I Will Never Have It Totally Together (neither will you) And That's O.K.

In Canada, sometimes it snows a lot and when a bunch falls at one time there can be some pretty big ruts and snowdrifts (huge piles of snow blown into place by the wind) that form on the roads...

It's been awhile.  I haven't been myself for some time.

It's strange when you know you aren't yourself, but can't seem to put a finger on it, and then just get so far into that rut that even if you turn the wheels on your life to get out, you just random around a bit (my version of what it looks like when you see someone try and turn out of a rut and their car shakes all over the place) and then fall back in.  The ruts run too deep it seems sometimes, and you just look like a horrible driver. You feel like a horrible driver too.

Other drivers look and say, oh man, that guy has a rut problem.  Sometimes getting in the wrong ruts can lead you right into a snowdrift.

I was probably a combination of the two for most of this year till recently.  Got stuck in a rut in life, then tried to get out, randomed around with seeming excitement, then fell back in.  Then rammed into a snow drift.

All of us have things in our lives that we are sure we can get over if we just try hard enough, and once we gain some steam it's great.  I am an 'all or none' type guy.  I can start something and I work at it, but if I fail, it's like all the work I put in is for nothing.  Then I just get all down on myself and act in ways that destroy the good things I have worked for.  It's a ridiculous and illogical way to think, and I like to think I think logically at least some of the time, but this gets me more often than not.  Weird.

I was reading a book by Philip Yancey (who is gold) called "What Good is God?" I like Yancey because he's not all fluffy with Christianese (my term for classic Christian phrases and all that type of jazz) and he questions stuff, but then delves into his questions and comes out on the other side with conclusions that don't always tie everything up in a nice little bow, but point toward good plausible thoughts.  One of the chapters in his book discusses Alcoholics Anonymous.  AA is a support group that is available for alcoholics that gives support all day and night and the people in it are all fighting for the same major purpose, to help people stop drinking.  This happens in steps and through the community of people involved.

One of his alcoholic friends said something to the effect of, "I bet if I went to an AA meeting and told the group I had killed someone, their first question would be, "O.k., but did you drink?""  Obviously this is a bit of an exaggeration, but the point of it was that these people don't care what you come in with, they are there for you.  They will never stop being there for you in your time of temptation to drink.  They never see someone come back to a meeting and say, "Thanks for coming, but are you really still dealing with that alcohol thing?  Haven't you moved past that yet?  Sheesh, you've been coming here for years and we're still talking about alcohol?"  The point is that no one in AA is ever "free" from alcohol, they are will always be recovering alcoholics, and if they keep this in mind, they don't get cocky.  Everyday they make a choice not to drink.

This struck me as an interesting angle on my own life.  I am sure that you, like me, struggle with some things in life that you have been trying to change, but have never been able to make it fully stick.  When you don't make its stick, you get all guilt ridden and wonder, "Why can't I just get over this?"  That's what I do anyway.  After I read this I realized that just because I'm not an alcoholic doesn't mean that I don't have "alcoholic like" patterns in my life.  For me, the realization that I may never "be past it", was an epiphany for me.

As a former athlete (I'm trying to get back to some semblance of one) I had goals.  I have set goals and reached them.  I have also set goals and failed.  Our society heaps praise on those who do whatever it takes to reach their goals.  "I'm not going to let anything stand in my way of reaching my goal!" (USA! USA! USA!)  We are inundated with stories of people who have achieved things in spite of overwhelming circumstances.  I'm not saying these stories are bad, they can be very inspirational, but I don't think they are the norm.  They also don't make good movies.  I can just see it, "Hey, here's an idea, let's do a movie about a sports team that really wants to succeed, but they don't because they lack talent, resources and the will to achieve their goals."  or "Hey, let's make a movie about someone who is overweight and NEVER figures out how to get past it because they are entering a guilt cycle.  Oh man that's a blockbuster!"

I guess what I am trying to say is that we're a lot more like alcoholics than people that movies are written about.  I actually think that the day to day praying and continually bringing our problems to God is more like an AA meeting than a triumphant closing scene.  He always wants us to come back, and He will never say, "Really Jared?  You're still dealing with that?  You know, I was pretty close to not loving you anymore, but I suppose I'll give you another try, just don't disappoint me O.K.?" (looks down His nose at you while waving disapproving pointing finger in your direction)

I think God ALWAYS wants us to come back.  I think He is probably confused as to why I would think I should feel the guilt that goes past the, "Oh crap I shouldn't have done that. Well, let's keep moving forward." healthy understanding type guilt.  He probably is wondering why I think in this way, "Oh crap I shouldn't have done that. I'm a stupid idiot.  How could you think that He would use you now.  I mean you can't even get it together and this is a SMALL thing.  How can you even  think you're worth it?  You should probably just quit."

The thing about ruts and snow drifts is that sometimes you need friends or even complete strangers with big hearts to help you out of them.  I went to see a counselor again.  I saw one for about a year after Krista passed away because it was good to have someone unbiased to talk to and bounce ideas off of.  I feel like I am transitioning in my family.  My kids are older and we are entering a "three kids and a Dad" stage, as opposed to a "two kids and a baby and a Dad" stage.  My mind was having a hard time with vision for our family.  I am still struggling with my weight.  I struggle with other temptations that people struggle with.

Just going to see someone again, helped me to sort some strategies out, and my friends and family are helping.  A total stranger, PhilipYancey, is helping just by the words he has written.  I feel like the ruts are smaller and the drifts less ominous than they used to be.

I hope that you are in a place where you know that God loves you.  He never wants you to think that He's just going to drop you because, "I CAN'T believe that you STILL aren't over that!"

  I know some of you may not believe in God, or have a different version of God.  I hope you feel loved by whoever  or whatever you need to feel love from so that you are supported in this world.

I'm looking forward to spring... (metaphorically and actually)

4 Years

     My friend Tracey is amazing.  She completed an Ironman triathlon recently, and I don't know if you know how crazy it is, but it's crazy.  The Ironman distances are as follows: 2.4-mile (3.86 km) swim, a 112-mile (180.25 km) bike and a marathon 26.2-mile (42.2 km) run, in that order.  In a row.  People actually choose to do this.  Tracey is one of these, and I am amazed, truly amazed at this feat.  Her husband Matt is gold, and he does triathlons as well, they have three kids and Trace is my age. (well slightly older, but who's counting...)

