5 years

I was at Broxburn Vegetables and Cafe today with my kids for Strawberry Fest.  It's a vegetable farm just outside Lethbridge.  One of my good friends, who loves "all things festival", told me about it in the morning.  I was getting the kids ready to go to the farm and running around.   Just after she told me about it, I received a text from another friend that said, "Thinking about your family today Jared."  I honestly had to stop and think for a quick second about why I was getting that message.

Right.

Today is 5 years.

I'm not saying that I have literally forgotten what the date of Krista's death was.  That's ridiculous.  I had to take a second to think because the date does not have the power of shadows over my heart that it did a few years ago.  The last couple years, the dates on the calendar marking certain significance to Krista have not had the ability to change my approach to the day in a negative way.  We can live our lives and enjoy them, fully.  I am 100% positive that Krista would be super ticked if we didn't.

If you are reading this blog for the first time, you wouldn't know that my wonderful wife Krista, the mother of my three children, passed away due to a pulmonary embolism on this date in 2009.  Just 4 days after the birth of our third child.  The past 5 years are like a completely separate life compared with before because it has been so different without Krista.  It's like the designations of B.C. and A.D. when talking about history.  I sometimes find myself figuring out that the easiest way to tell how old the things in my house, or peoples' kids are is to remember how old they were in relation to that date. 

Let's get something straight though.  While working through what it means to be a widowed father of three is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, it does not mean that there has been an absence of joy in our family's life.  There has still been joy.  There has always been hope.

She would absolutely be CHOKED if her death received attention, and was focused on, in a way that brought the kids down at this time of year.  She would have wanted Soph's birthday and the beginning of school to be an insanely joyous time.  To be honest, even if she hadn't wanted that, it's what I want.  So it's not an avoidance of the topic, like it's something to be feared. I think of it as a prioritization shift.  I want the highest priority to be that our family has a good time together on this weekend, an emphasis on our family bond, not on our family loss.  I don't know that it's been that clear to me until I wrote that sentence. So Strawberry Festival and a sleepover at Grandma Beth's house before school starts is a great way to honour one of the most important things to Krista, and myself... a loving family.

For the rest of her life Soph could have her birthday be a precursor to a day of sad.  That's not cool. 

5 years of change in our lives is a huge amount of time.  It's can also be a short amount of time.  It just depends on what perspective you are using when you begin to sort through the memory banks.  

To look at my own kids now, is to look at completely different human beings.  

Jaxon is 11 now, he is going to his first year of middle school this year.  Grade 6.  He  for his first day of Grade 1 when Krista passed away.  He loves playing basketball and video games and wrestling with me and listening to music. He is great with his sisters, is a good friend to others.  Currently he wants to be a chef, and he's actually pretty legit with cooking. Especially scrambled eggs with cheese.  Seriously.

Grace is in Grade 4.  She dances Hip Hop, likes basketball (not as enamoured with it as Jaxon yet, but I'm working on it. :)) and enjoys goofing around and making hilarious videos with her friends and siblings.  She is unreal with younger kids and wants to be a teacher.

Soph was a tiny little definition of joy.  She's still joy, but now she's a budding Kindergartener version of it.  She loves Play-doh, loves pretend cooking, and loves tickles.  Honestly her giggle could melt the black off an asphalt road.  

Our family - 2010 vs. 2014 - we had the first photo taken nearly one year after Krista passed, and the other was this past summer while visiting Krista's Dad in B.C.  I love these pictures.  I currently also like having long hair.

THE FUTURE.  So ominous it can be...

In the early spring of 2014, I started seeing a counsellor again because I felt this general malaise about the future.  Even though I had hope for the future, it was like it was muddled in the everyday grind.  There was still joy, but it was veiled. 

I had begun to feel like I was entering a new stage of life and wasn't confident that my swirling thoughts didn't need some distilling.  There were a few things that I addressed with my counsellor.  

1. Physical Health
2. Work/Life Balance (societal problem catchphrase alert!)
3. How to invest in my children who are now in new stages in their own lives.
4. How am I going to know, how I know, that I am ready to explore a relationship with someone again?

It has been great to work with him on this.  

