Claustrophobia, Krista, and Unleashing the Fury

Women are truly amazing.  Seeing my wife go through labour with each of our three kids made happy about two things simultaneously.  Number 1 - It made me glad I was a man, and Number 2 - that God made women so ridiculously strong.  If men had to have children I think the human race would never have existed because after that first one, men would be like, “Hey, that was stupid.  That hurt really bad and now I have this thing to take care of that basically can’t do jack.  Pretty sure I’m not going to do that again.”  That is hyperbole of course, but you get my meaning.  Women have this ability to forget about the pain and then want to have even more humans. 

They forget until it gets close to the time when the baby is to be born, and then, they remember.  I remember talking to Krista about it, and her getting a little rattled about what was about to come.  She knew what pain was coming and there was no way out of it.  Krista didn't like the idea of something she couldn't have any control over. Things like that made her feel trapped.  Krista was beautiful and brilliant and inspiring, but she was a bit claustrophobic at times and that led to some pretty hilarious, “They weren’t funny at the time, but are funny now” type stories.

One time, we went on a trip before we had kids.  We drove from Lethbridge out to Vancouver and then headed south on Highway 101 along the Pacific Coast of the States to San Francisco, then over to Vegas and then home.  I wouldn’t say the whole trip was without kids because I’m pretty sure that Jaxon was conceived in Sin City.  (Jaxon if you ever read this book, I hope that isn’t too distressing a fact for you.  In my opinion you should celebrate it because, well, you wouldn’t be here otherwise...)  When we were in Vegas we boarded a monorail that went from one Casino to the other and when it closed.  Krista freaked out a bit.  To be honest, she is one of the most confident women you would ever meet, but on that occasion, she just wasn’t.  She started crying and wanting to get out and she was so distraught I even picked up the emergency phone to call someone.  What would I say?  NO IDEA.  The thing is, the emergency phone didn’t even work. (that was unsettling) 

Now I would like to say that I was the model husband who supported his wife and just held her in his arms saying, “Whatever it takes babe, I’ll help you.”  Yah, that wasn’t me.  I mean, I held her and picked up the emergency phone, but I was looking at the other passengers with a, “I know you think this is strange and crazy, and, I agree with you.” 

Krista never liked elevators either, she would always take the stairs, and not just for health reasons.  She just hated elevators.  One more story and then I’m done with this claustrophobia thing.  We were on a ferry going from Vancouver Island to Vancouver the Easter before she passed away.  We had done the trip because we had been exploring the option to work at a camp called Camp Quanoes on Vancouver Island.  (more on that later)  We got on the ferry and everything was gold.  We were having a great trip, and then it came time to get back in our cars and drive off.  We got in. I turned the key.  A couple turns of the engine and then nothing.  Panic starts to set in because I can’t believe that the car won’t start and we are trying to get off this boat after a long day of travel with two kids (5 and 3 at the time) and a pregnant, uncomfortable, tired wife. 

 

I try again, nothing.  The cars start driving off and here we are, holding everyone up.  It wasn’t my fault at all, but it sure felt like it.  We keep trying  and then we go up and try and talk to someone about it, and find out that if we want to get off the ferry we had better get off now.  We were upstairs in the ferry at that time, and so we get to the elevator to get down to the level where we have to get out.  Krista is NOT going on the elevator so I take the kids on it and she takes the stairs but goes the wrong way.  She can’t find us and knows that time is of the essence because the ferry had to leave in minutes to stay on schedule. Tick, tock.  She was getting off with the kids to meet her dad and then I would travel with the car and try and get it boosted in Victoria because ferry rules stated that they weren’t allowed to let cars give each other a boost while on the ship. Tick Tock.  She still can’t find us so calls to an official on the ferry extremely upset and says in a really rattled voice, “There’s a man with my two kids trying to leave the ship!”

Now let me explain something to you.  She forgot to mention that the “man” with the kids was her husband with their two kids.  The officer freaks out and gets on the radio, yelling to people on the other end that there is a man trying to leave the ship, attempting to abduct this poor woman’s two kids.  Krista realized nearly immediately the miscommunication, clarified that the “man” was indeed her husband, and then drew the glare of the officer who was clearly annoyed with the missed details.