     She finished in a time of 11:41:08.  11 hours, 41 minutes and 8 seconds. (I thought she could have got 11:41:07, but she probably dogged it that last bit, so lazy...)  After her race I sent her a congratulations and we were texting back and forth and I was wondering how the heck you do something like this, not just physically, but mentally.  She sent me this,

     "I give a lot of credit to my coach, she really taught me how to break it down and make it manageable.  If you think too much about how big the goal is you can freak yourself out.  The marathon is one of the biggest tests ever because you're already so tired. I had stomach pains the whole time manifesting from the race. Julie gave me the tools to know what to do when problems like that came up so I could get through and it worked.  Everything is possible!!!"

     Hmmm. It was such an encouragement to me to read this.  Not because I figure I am going to go compete in an Ironman any time soon, but because of the slap in the face practical lesson this was to me.

     Today, it has been 4 years since my wife Krista passed away just 4 days after giving birth to our third child, my daughter Sophie.  4 years.  I was visiting with some friends tonight, Ash and Dave, who are basically family, and Soph came outside to ask something. (We were visiting while the kids were watching "Super Buddies", yet another installment in the talking dog genre of Disney films, the kids liked it, maybe yours will, Anyway back to the matter at hand...)  When Soph came out and then went back inside, it was impossible not to think about Krista's funeral because Ash and Dave took care of Soph the whole day that day. 4 (minus a couple days) years ago.  They are awesome people, they were such a huge help and it allowed me to be fully present mentally and physically so I could deal with the multitude of thoughts and emotions and jobs that needed to be done on that day.  I didn't have to worry about Soph on the day of the funeral because they just took care of it.

   They live out of town and we see each other once or twice a year, so when they see Soph, and when I see them see Soph, it's amazing to be confronted with the reality of how much time has passed.  It's like time can be measured in actual visual units when you see the growth in a kid in visits that are separated by large amounts of time.  It's happened to all of us, seeing the change in someone you don't see often makes you reflect on your own life, thinking back to the last time you saw that person, then realizing just many ticks have come off the clock.

     Change sometimes comes slowly and sometimes quickly, but it always comes.  Often when it is slow we are dissatisfied and want it to pick up the pace. "The Devil Wears Prada" was a movie Krista and I laughed at together, and the sarcastic line, "By all means, move at a glacial pace..." comes to mind.  Sometimes we just want change right away.

     Sometimes we want change to slow down.  Sometimes I want my kids to grow up more quickly because then I will have more freedom and not have to do the busywork of parenting younger children.  But in those moments when everyone is still, we are all snuggling on the couch, and Jax, Grace, or Soph, whisper to me, "I love you Dad." Or Grace and Soph say, "Can I sit on your knee.", or "Can you tickle me?", well those are the times I want change to slow right down to a stop.

   I have had change. You have had change.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes it's the greatest thing ever.

   I went to a wedding this summer involving two former students of mine, Katie and Nathan.  It was a beautiful wedding.  I love weddings, I really do.  I love watching the bride walk down the aisle, and the love in the groom's eyes as he focuses on her.  I love the excitement in the groomsmen and bridesmaids.  I love the trepidation/confidence happening at the same time in the two sets of parents.  I just love the idea of love.  I had been thinking about my own life and what that love of love holds for me.  Going to their wedding reminded me a lot of my own wedding day.  Krista and I wanted to make it a God focused day.  We had worship music, scripture and prayer as centerpieces to our wedding.  We just wanted it that way.  Katie and Nate had the same thing.  It was a wedding that just felt right.  It was fun, but the gravity of the commitment was not diminished.  It had a very large impact on me.

     Their wedding sent a rush of memories and emotions through me.  Lamenting the loss of Krista, taking joy in the good memories.  Man, there were a lot of thoughts going on. While I was observing their ceremony, one thing I realized was that I wanted that again.  I really do want to love someone again, and be able to care for them, and be cared for.  I have no idea how that would manifest itself, but the thought is there.

   More importantly,  it also made me sure that I want what I saw and felt at Katie and Nate's wedding.  I want the same level of a commitment to God than those two had, which reminded me of the main core of beliefs that Krista and I shared.  I won't change that to be in a relationship, if a relationship opportunity happens for me again.  I think the core values of two people are very important to evaluate when considering a serious relationship or marriage.  I may have a great time with someone, but when major decisions have to be made, if the core of each of you beliefs is significantly different, it's probably going to a little tougher to navigate those decisions.   Jesus Christ is the main source of hope for me.  I don't have all the answers to all the questions people have about the nuances of the Christian faith.  There are many ways people live it out, which is both a strength and a weakness.  The Christian church is made up of people, which have rubbed many others the wrong way and done its fair share of damage in the world in the name of Christ.  I don't like that.  But just because it hasn't always been carried out the way it probably should have been (that's up for debate too) it doesn't mean it's totally wrong.  Many different faiths have made mistakes in the way they present and carry themselves in the world as well.  Atheists too.

    What I'm trying to say is that we all live for something, we all make choices on how we will live.  Choices on how we try to bring good into this life.  I choose Jesus.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, some of you may disagree with my choice in Christ.  I may disagree with yours.  I guess that's part of life, learning how to bring good into it, even though we may not agree on some issues.

   Tracey completed an Ironman. She was only able to do it because her coach helped her to break the huge race into small, manageable goals.  She was also given techniques to deal with the problems she would face so that she could finish the race.

    Isn't that how we all need to approach life?  I'll tell you, her message to me gave me clarity.  It reminded me not to look at the whole future in front of my kids and I and wonder, "How am I supposed to deal with this life?  It's too much and there are too many variables!"  Small manageable goals.  Don't focus on the whole thing or you will freak out.  I feel like I have had a lot of good coaches in life.  Jesus is a version of a coach to me, (even though it PAINS me to say that because it's like I'm closing off a massively cheesy sermon with one of the greatest cliches in Christian preaching...) But dang it, it's true. Praying is giving up the things I can't handle to someone who can. I know that sometimes prayer does not always give tangible answers that you can see, but sometimes it does.  (There are whole books on prayer, so if you want to talk about it more, just e-mail me and I can let you know some of them, because I can't come even close to talking about that huge subject in a blog post that you have already probably stopped reading...)

    I hope if you are going through a crisis, that you can break things down into some small goals that can get you through the insanity.    

    Life without Krista has been hard, but it has still had goodness in it.  My kids are loved and are doing well in life and in school. They know they have purpose.  They love others. We love each other.  Krista would be so proud of them, and I think she would be proud of me too.

