Claustrophobia, Krista, and Unleashing the Fury

Women are truly amazing.  Seeing my wife go through labour with each of our three kids made happy about two things simultaneously.  Number 1 - It made me glad I was a man, and Number 2 - that God made women so ridiculously strong.  If men had to have children I think the human race would never have existed because after that first one, men would be like, “Hey, that was stupid.  That hurt really bad and now I have this thing to take care of that basically can’t do jack.  Pretty sure I’m not going to do that again.”  That is hyperbole of course, but you get my meaning.  Women have this ability to forget about the pain and then want to have even more humans. 

They forget until it gets close to the time when the baby is to be born, and then, they remember.  I remember talking to Krista about it, and her getting a little rattled about what was about to come.  She knew what pain was coming and there was no way out of it.  Krista didn't like the idea of something she couldn't have any control over. Things like that made her feel trapped.  Krista was beautiful and brilliant and inspiring, but she was a bit claustrophobic at times and that led to some pretty hilarious, “They weren’t funny at the time, but are funny now” type stories.

One time, we went on a trip before we had kids.  We drove from Lethbridge out to Vancouver and then headed south on Highway 101 along the Pacific Coast of the States to San Francisco, then over to Vegas and then home.  I wouldn’t say the whole trip was without kids because I’m pretty sure that Jaxon was conceived in Sin City.  (Jaxon if you ever read this book, I hope that isn’t too distressing a fact for you.  In my opinion you should celebrate it because, well, you wouldn’t be here otherwise...)  When we were in Vegas we boarded a monorail that went from one Casino to the other and when it closed.  Krista freaked out a bit.  To be honest, she is one of the most confident women you would ever meet, but on that occasion, she just wasn’t.  She started crying and wanting to get out and she was so distraught I even picked up the emergency phone to call someone.  What would I say?  NO IDEA.  The thing is, the emergency phone didn’t even work. (that was unsettling) 

Now I would like to say that I was the model husband who supported his wife and just held her in his arms saying, “Whatever it takes babe, I’ll help you.”  Yah, that wasn’t me.  I mean, I held her and picked up the emergency phone, but I was looking at the other passengers with a, “I know you think this is strange and crazy, and, I agree with you.” 

Krista never liked elevators either, she would always take the stairs, and not just for health reasons.  She just hated elevators.  One more story and then I’m done with this claustrophobia thing.  We were on a ferry going from Vancouver Island to Vancouver the Easter before she passed away.  We had done the trip because we had been exploring the option to work at a camp called Camp Quanoes on Vancouver Island.  (more on that later)  We got on the ferry and everything was gold.  We were having a great trip, and then it came time to get back in our cars and drive off.  We got in. I turned the key.  A couple turns of the engine and then nothing.  Panic starts to set in because I can’t believe that the car won’t start and we are trying to get off this boat after a long day of travel with two kids (5 and 3 at the time) and a pregnant, uncomfortable, tired wife. 

 

I try again, nothing.  The cars start driving off and here we are, holding everyone up.  It wasn’t my fault at all, but it sure felt like it.  We keep trying  and then we go up and try and talk to someone about it, and find out that if we want to get off the ferry we had better get off now.  We were upstairs in the ferry at that time, and so we get to the elevator to get down to the level where we have to get out.  Krista is NOT going on the elevator so I take the kids on it and she takes the stairs but goes the wrong way.  She can’t find us and knows that time is of the essence because the ferry had to leave in minutes to stay on schedule. Tick, tock.  She was getting off with the kids to meet her dad and then I would travel with the car and try and get it boosted in Victoria because ferry rules stated that they weren’t allowed to let cars give each other a boost while on the ship. Tick Tock.  She still can’t find us so calls to an official on the ferry extremely upset and says in a really rattled voice, “There’s a man with my two kids trying to leave the ship!”

Now let me explain something to you.  She forgot to mention that the “man” with the kids was her husband with their two kids.  The officer freaks out and gets on the radio, yelling to people on the other end that there is a man trying to leave the ship, attempting to abduct this poor woman’s two kids.  Krista realized nearly immediately the miscommunication, clarified that the “man” was indeed her husband, and then drew the glare of the officer who was clearly annoyed with the missed details.

She directed Krista to the proper place.  Krista, clearly extremely frustrated came walking at a rather brisk pace, with a “Get out of my way suckers.” type look on her face.  Without much of a conversation with me, grabbed a bag, the kids, Grace in one arm and Jaxon in the other with a bag and started walking off the ship.

In my mind, I remember hoping for a tender moment.  Sort of like in the movies when things go sideways and just before the bomb explodes, the two people in love look at each other, and say, “No matter what happens, I love you!  I WILL FIND  YOU!!!!!” Followed by a nice big kiss and all that.  

Well I guess if I’m being honest,  I was hoping that I could get a kiss or hug from her to assure me that she wasn’t mad at me, just at the situation, but that didn’t happen. (Why I was worried about my own needed reassurances here is beyond me.  Basically I was being selfish in this situation I think.)  So here I am yelling, “Krista! Krista! Krista......” Again, like in a war movie where they aren’t sure they are ever going to see each other again.  One person running in to the battle to save unprotected, at risk orphans, explosions going off all around.  While the other person watches at a distance yelling slow mo, “Noooooooooooooooo!” type stuff.  Well that’s the only way I can describe it was kind of like on a smaller explosion and war and orphan scale but pretty high emotional level.  Krista disappearing, walking into the horizon off the ship with the kids as the platform slowly rises, never turning back.  She was pretty annoyed that night.  

I wish I would have had the vision and the strength to handle myself better, not worrying if she was mad at me or anything and just going straight to the job of trying to figure out what was best.  Fellas, sometimes your spouse just needs you to not care about your own feelings and let her be ridiculous.  They need to know that you are not going to crack when things go sideways.  In my opinion it does not mean that you just keep a brave face no matter what and never truly open up about things that matter to you.  I don’t mean that you become inauthentic, but there are times when you need to step outside yourself and realize that she just needs to vent, or be mad, and it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it’s just that you happen to be the only thing she feels comfortable unleashing her fury too at that moment.  I think that’s actually a measure of trust, if it only happens from time to time.  If she is constantly on you, then there are probably deeper problems there that you need to get to the root of.  

Now ladies, the thing is, your spouse needs to hear after you have your head on straight after “the unleashing of your fury” that it wasn’t him.  You may think that a man needing to hear that is weak or something, but it isn’t.  It’s called communication.  You can’t expect someone to honestly communicate with you if you don’t do it yourself.  We aren’t perfect in the ways we handle all situations, but neither are you.   I think I probably could have decreased the stress level.  

Basically, I hope that both people in a relationship can communicate their needs to one another because that's important.  If you aren't sure that they understand where you are coming from, make it clear.  "Ah man, that sounds a lot of work!" Yep. It's worth it too.