She directed Krista to the proper place.  Krista, clearly extremely frustrated came walking at a rather brisk pace, with a “Get out of my way suckers.” type look on her face.  Without much of a conversation with me, grabbed a bag, the kids, Grace in one arm and Jaxon in the other with a bag and started walking off the ship.

In my mind, I remember hoping for a tender moment.  Sort of like in the movies when things go sideways and just before the bomb explodes, the two people in love look at each other, and say, “No matter what happens, I love you!  I WILL FIND  YOU!!!!!” Followed by a nice big kiss and all that.  

Well I guess if I’m being honest,  I was hoping that I could get a kiss or hug from her to assure me that she wasn’t mad at me, just at the situation, but that didn’t happen. (Why I was worried about my own needed reassurances here is beyond me.  Basically I was being selfish in this situation I think.)  So here I am yelling, “Krista! Krista! Krista......” Again, like in a war movie where they aren’t sure they are ever going to see each other again.  One person running in to the battle to save unprotected, at risk orphans, explosions going off all around.  While the other person watches at a distance yelling slow mo, “Noooooooooooooooo!” type stuff.  Well that’s the only way I can describe it was kind of like on a smaller explosion and war and orphan scale but pretty high emotional level.  Krista disappearing, walking into the horizon off the ship with the kids as the platform slowly rises, never turning back.  She was pretty annoyed that night.  

I wish I would have had the vision and the strength to handle myself better, not worrying if she was mad at me or anything and just going straight to the job of trying to figure out what was best.  Fellas, sometimes your spouse just needs you to not care about your own feelings and let her be ridiculous.  They need to know that you are not going to crack when things go sideways.  In my opinion it does not mean that you just keep a brave face no matter what and never truly open up about things that matter to you.  I don’t mean that you become inauthentic, but there are times when you need to step outside yourself and realize that she just needs to vent, or be mad, and it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it’s just that you happen to be the only thing she feels comfortable unleashing her fury too at that moment.  I think that’s actually a measure of trust, if it only happens from time to time.  If she is constantly on you, then there are probably deeper problems there that you need to get to the root of.  

Now ladies, the thing is, your spouse needs to hear after you have your head on straight after “the unleashing of your fury” that it wasn’t him.  You may think that a man needing to hear that is weak or something, but it isn’t.  It’s called communication.  You can’t expect someone to honestly communicate with you if you don’t do it yourself.  We aren’t perfect in the ways we handle all situations, but neither are you.   I think I probably could have decreased the stress level.  

Basically, I hope that both people in a relationship can communicate their needs to one another because that's important.  If you aren't sure that they understand where you are coming from, make it clear.  "Ah man, that sounds a lot of work!" Yep. It's worth it too.  

I am sure my kids won't age.

I know I will be like this.

Tonight was family movie night.  We watched Hotel Transylvania and it was pretty good, but a little scary in parts for Grace and Jax.  Just startling parts where something pops out of somewhere you don't expect and jazz like that. PG movies are a little different than G.

Anyway, the whole story is essentially about how Dracula has this hotel for monsters so they can get away from humans and accidentally a human kid, (young adult) who is backpacking around the world ends up at the hotel.  Dracula does everything he can to get rid of the kid, hilarity ensues and all types of things happen so he doesn't leave.  Dracula has a daughter and she ends up being smitten by this young human that she doesn't know is a human because Dracula has disguised him as a cousin of Frankenstein.  Of course she finds out that he is human, but in the end, love knows no bounds and they are together.  Ahhhhh, happy times.

What the crap does that have to do with the Subaru commercial?  Well, Dracula has to let his daughter go at some point and he has a hard time coming to terms with that and I am pretty sure that I will go through the same thing.  When I was tucking in Grace, we were talking about how someday she would become 18 and 20, and how that is weird to me because I thought I would always see her as my little girl.  I don't know if I am just tired or what, but the thought of her leaving at some point brings tears to my eyes.  Not because I am not excited for her future, but because she will always be my girl.  I'll tell you what, the first guy that comes around this joint interested in Grace will be welcomed in, but when the moment is right, (meaning Grace is out of earshot) I'm going to take that little sucker aside and be sure to remind him that, "If you do anything to hurt my daughter I will kill you."  "I. Will. Destroy. You."  Then I will smile and wave as they leave on their date, with the assurance that I have put the fear of God in that boy.