I still hurt, but it's different.  It's changing.  It all changes.  Keep up your race, you will finish. Persevere.  I also want to again thank all of the people around our family that have been coaches and teammates on this journey.  My kids and I could not do about a million things that we get to do without all of you.  Thank you.

James 1:4 - Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

P.S. - Tracey, thanks for all your training and endless hard work so that you could complete an Ironman just to teach me a lesson about my life.  You really didn't have to do it just for lil' old me, but I sure do appreciate it.
    

Fear and Self-Loathing in Las Lethbridge

If you have not watched "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", I'm not going to say it's a "must see" but it's definitely a cult classic.  The first time I watched it was after I had been teaching a class where we had been discussing various drugs and their effects and some of the kids commented on how that film is especially crazy if you are high.  Oh man the movie is absolutely mental, (no, I wasn't high, maybe I should have been to get the full meaning...) Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro are just cracked out on all kinds of drugs and throughout the film you are trying to figure out what the heck is going on.  That's how I feel sometimes, except I'm not on a bunch of drugs, I just feel like there is a whole bunch of jazz going on around me and I sometimes get this surreal feeling about how it's so weird that I even exist and am in this story.  What is my role in this story?  What is going on here?  Why did I wake up in Vegas and not know what happened, but my room is completely trashed and I have a HUGE room service bill? (That last one there has never happened to me, it happened to Depp in the movie, just checking if you are still reading...)
    
The title of this entry is for a purpose.  I don't know if you have ever felt like this, but I feel a bit all-over-the-show. (thanks Brett Allison for that great phrase that I have adopted as my own ever since I heard you say it...) I am not sure if it's because it is the end of summer and it's time to get back to teaching, or if it's just this nebulous feeling everyone gets at different points in their life.  "All-over-the-show" of course means "All-over-the-place", and it describes my brain lately. 

     If you have ever read anything from my blog before, you probably know that I like to think about things.  I have that feeling again that sometimes I think about things so much that I don't get to the action stage.  It's like I am afraid to make a mistake and so I think about it some more and then the time in which it was required to make a decision has passed and then I feel like I am floating through life in this uneasy, never-making-a-decision malaise.  I still enjoy life, but deep down I feel like I have let myself down because I didn't just go with my gut.  Often my gut is right.  But, I seem to question my gut all the time lately.

     I think it's important to not just impulsively act on all things, but I envy people who seem to just make good decisions after a short assessment of the question at hand.  I envy that they stick with their gut and I don't know if it's the confidence with which they make the decision or i  People who don't care what other people, or even their self-doubt thinks about the decision they made because, "Guess what, I'm making this decision, it's likely going to be right for my situation, so SCREW YOU self loathing and doubt..."  I don't know that that sentence actually passes through those people's minds but that's how I interpret what I think they think, and then I loathe that I am not more like that.
 
     I take had a great talk with an old friend I had a chance to visit with in Vancouver this summer.  I was out visiting my sister-in-law Jill (who pretty much rules) and her boyfriend Corey. (who is a great chap!(he's not British, so I don't know why I used chap, anyway, back at the ranch...) Beth (Krista's mom) was watching the kids for me (thanks Beth!) so that I could go hang out and chill without having to parent for a weekend.  While I was there, I had a chance to have dinner with my friend Angela.  She's one of those friends that even when you haven't seen each other for a long time and there is a lot to catch up on, you just feel like you pick up where you left off, and it's a great time.  She also is a friend who "says it like it is" and doesn't have time for beating around the bush, a trait that I appreciate.  We were talking and she was reminding me of what she appreciated about me as a friend way back in the day ('94ish to be more to the point).  It was such an encouragement to me because as she talked, she reminded me about some of the things I know I was good at as a human.  Traits that I know I like about myself, but have kind of taken them for granted, and then forgotten about them.  It's been a while since I felt like I have truly been on top of my game as a human.  When Angela talked it's like she spoke some truth into my soul that needed to be dug up and brought back into the light.  She reminded me of a time where I felt like I was on top of my game in life, but she also reminded me that I hadn't lost all that.  I was so happy that in the midst of my already awesome time with my sister-in-law that I also received a bit of a truth slap from a good friend that was perfectly timed.  Usually slaps aren't associated with good, but this one was, because it knocked some sense into me about me.  I thank God for that slap.

     Look, I think all of us need a slap like that from time to time, and I think we need to listen to the people closest to us, as well as long time friends.  What's strange is that I truly believe the best about everyone around me, but I don't give myself the chance to believe in myself.  In what God has made me.

      I hope that you can start the fall with the understanding that you have some great things about you.  You aren't perfect, neither am I, but dang it, we're special!  Hahaha, I tell my student's that lame phrase, but I really believe it.  I just have to start believing it about myself more than I have done.  Self-loathing sucks.  Let's all agree not to do that anymore.

A Different Way To Do Presents for Your Kid's Birthday

If you have kids in elementary school, especially from Kindergarten to grade 3, it's likely that you have ventured into the world of seemingly incessant birthday parties. If you don't have kids yet, once you do, you can plan on entering into this world during this age.  Usually the parties kind of slow down in the upper elementary years, mostly because I think the parents realize they can't maintain the pace, or the cost. I like birthday parties, I have fun throwing them for my kids, and they enjoy going to and hosting their own.  

My friends held a party and instead of getting invited guests to bring presents for their daughter, the gift was two toonies.  (Toonies for my non-Canadian friends are two dollar coins)  One toonie was designated for the birthday girl and one was for a charity of her daughter's choosing.  I thought this was a GREAT idea.

I adopted this format for my kid's parties and haven't held a "presents" party yet.  I feel like my kids get more than enough, and I never wanted them to associate their birthday with gifts from their friends.  I hope that one of the things that my kids learn from this style of party is that it's cool to get gifts but it's cool to share with others as well.  In the end, I hope that they look forward to a time of celebration with friends and that the presents are just a small part of the good time. I really don't think they are rattled by not getting presents, this is just what we do.  Jaxon and Grace have asked if they can have a "presents" party, but I explain the concept of why we are doing what we do, and there has not been complaining.  I buy them a gift I know they will enjoy, I don't just Scrooge them.  They just don't get the avalanche of presents from buddies.

On another note, when my friends have had these types of parties for their kids, I appreciate not having to dish out another $10-$20 for another present for yet another party.  

