morning.  My wife just liked to sleep and she felt offended each time the sun called her to wake up.  It was hilarious to come to that realization and it is one of those quirks that I miss so much. "She's not mad at me, she's mad at morning! I would laugh about this everyday. (after I realized it of course!)  Quirks.

Another one that is coming to mind right now is her inhaler.  Krista had asthma and needed two inhalers to keep her going, one was a steroid inhaler and the other was a ventalin type inhaler.  She had this frickin’ disease all her life and do you think she could remember where her inhaler was half the time?  That is a rhetorical question and I hope you caught the sarcasm.  She forgot where that thing was all the time.  It’s one of those things that annoyed the CRAP out of me for about 9 years, she would ask me, JUST before I would come to bed, “Jared, could you get me my inhaler?”  Me, “Where is it babe?” Her, “I don’t know, my purse?”, “No, maybe in the car?” On winter nights when it was freezing out the last thing I wanted to do was go to that car to get her inhaler.  Some of the guys reading this might say, “Dude, I just would have made her go get it herself, you are whipped...” or something to that effect.  I guess I could have done that, I just didn’t have it in me I guess.  The reality is, I didn’t want to tick her off just before bed. ((You know fellas, just in case something might happen...)  (Women reading this, "seriously!  Is that how men think when they come to bed?")  (Yes.))  Honestly though in the the last bit of time we had, I came to laugh at it because it was a funny quirk, it wasn't going to change and I had gotten over myself.  I just realized that it was one of those things in our relationship that was going to happen and it was part of her, and it was kind of cute by this point and not so annoying.  From talking to other friends it seems it’s this way in all marriages.  There are annoying things about your spouse.  Thing is, they are annoyed at some of the things you do to. 

 

Cordless phones.  I carry those things all around the house and when I am done a conversation, I leave them right where I finish.  Krista always put them back on the receiver.  It wasn’t a big deal until the phone rang and neither I nor Krista knew where the phone was.  Ohhhh man that would annoy her so much.  “Jared, why can’t you just put the phone on the receiver please!”  Me, “O.k., O.k. I’ll do it.”  Did I ever do it consistently? No.  That is one of my quirks.  Just like she couldn’t remember her inhaler, she never did tell me she would try and remember though, and that’s interesting...

Groceries.  I would sometimes get a short e-mail from Krista at school like this, “Could you please pick up some milk, lettuce, and tortillas for supper tonight.” I would shoot a quick one back, “sure babe, no problem, how’s your day....etc.”  Then once I had done that I would go about my day, get home after school and as I was entering the house she would be standing there looking at me with the knowing look on her face that said, “You forgot again didn’t you?”  I would look at her and there was nothing to say except, “I’ll be right back.”  I would rush out and get the short list of stuff but I felt like a tool.  Now I know that it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal when your spouse forgets something.   The thing is, I just thought that this was an annoying quirk of mine.  No BIG deal or anything.  The thing is, when you do this multiple times (I think I had a run of a few in a row, or close enough in a row that the times where I correctly completed the mission didn’t amount to a hill of beans) it shows something of yourself I think.  IF YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING, THEN DO IT.  I am talking to both MEN AND WOMEN here!  When you don't do what you say you will do, THIS IS NOT A QUIRK, this is a breach of trust.  Some of you might be thinking, whoa, this guy is pretty intense about forgetting groceries.  Let me explain what I mean.

Obviously there are times where things won’t work out like you think and you won't be able to do what you said you would even though you tried your best. It is important that your spouse recognizes this and forgiveness comes in, but sometimes, when patterns of not completing the things you say you will do begin to arise, you have shown your spouse that you don’t live up to your word and can’t be trusted.  It starts with "small things".  When you can’t remember to pick up groceries WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL, you may not think it’s a big deal, but it means a lot in the way of undermining trust.  Those "small things" have an interesting way of building up into resentment that can drift into many thoughts.

What I am getting at is this, be honest with what you can do for your spouse.  Don’t say you will do something when you know in the back of your mind that you might get to it, but , you aren’t quite sure.  Just TELL THEM that you probably won’t get to it.  Krista used to use this phrase at times, “Don’t overpromise and under deliver.”  That would annoy me because she did it too, but really, we both did it at times.  Trust is so important, once patterns of misunderstanding develop it’s hard not to let trust get undermined when you start discussing the big things in life.  Again, I really think it’s important to set roles and responsibilities in your marriage or relationship that are realistic.  If you can’t be real with your spouse, and are constantly overpromising and under delivering, you are going to have a problem on your hands.   I can tell you that we worked on that, we really did, and I started to feel more confident about what she and I were both expecting so there were no false promises.  I really started to evaluate what I could do, and let her know, instead of getting her hopes up only to fall short.  It was a good thing in our marriage to work that out.  I hope that if you are in a rough spot in your marriage right now, that you can have objective, honest conversations that can get you back on track.  They are not easy, and you may or may not feel like a million bucks after, but I think they are important.  I hope you get the fact that I wasn't perfect,  and don't feel like I know everything,  but just before she passed away I saw some of the benefits of talking about this stuff, you know, how it positively affected my marriage.

Summary:

1.      1.  Each of you has quirks, figure out which ones are actually endearing because they are so ridiculous and unique (and therefore you just need to suck it up when you are annoyed because that is just your spouse, and if you had a different spouse, you would get new annoying quirks.  The grass is not greener...)

2.      2.   Telling someone you will do something, is asking them to trust you.  Just not in those words.  Don’t breach their trust by over promising and under delivering.  I am not saying that if your spouse forgets something every now and then, that you should just lambaste them and call them untrustworthy either.  Forgiveness needs it’s place as well.  It’s when you can tell that your pattern of screw-ups is hurting your spouse.  Whether you think it is a big deal or not, if you said you will do something and you don’t and it hurts your spouse, OWN IT and STOP doing it.

3.       3.  Everyone screws up from time to time, evaluate what battles need to be fought, talk about them, truly listen to the other person.  Don’t brew up arguments against them while they are speaking, just waiting for your moment to let loose your come back argument.  Listen.  They are speaking, that should be important to you.  They should also be listening to you, it should be important to them.  If you don’t think it is, then that is a different issue.  Look after what you can do first though, don’t just look for their negatives.

 

I would do anything to hear her get mad that it’s morning.  I would do anything to go get that frickin’ inhaler from the frickin’ car I can tell you that.  Just thinking about it makes me cry and makes me think about going outside just to freeze a bit, just to relive it, in fact, it's just the right temperature....I’ll talk to you later...