Grace will always be my little girl.  Soph will always be my little girl.  Jax will always be my boy.  As they grow up, learning how best to be a parent to them is complicated.  You don't realize how crazy your own growing up must have been to your parents until you see your own kids grow up. I have been looking through some of Krista's writings lately as I try and write this book about my thoughts about marriage and kids and grief and other stuff.  I wanted to share what Krista wrote about parenting that I  find very meaningful.

     "It’s an hour past her bedtime already but our three year old daughter is having none of it.  She recently became the, “I need to go the bathroom...another glass of water...my blankets on...my blankets off... where’s my teddy?” child.    This routine is relatively new for us.  Jared and I have reluctantly adapted by taking turns making the weary trek down the hallway.  This evening Gracie is in rare form.  She has already been to the bathroom twice; say, “No” to that request and I’ve guaranteed myself another load of laundry as a result of a 3:00am wet-bed, wake-up call. She has interchangeably insisted she is too hot, too cold, itchy, achy, and lonely.  She sounds a little like she’s entertaining some far-off relations of the seven dwarves.  Jared has just re-joined me in bed after journeying back from his fourth trip to Gracie’s room.  We simultaneously let out sighs of exhaustion when we hear Gracie call for us...again.  

     Jared turns to me and asks with exasperation, “What do we do?”  At that same moment, her call becomes a little softer, “Daddy, will you rock me like a baby?”  We look at each other, and I open my mouth to speak but he is already rising from the bed.  How many more years will she make that simple request?  One, two, five?  I smile and my heart fills with a surge of love as I watch my husband, all 6’5”, 245lbs of him, wipe away a tear and choke out the words, “I’m coming baby.”
     
     Most any parenting books will tell you that Jared’s response to our daughters’ plea was incorrect on many levels. For starters, we should have been firm and denied her a second sip of water or another song.  And of course we should have refused to venture down the hallway to her room multiple times no matter how insistent or loud her cries became.  Our approach to our daughter differs vastly from our approach to our firstborn son.  
     
     When we first brought Jaxon home from the hospital we cradled a parenting book in one arm and him in the other for the first six weeks of his life. We were so terrified of “damaging” him that we consulted complete strangers for advice on everything from how many minutes he “should” be nursing, to how long he “should” be awake, to how old he “should” be when he starts sleeping through the night.  We didn’t dare to trust our instincts about this tiny creature we had helped create; who were we to know?  Fortunately, with the wisdom that comes with maturity and the passing of time we have realised, who are we not to know?  

     We are the parents of our children.  I personally carried each of them for over 275 days.  I felt them kick and turn, hiccup and stretch.  Jared felt tiny feet and knees through the taut skin of my nine-months pregnant belly.  We journeyed through the birth of each of our children side-by-side; joined together in purpose by each contraction and each rapid baby heartbeat. We looked into the limitlessly deep dark eyes of our minutes-old babies and felt immediate and un-surpassing love flood through our veins and take root instantly and eternally. We leaned close to press lips against incomparably soft skin and to breathe in the scent of us; combined and entwined together in these new lives.  Who on earth could possibly know these babies better than us?  Who on earth could possibly be better equipped ?  The answer is simple.  No one."

     As parents know, parenting is the act of teaching your kids how to be independent while simultaneously training yourself to let them go.  Obviously they will always be my kids, just as I am to my parents.  Some people reading this may have not experienced a positive home life.  I hope that when you have your own kids that you can see the things that you want to change and not have them affect you.  Parenting is hard, but I hope that as I see my kids grow up that I can parent them the way they need.  Obviously I'm thinking about the fact that I should have had Krista here to be part of the team of "Who on earth could be better equipped".  I lament the fact that I we can't do this together.  Although I think Krista is right about her and I being the best to know these babies, there is also a community of people around who are part of the team, and that is an encouraging thought.  I know that what Krista really meant to do with this passage is to empower parents to understand that they should trust their instincts with their kids.  There is only so much reading and learning and comparing with other families that a parent should do.  You are equipped. You can do it.  You can make decisions that have the best interests of your kid.  Be confident.

Those of you who aren't parents who read up to here, thanks for reading. I don't know why you kept reading because I don't have any lick of an idea as to how this would apply to you but I appreciate your hanging out with these words for a little bit.  

I hope you all have a grand 'ol night.