I understand that some of you may think this two toonie thing is absurd, and that kids getting presents is a rite of passage.  Maybe you feel like I'm robbing my kids of their childhood.  I don't agree.  

Kids know what you teach them.  Yes they learn from friends and observing society around them, and from other influential adults, but I think that in those young years they still compare what they see in the world to how you live.  To your example.  What you emphasize as a parent plays a HUGE role in how kids filter the various pressures and influences around them, especially when they are young.  (That is such a distressing thought because I know there are so many ways in which I don't show a good example.)  Am I saying that you are creating selfish children by hosting a party where they get gifts.  No.  If I'm being honest though, I do think that it is important to do charity work, volunteer, and sacrifice.  As long as I'm being honest, I know that I could do a whole lot more of it.  

I read a book called "Radical" by David Platt, and it really, REALLY challenged me.  It is a Christian book, so if you aren't into that you may find it preachy.  Heck, even if you call yourself a Christian, you will likely find it preachy.  It really got me thinking and made me realized that I hadn't really been involved in helping people who are down and out other than donating money.  I hadn't really felt so convicted about this before.  I then thought, if my kids are exposed to the homeless, to the down and out, and are taught ways to open their heart to help, this would just be "what we do", and they wouldn't have to have the epiphany that I had.  It would already be part of them.  The kids and I were making sandwiches for the homeless shelter about once every two months, but I have slowly let this slide.  Our family is busy, just like many of your families, or just like you (if you are single).  I just realized as I write this that I need to step back up to the plate with this commitment.  I hope I haven't sounded preachy, because I am realizing the same things about myself when I write a blog post.

So it's not all about presents.  I understand that there are many people out there that come from all kinds of different socioeconomic situations.  There are probably a ton of different ways that parents do parties and to give,  I just thought I would share the way we do it. Share and also remind myself not to get lazy in this area. Few things annoy me more than spoiled punks. I don't want my kids to be like that, and I don't want to become one either...

Happy Mother's Day - Honestly!

Do you know someone who is always depressed with their life?  I'm not talking about someone who is legitimately getting help for depression. (That is FAR from what I am talking about here!)  I am talking about someone who has a lot of good things going for them, and have no actual need for a proper prescription because the brain chemistry needs some legit medical aid.  Someone who, even though things are great, constantly focus on the stuff that's not quite right.  You're having a good day and talking to them about something, and no matter what you do, that person turns the conversation sideways.  Like the hilarious SNL skit "Debbie Downer";
http://vimeo.com/25898

Well I am writing a blog on Mother's Day and I am NOT writing something to be a "Debbie Downer." Like, "Happy Mother's Day, but not for me..." (insert horn noise here)  I am not trying to bring you down on your Mother's Day!  So I don't think this will be depressing, but if you are worried about me ruining your day then I don't mind if you stop reading...

Today has been a hard day for me the past 3 years, but this year hurts less than last.  We don't go to church on Mother's Day Sunday.  You know, if the kids make a craft in Sunday School for their mothers or if the sermon is about mothers or whatever.  Just not necessarily something I want to deal with, even though the kids are fine doing these things in school and hearing about it and all that jazz.  We just do our own thing.

Today, we went and got smoothies, then we went to the grave site.  I asked the kids if they wanted to go, and Jax said, "No, it makes me cry" and Grace said, "Yes!" and Soph didn't say anything. (she was sucking on a strawberry/banana smoothie...)  I told Jax he didn't have to get out if he didn't want to, but we were going.  When we got there, we all got out (Jax included, without any prompting from me) and we made our way to Krista's spot.  The kids were not rattled this time.  They asked a lot of questions, about the headstones, about whether she was in the ground, about all kinds of stuff.  The just asked questions.   I answered them as best as I could and it was a really good talk. It felt peaceful.

We talked about the quote from C.S. Lewis that is on her headstone, "If I find in myself a desire which nothing on this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was meant for another world."  That it means that even if we have everything we think we could possibly want, that it is likely that we still would be unfulfilled.  A lack of something deeper. Something spiritual.

Jax said something to the effect of, "I don't understand death, it's so annoying!"  He said it in a tone that was more like he meant to say, "frustrating" instead of annoying.  We talked about how it is strange that everything on earth dies.  Everyone of us must die.  I made the analogy that everyone gets a skinned knee at some point in their lives, and everyone is o.k. with it.  It hurts and all that, but when our kid skins their knee our heart doesn't break.  We know their pain, but we are not overwhelmed because we know it will get better.

The only thing that truly happens to each of us that is born is that we will die.  We KNOW this.  Nobody is o.k. with it.  Well, nobody that is my age that I know is o.k. with it.  Nobody I know is ready for it except elderly people, or people who come to terms with some disease, or something like that.  Krista's 94 year old grandma and I were talking and she said, "I'm ready to go when He takes me." She is in pretty good shape and is hilarious, witty, lady.  She is not in a bed in a hospital room.  Somehow, she has come to terms with her mortality and I am always amazed by that.  How do you get there.

I don't think we are o.k. with it because we think we can beat it.  I know we know that we can't beat it, but dang it if we don't try to beat it for as long as we can.  It becomes a bit of a mission for us. I'm not saying we shouldn't live healthy or do our best to be safe or any of that, it's just interesting to me that we don't think it should happen to us.  It's like we are owed something just because we have life.  I am sure self-entitled North Americans are probably the worst for this.

I was having lunch one day with my friend and he was telling me about a Christian scholar that he had talked to about death who said something to the effect of, "Even though every single one of us knows we are going to die, it is the one thing that hurts, that we can't understand or wrap our head around.  It's evidence that there is more to "life" than just our biology, than this physical world." I'm paraphrasing to be sure, but you get the point.  If death is so prevalent, why don't we just accept it as a part of "It is what it is...".

I think there is more to your life than just your cells. I think there is a spiritual aspect to each of us.  I told my kids this today, and by their responses, it seemed that they got it. In whatever way kids get the deepness of life, which sometimes I think they get better than us adults.  I hope you explore your need for the spiritual side of life.  It is important.

We had a good day today, a real day.  A time of talking about life and death.  One of those talks where, as you are speaking, you realize, "This is a deep, and special conversation that I am going to remember." Another opportunity for me to share with them about how much their mom loved them.  And a slightly lesser time explaining that the 3 foot tall bronze boot on a person's tombstone probably meant that they were a cowboy. (along with combines meaning they were probably farmers, and pictures of the Mormon temple meaning that they were likely Mormons...)

We went to the park after this talk in the cemetery and played.  The kids had a blast with their family today, and had a great Mother's Day.  We laughed and talked about some big questions. It was a good day.  I was able to honor my mom too. (She is absolute gold by the way.)

If you have lost your mom, I am so sorry for your loss.  Maybe you feel like a fish out of water on Mother's Day like I do, maybe not.  If it brings you encouragement, I prayed for you today, it's not cool to feel alone, so I am letting you know you're not.  I sincerely wish every mom out there a Happy Mother's Day!  Mom's deserve so much more than one day it is ridiculous, but that's another blog post....

The Magical Hot Tub Symbol (Not literal magic of course...)

       I feel good right now.  I feel better mentally (and physically) than I have in about a year.  This year was a tough year for some reason.  It just felt off.  I had a good time with my kids and friends and family, but something was unsettled in my soul or something.  Like I had restless legs for my soul that couldn’t figure out where to go.  The thing is I didn’t want to GO anywhere, I just had no idea why I was feeling so “Meh.”   

       I went on an  AIA(Athletes In Action) basketball tour to India and Thailand when I was in university and I met one of the great humans of our time and we have kept in touch throughout the years.  I feel lucky to say that I have a few friends like this, ones that you may not talk to for a year or so, but when you get a chance to hang out, it’s like everything is exactly like you left it.  This guy is Jeff Sharma, and he sent me an e-mail the other day asking me how I was doing, (he had done a video for my classroom, and noticed I wasn’t on Facebook anymore (man I needed a break from that)) just making sure things were alright.  I’ll paraphrase some of the thoughts (and a couple extras) that I sent Sharms in that e-mail (and they are in no particular order) :

1.  I was honest with myself and God that I want to love someone again.

-     I  felt guilty saying that for awhile because it was hard for me to admit.  I somehow wanted to prove to myself that I was doing the right thing by denying myself the right to even think about it because it felt selfish to me.  It’s like I thought I wasn’t trusting God enough if I wasn’t fully satisfied with everything in my life just as is.  When in reality, holding on to the hopes of my heart instead of talking with God about them is actually more of a show of non-trust than just being honest with Him in the first place.  (You ever do that to yourself?) Truly letting that cat out of the bag with God was freeing.  In fact, once I was honest about it, I was way less anxious about the whole thing, and it's not something I am rattled about.

2.  I bought a hot tub. 

-     It’s not just because I have wanted a hot tub my whole life, that buying it is exciting.  Making the decision was highly symbolic for me as well.  It was the first major financial purchase that I have made that was not something that Krista and I had already discussed.  Like, we had planned to do Renos to our house before she passed away, so I carried those out because it was the right thing. We had planned to buy a van before she passed away and I carried that out.  Since then though, I have not made a big, family fun/family product/”What is something that our family does?” type decision outside the realm of what we would have done as a couple, and making this purchase felt right for my kids and I.  It was something that I didn’t ask, “What would we be doing if Krista was here right now” because it wasn’t ever really something we talked about.

      Sidenote: (Some of you may think, “Wow, he is making a pretty big philosophical connection with a material thing.  He shouldn’t be so concerned about material things. He could have sponsored some more sponsor children, or done more for the homeless with the money he spent on that hot tub.”  Look, I have thought about all that a lot, and I still felt like I wanted to buy it. Do I feel a bit guilty about it? Yes, but I think it will be a good investment for family time and my muscles, so Back UP OFF ME.) 

3.  I got my bills/budget/office/house spring cleaned the way I need it. 

-     My life has changed and I need things organized in a way that works for my kids and I now.  “Now” is the key.  Soph is out of diapers, out of Pull-ups at night, out of all kinds of baby-stuff like that (has been for a bit now).  We are entering a new stage of family.  The “three kids stage”, not “two kids and a baby stage”.  The house needed to get into a place where I felt comfortable with everything organized in a way that made sense for our family now. 

4.  I am changing pictures around the house. 

-     I loved the “family life” pictures that Krista had put in the frames in the house.  They just felt right, they were placed in the right spots and were really indicative of that time in our life.  I had left them all mostly up, but in the last month  I started to change them, replacing old ones that don’t contain Soph and just had Jaxon, Grace, Krista and I in them.  I thought I needed to do that for Soph. (but it is truly for all of us) Our family pictures should be our family pictures now.  Obviously I still have some pictures with Krista and Soph and Jax and Grace up, I am not trying to eliminate our history or diminish her, but the reality is that Soph is part of our family and there were a ton of pictures up without her in them.  I need to show the kids the importance of Krista, but also the importance of us now, and how we are still a loving family without her here.   It was time.

5.   I have had a true change of perspective in how I will make decisions.

-     Since Krista passed away, I hadn’t always made decisions by saying, “If Krista was here, what would she do?” but I realized that this thought was in my head more than I wanted to admit.  I only realized this when I bought the hot tub without any thought as to what Krista would think.  (I’ve thought about it since, but only as a pondering-type thing, not as an aid in making the decision) It made me realize that I had been stressing myself out at times, wanting to make decisions that she would have thought were good.  I think every husband likes to hear his wife say, “Good job.” From time to time.  I made decisions that would allow me to imagine her probably thinking “Good job, Jared.”  The thing is, I am really just making that stuff up now. I realized that I probably wouldn’t know what Krista would have thought about many things that I am now making decisions on now because I have no precedent that can truly transfer from then to now.

  

        Fewer and fewer things now are going to be “Krista would have done it this way, so I will do that” related.  I realize God gave me Krista in my life so that she could make me a better man in many aspects.  I need to realize that those things will never go away. They will always be a part of me.  I also need to remember that I have strengths that made her a better woman.  I have faults, just like everyone else, and they need work, but I need to trust that God has equipped me with what I need to make decisions moving forward.  Trying to think about specifics about what Krista would have wanted is an exercise in fantasy.  I just can’t know those specifics, but the good things that Krista and I both wanted for our family did not disappear with her, because she is part of me.  I’m here, therefore she is here, if you get my meaning.  And that is a very encouraging thought.  Just a slight tweak on what  I had been thinking  has seemed to free my mind.  It just takes one twist of a key to open a lock and free someone from prison.  Just a little twist.  Sometimes finding that frickin’ key just about makes you lose your mind though...

        I was sharing these thoughts with my friend Rich the other night and he said (and I am paraphrasing), “Everyone has their own timing on when they feel like they are entering the next stage after a loss.  You’re not “Jared, the guy who lost his wife” anymore, you’re “Jared.”  He meant it as an encouragement, and I think he is right.  Krista was and is still important to who my family is.  She will always be, but it feels different now, in a good way.  It’s like I can let her memory rest as it should be, for who she was, not how I think she would have been.  The kids will know her for what she was, and how much she loved them, but they will also be able to move forward so that Jax, Grace, Sophie and I can love each other fully as a family for who we are now.  I am excited to see how that love grows in our family.  I am truly looking forward to the future, and it’s been a while since I could say that.  

Lord I pray that you would guide our family, and when hard times come, that I would remember what you have given me.  I thank you for family and friends. Be with those in hard times right now, and give them peace in whatever way you can.  Amen.

To be honest, I'm a little rattled.

It's been a long time since I have written one of these.

Hmmm.

I'm sitting in a restaurant, my mother-in-law is watching the kids for me and I feel like writing something uplifting but can't seem to muster what it takes.  I haven't seemingly been able to muster what it takes for a bit now.  The people sitting around me in the restaurant are annoying me with their jabbering and laughing, and I am really feeling like a tool for even thinking like that.

This past fall/winter/earlyearlyspring has been weird for my brain and I'm pretty sure I know why.

Things are different.

For those of you who read this thing from time to time, you will know that I have commented about my thinking about how much time has passed since Krista passed.  Before she died I knew people who lost someone important to them and they would say things like, "I lost dad/mom/brother/sister/friend X# of years ago." with this "just-happened yesterday" kind of tone.  I felt bad for them, I genuinely did, but I didn't understand how they could still feel like it was just yesterday.  I actually secretly wondered why they hadn't been able to let it go.  How could they still hurt after that many years?  I am admitting this because a lot of people think they are very smart about things they have no frickin' clue about until they go through something like it. I am like that sometimes.  I'm such a know-it-all sometimes.  That's why I write a blog, so that I can impart my wisdom to the masses.  That sentence just before this was a joke.  It wasn't very good.

I am the guy who talks sometimes as though he just lost his wife yesterday.  I am the guy who has that tone.  The tone I talked about not understanding.  Everyone's lives have moved forward 3.5 years, including my kids, and I feel like I have moved forward too, but I just got stuck in a snowdrift and no matter how many times I try to rock myself out of the drift, I just keep spinning out and the drift keeps piling up around me.  I've had lots of people come and help me, lots of digging out, lots of pushing, then I move, I get going and move ahead only to seemingly hit another drift.  It's a good drive for awhile and then I just stop driving for some reason.  It's like I'm just content not to move, even though I know for a fact it's not in my best interest because it takes more work to get out of a drift the longer you let it pile up around you.

Don't worry, I'm done with the snow drift metaphor.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my job, and I love my kids (even though I lose my patience with them from time to time.  I am financially stable.  I have friends and family who care about me.  Pretty much, I just realized as I wrote that last sentence that I should probably just shut my mouth, or stop typing because truly, I am a spoiled punk.  I think it's probably apparent to many of you at this point that my real issue is that I sometimes have a hard time trusting myself and actually believing that I have something to offer the world.

I know I have a place, on this place.  I tell other people who are sorting stuff out in their lives that they have a purpose, I truly believe it, about them.  I believe that they will get out of their funk.  I honestly believe that they have gifts and talents and abilities that were gifted to them by God.  I don't know if you are like me, but as much as I love to encourage and believe in others, I am that much discouraged in my own ability to make things happen that I know I want to in my own life.  (Why the heck is the lady at the table across from me talking SO loud?)

Paul says it like this in Romans 7:15 - "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do." Yep.

One example.  My body.  I started this blog in January last year by saying that I was going to lose 50lbs by summer.  Last summer.  Summer 2012.  It's not 2012, it's almost summer 2013 and I weigh more than I did back then.  This is not a plea for ideas from people to help me work out and help me figure out my diet.  I understand perfectly what I should do, but what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do.  I just haven't moved forward in this area of my life.  I languish in my own poor decisions and then dislike myself more and more each time I can't prove to myself that I can make a good choice.  This is up to me to change.  No one is going to force me to do anything.  If they tried, I would likely let them know real quick that I don't want their help.  I want to do this on my own, but hate that I can't consistently honour my own wishes.  What is up with that?  It's me, asking me to do something good for myself.  You'd think that when you talk to yourself you should be able to convince yourself to do what's best for you, I mean, it's you for goodness sake!

I am quite sure that I don't want to be alone the rest of my life and I haven't been o.k. with it the past little bit.  I miss being loved.  I just do.  (Update:  The ladies across from me are now ordering dessert shots. Two Gladiators and two Birthday cakes...)  I love being loved by my kids and friends and family, but it's just different to be loved by a spouse.  That's one of the things I am working out right now.  Losing being loved by someone else, and then struggling to understand your own positive traits isn't an uplifting thing.  Pretty sure this is one of the things I am working out.

Soph is not a tag-along anymore either.  She is a little person with her own personality.  The thing about that because of this, nothing seems familiar in parenting anymore.  Krista and I had ideas of how to be parents to two kids and a baby, and although I didn't think, "What would Krista do in this situation?" on a daily basis the last 3.5 years, I think my mind was sort of parenting based on what I knew.  The thing is, I am breaking new ground here.  Soph will now be enrolling in activities and having more play dates and having her life. For the past while, she has been herself, but Jax and Grace have been the ones getting "out there" as it were.  How does life work now? Where do we go?  What decisions do I make?  How do I teach these kids about life?  All these questions have floated through my mind a ton this past 6 months.  I had a good talk with my friend Connie about this and she was very encouraging.  She just really helped me get some thoughts in order.  Realizing that the answers to these questions aren't necessarily the same for every family, realizing that my kids are MY kids, not "exactly what my perception of society's idea of a "good kid"" is.  I hope that makes sense.

Here's the deal.  As I wrote this tonight, I realized a few things.  I need to make some changes and stick to them.  I need to believe about myself, the same good things that I truly believe about others.  I need to give myself the grace to parent in the ways I feel are right, and not be rattled about some things if they may not be "the way Krista would have done things".  If I'm being honest, there is no real way to know what she would have thought. That is sad, but I need to let that go.

Man, my head is starting to feel clear again. I have made obvious to myself my blessings which makes me want to stop whining and address some fixable failings.  Sweet.  I suppose each moment I move forward in time is another moment to get things right.  That's a pretty mind-melting thing really.  Now I have to stop because my mind just melted.  Good night.

P.S. - sorry to the ladies in the restaurant, you were just having a good time...

Claustrophobia, Krista, and Unleashing the Fury

Women are truly amazing.  Seeing my wife go through labour with each of our three kids made happy about two things simultaneously.  Number 1 - It made me glad I was a man, and Number 2 - that God made women so ridiculously strong.  If men had to have children I think the human race would never have existed because after that first one, men would be like, “Hey, that was stupid.  That hurt really bad and now I have this thing to take care of that basically can’t do jack.  Pretty sure I’m not going to do that again.”  That is hyperbole of course, but you get my meaning.  Women have this ability to forget about the pain and then want to have even more humans. 

They forget until it gets close to the time when the baby is to be born, and then, they remember.  I remember talking to Krista about it, and her getting a little rattled about what was about to come.  She knew what pain was coming and there was no way out of it.  Krista didn't like the idea of something she couldn't have any control over. Things like that made her feel trapped.  Krista was beautiful and brilliant and inspiring, but she was a bit claustrophobic at times and that led to some pretty hilarious, “They weren’t funny at the time, but are funny now” type stories.

One time, we went on a trip before we had kids.  We drove from Lethbridge out to Vancouver and then headed south on Highway 101 along the Pacific Coast of the States to San Francisco, then over to Vegas and then home.  I wouldn’t say the whole trip was without kids because I’m pretty sure that Jaxon was conceived in Sin City.  (Jaxon if you ever read this book, I hope that isn’t too distressing a fact for you.  In my opinion you should celebrate it because, well, you wouldn’t be here otherwise...)  When we were in Vegas we boarded a monorail that went from one Casino to the other and when it closed.  Krista freaked out a bit.  To be honest, she is one of the most confident women you would ever meet, but on that occasion, she just wasn’t.  She started crying and wanting to get out and she was so distraught I even picked up the emergency phone to call someone.  What would I say?  NO IDEA.  The thing is, the emergency phone didn’t even work. (that was unsettling) 

Now I would like to say that I was the model husband who supported his wife and just held her in his arms saying, “Whatever it takes babe, I’ll help you.”  Yah, that wasn’t me.  I mean, I held her and picked up the emergency phone, but I was looking at the other passengers with a, “I know you think this is strange and crazy, and, I agree with you.” 

Krista never liked elevators either, she would always take the stairs, and not just for health reasons.  She just hated elevators.  One more story and then I’m done with this claustrophobia thing.  We were on a ferry going from Vancouver Island to Vancouver the Easter before she passed away.  We had done the trip because we had been exploring the option to work at a camp called Camp Quanoes on Vancouver Island.  (more on that later)  We got on the ferry and everything was gold.  We were having a great trip, and then it came time to get back in our cars and drive off.  We got in. I turned the key.  A couple turns of the engine and then nothing.  Panic starts to set in because I can’t believe that the car won’t start and we are trying to get off this boat after a long day of travel with two kids (5 and 3 at the time) and a pregnant, uncomfortable, tired wife. 

 

I try again, nothing.  The cars start driving off and here we are, holding everyone up.  It wasn’t my fault at all, but it sure felt like it.  We keep trying  and then we go up and try and talk to someone about it, and find out that if we want to get off the ferry we had better get off now.  We were upstairs in the ferry at that time, and so we get to the elevator to get down to the level where we have to get out.  Krista is NOT going on the elevator so I take the kids on it and she takes the stairs but goes the wrong way.  She can’t find us and knows that time is of the essence because the ferry had to leave in minutes to stay on schedule. Tick, tock.  She was getting off with the kids to meet her dad and then I would travel with the car and try and get it boosted in Victoria because ferry rules stated that they weren’t allowed to let cars give each other a boost while on the ship. Tick Tock.  She still can’t find us so calls to an official on the ferry extremely upset and says in a really rattled voice, “There’s a man with my two kids trying to leave the ship!”

Now let me explain something to you.  She forgot to mention that the “man” with the kids was her husband with their two kids.  The officer freaks out and gets on the radio, yelling to people on the other end that there is a man trying to leave the ship, attempting to abduct this poor woman’s two kids.  Krista realized nearly immediately the miscommunication, clarified that the “man” was indeed her husband, and then drew the glare of the officer who was clearly annoyed with the missed details.

She directed Krista to the proper place.  Krista, clearly extremely frustrated came walking at a rather brisk pace, with a “Get out of my way suckers.” type look on her face.  Without much of a conversation with me, grabbed a bag, the kids, Grace in one arm and Jaxon in the other with a bag and started walking off the ship.

In my mind, I remember hoping for a tender moment.  Sort of like in the movies when things go sideways and just before the bomb explodes, the two people in love look at each other, and say, “No matter what happens, I love you!  I WILL FIND  YOU!!!!!” Followed by a nice big kiss and all that.  

Well I guess if I’m being honest,  I was hoping that I could get a kiss or hug from her to assure me that she wasn’t mad at me, just at the situation, but that didn’t happen. (Why I was worried about my own needed reassurances here is beyond me.  Basically I was being selfish in this situation I think.)  So here I am yelling, “Krista! Krista! Krista......” Again, like in a war movie where they aren’t sure they are ever going to see each other again.  One person running in to the battle to save unprotected, at risk orphans, explosions going off all around.  While the other person watches at a distance yelling slow mo, “Noooooooooooooooo!” type stuff.  Well that’s the only way I can describe it was kind of like on a smaller explosion and war and orphan scale but pretty high emotional level.  Krista disappearing, walking into the horizon off the ship with the kids as the platform slowly rises, never turning back.  She was pretty annoyed that night.  

I wish I would have had the vision and the strength to handle myself better, not worrying if she was mad at me or anything and just going straight to the job of trying to figure out what was best.  Fellas, sometimes your spouse just needs you to not care about your own feelings and let her be ridiculous.  They need to know that you are not going to crack when things go sideways.  In my opinion it does not mean that you just keep a brave face no matter what and never truly open up about things that matter to you.  I don’t mean that you become inauthentic, but there are times when you need to step outside yourself and realize that she just needs to vent, or be mad, and it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it’s just that you happen to be the only thing she feels comfortable unleashing her fury too at that moment.  I think that’s actually a measure of trust, if it only happens from time to time.  If she is constantly on you, then there are probably deeper problems there that you need to get to the root of.  

Now ladies, the thing is, your spouse needs to hear after you have your head on straight after “the unleashing of your fury” that it wasn’t him.  You may think that a man needing to hear that is weak or something, but it isn’t.  It’s called communication.  You can’t expect someone to honestly communicate with you if you don’t do it yourself.  We aren’t perfect in the ways we handle all situations, but neither are you.   I think I probably could have decreased the stress level.  

Basically, I hope that both people in a relationship can communicate their needs to one another because that's important.  If you aren't sure that they understand where you are coming from, make it clear.  "Ah man, that sounds a lot of work!" Yep. It's worth it too.  

I am sure my kids won't age.

I know I will be like this.

Tonight was family movie night.  We watched Hotel Transylvania and it was pretty good, but a little scary in parts for Grace and Jax.  Just startling parts where something pops out of somewhere you don't expect and jazz like that. PG movies are a little different than G.

Anyway, the whole story is essentially about how Dracula has this hotel for monsters so they can get away from humans and accidentally a human kid, (young adult) who is backpacking around the world ends up at the hotel.  Dracula does everything he can to get rid of the kid, hilarity ensues and all types of things happen so he doesn't leave.  Dracula has a daughter and she ends up being smitten by this young human that she doesn't know is a human because Dracula has disguised him as a cousin of Frankenstein.  Of course she finds out that he is human, but in the end, love knows no bounds and they are together.  Ahhhhh, happy times.

What the crap does that have to do with the Subaru commercial?  Well, Dracula has to let his daughter go at some point and he has a hard time coming to terms with that and I am pretty sure that I will go through the same thing.  When I was tucking in Grace, we were talking about how someday she would become 18 and 20, and how that is weird to me because I thought I would always see her as my little girl.  I don't know if I am just tired or what, but the thought of her leaving at some point brings tears to my eyes.  Not because I am not excited for her future, but because she will always be my girl.  I'll tell you what, the first guy that comes around this joint interested in Grace will be welcomed in, but when the moment is right, (meaning Grace is out of earshot) I'm going to take that little sucker aside and be sure to remind him that, "If you do anything to hurt my daughter I will kill you."  "I. Will. Destroy. You."  Then I will smile and wave as they leave on their date, with the assurance that I have put the fear of God in that boy.

Grace will always be my little girl.  Soph will always be my little girl.  Jax will always be my boy.  As they grow up, learning how best to be a parent to them is complicated.  You don't realize how crazy your own growing up must have been to your parents until you see your own kids grow up. I have been looking through some of Krista's writings lately as I try and write this book about my thoughts about marriage and kids and grief and other stuff.  I wanted to share what Krista wrote about parenting that I  find very meaningful.

     "It’s an hour past her bedtime already but our three year old daughter is having none of it.  She recently became the, “I need to go the bathroom...another glass of water...my blankets on...my blankets off... where’s my teddy?” child.    This routine is relatively new for us.  Jared and I have reluctantly adapted by taking turns making the weary trek down the hallway.  This evening Gracie is in rare form.  She has already been to the bathroom twice; say, “No” to that request and I’ve guaranteed myself another load of laundry as a result of a 3:00am wet-bed, wake-up call. She has interchangeably insisted she is too hot, too cold, itchy, achy, and lonely.  She sounds a little like she’s entertaining some far-off relations of the seven dwarves.  Jared has just re-joined me in bed after journeying back from his fourth trip to Gracie’s room.  We simultaneously let out sighs of exhaustion when we hear Gracie call for us...again.  

     Jared turns to me and asks with exasperation, “What do we do?”  At that same moment, her call becomes a little softer, “Daddy, will you rock me like a baby?”  We look at each other, and I open my mouth to speak but he is already rising from the bed.  How many more years will she make that simple request?  One, two, five?  I smile and my heart fills with a surge of love as I watch my husband, all 6’5”, 245lbs of him, wipe away a tear and choke out the words, “I’m coming baby.”
     
     Most any parenting books will tell you that Jared’s response to our daughters’ plea was incorrect on many levels. For starters, we should have been firm and denied her a second sip of water or another song.  And of course we should have refused to venture down the hallway to her room multiple times no matter how insistent or loud her cries became.  Our approach to our daughter differs vastly from our approach to our firstborn son.  
     
     When we first brought Jaxon home from the hospital we cradled a parenting book in one arm and him in the other for the first six weeks of his life. We were so terrified of “damaging” him that we consulted complete strangers for advice on everything from how many minutes he “should” be nursing, to how long he “should” be awake, to how old he “should” be when he starts sleeping through the night.  We didn’t dare to trust our instincts about this tiny creature we had helped create; who were we to know?  Fortunately, with the wisdom that comes with maturity and the passing of time we have realised, who are we not to know?  

     We are the parents of our children.  I personally carried each of them for over 275 days.  I felt them kick and turn, hiccup and stretch.  Jared felt tiny feet and knees through the taut skin of my nine-months pregnant belly.  We journeyed through the birth of each of our children side-by-side; joined together in purpose by each contraction and each rapid baby heartbeat. We looked into the limitlessly deep dark eyes of our minutes-old babies and felt immediate and un-surpassing love flood through our veins and take root instantly and eternally. We leaned close to press lips against incomparably soft skin and to breathe in the scent of us; combined and entwined together in these new lives.  Who on earth could possibly know these babies better than us?  Who on earth could possibly be better equipped ?  The answer is simple.  No one."

     As parents know, parenting is the act of teaching your kids how to be independent while simultaneously training yourself to let them go.  Obviously they will always be my kids, just as I am to my parents.  Some people reading this may have not experienced a positive home life.  I hope that when you have your own kids that you can see the things that you want to change and not have them affect you.  Parenting is hard, but I hope that as I see my kids grow up that I can parent them the way they need.  Obviously I'm thinking about the fact that I should have had Krista here to be part of the team of "Who on earth could be better equipped".  I lament the fact that I we can't do this together.  Although I think Krista is right about her and I being the best to know these babies, there is also a community of people around who are part of the team, and that is an encouraging thought.  I know that what Krista really meant to do with this passage is to empower parents to understand that they should trust their instincts with their kids.  There is only so much reading and learning and comparing with other families that a parent should do.  You are equipped. You can do it.  You can make decisions that have the best interests of your kid.  Be confident.

Those of you who aren't parents who read up to here, thanks for reading. I don't know why you kept reading because I don't have any lick of an idea as to how this would apply to you but I appreciate your hanging out with these words for a little bit.  

I hope you all have a grand 'ol night.