1. I have taken steps to address the physical activity and diet concerns I have had in my life.  I don't have a huge weight loss story to share with you, but I can tell you that I am changing shape slowly but surely, and the loss of mass will come.  The biggest thing is that I feel that I have a plan that will work for me.
2. I have looked at how I work and what ways I can maximize my actual day while still getting the things done that I want to accomplish.  This has lead to the realization that I need to wake up early. 5:30/6:00 a.m. and go to bed early 10:00 to do this.  This hasn't been consistent yet either, especially over the summer! Teacher summers allow for some frivolous sleeping behaviours at times.  It is a goal of mine to integrate this schedule starting after Labour Day 2014. (just want to put 2014 so I can't screw it up all next year and then say, "Well you never said WHICH Labour Day!"  Oh man that would be the definition of weak..)
3. Talking with my kids about what they truly enjoy in life has helped me to understand the areas that they are more excited about.  That doesn't mean that I just let them do what they want, or not do what they don't want.  It means that I can be mindful of the areas I need to push them in, while also being more understanding of their areas of anxiety.  Kids are awesome, but sometimes confusing.  They also give me huge amounts of energy some days, but also should probably be put in prison for larceny with the amount of energy they have stolen.
4. Funny story. Weeks into talking with my counsellor I met someone.  We were talking and she was cool and beautiful.  We hung out a bit as friends and I have been seeing her ever since.  She's fantastic and it's really chill and really great at the same time. She thinks my family is awesome, and respects Krista's memory and who she was to my kids and I.  She loves God.  My family thinks she is great too.  That's all there is to tell about that because there are a lot of people who deserve a lot of respect in both of our lives and it would be really disrespectful to talk about a relationship in a blog.  Not to mention creepy.  Also super lame.  The funny part of the story is that I never really got the answer to the question of "how was I going to know how to know that I was ready?" because it sort of answered itself.

Thinking about all the changes that life brings, especially this time of year since Krista has passed, reminds me of the things that have been constant in my life.

I have been loved and supported by friends, family and colleagues. 

My parents and sister have prayed for my kids and I and helped us out and have just plain loved us all the time.  Well my whole life truth be told! Hahaha! My mom prays for so many people and does whatever she can for us.  She has Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia and yet she still does whatever she can for us.  She wouldn't want to receive a bunch of attention for this but too bad Ma. You rule.  My dad has always been a steady, rock solid place where I can take thoughts and problems to.  He is an example to me of how to set aside your own stuff and help others.  My sister and her husband have always been there for me, and even when they have three little humans of their own, she cares about my family too.

My family on Krista's side is unreal.  They are so great.  Krista's mom Beth is a constant in our lives, and not the way that you people with annoying mother-in-laws are thinking.  She is a true blessing to the kids and I.  She is a blessing to all around her.  I am proud she is my mother-in-law and could serve as example for all mother-in-laws as to how to do it right.  My father-in-law Barry is one of the most loving guys out there and although he lives in Delta, I know we are in his thoughts.  Gail, his wife, is such a cool lady too, (along with her family) and she has always made us feel at home when we visit out there.  My sister-in-law Jill is one of the funniest people I know and I love her so much.  Whenever we get a chance to hang out, I usually find myself laughing at some joke with her that no one else gets.

I honestly can't start going through what my friends have done for me because there have been so many things by so many people that I am humbled, and also nervous because I don't want to forget anyone.  (By the way, I'm not trying to say, "Oh I have SO many friends, because I RULE. That's being a jerkface. (reference to my Grade 7 art teacher Mr. Snowden who used to call punk kids "jerkface". ))  Thanks to all the colleagues and church friends and neighbours and NBC coaches and students who have brightened my days.

Father, Son, Holy Spirit, well this is the main point right here.  Hope comes in many forms for many people, but when I get down to the basics of life,  my faith is the main thing that provides it for me.

I truly am indebted to the people in my life.  I am especially thankful for the love my family and I have been shown in the last 5 years.  We have all found ourselves in different places in the last 5 years since Krista's passing.  I hope you continue to find your place in people's lives.

Love is such a good thing to be part of.

So what does this date do to me?  I feel like anniversaries and dates marking significant events in our lives are indicators for us to enter times of reflection.  

Wedding anniversary? Reflect on your marriage.  

Birthday? Reflect on the last year and celebrate it as well as move forward with new thoughts.

  If you are incapacitated by a date I can understand it.  The reflection that is caused by the reminder of that number on the calendar can be unbearable. For some, it will bring you to ruin each time, and for others there is a movement to avoid acknowledging the pain you felt, never dealing with the problem.  For others you will be in ruins, but the more you process through it, you will move forward to a place where you are not in fear of the past rearing its head in the present.

 I feel like I have reflected each year and throughout the years on the things I am learning through this journey (hated using journey just there, but it works).  Personally, I don't want a date to hold me captive.  This date in the year has no more significance than any other date on the calendar if I look at it objectively.  The calendar's role in our life is to mark time.  The dates on our calendar for the rest of 2014 marks time that is not rooted in the past.  The very fact that it continuously moves forward is a tribute to the fact that dates are rooted in the future or the present.  We cannot go back in time and actually relive the past.  (People who own a Delorean with a flux capacitor would argue this.)  We can only live presently, or dwell on the future.  It's not like I only grieved Krista's loss on this date each year.  The grieving was a process that I felt every moment of the day for the first while, then it slowly changed.  Then it would come up out of nowhere and hit me hard.  Searching out what I was feeling and why, was something that I did with friends, family, counsellors.  I still obviously can't make sense of absolutely everything in it, but I am confident I have delved into my thoughts and fears and feelings throughout the last 5 years the best that I have been able to do.  The time for my heart to overwhelm me on this date has passed.  It doesn't mean that I am intentionally attempting to rid myself of memory.  The thing is, pain and anguish should not hold sway in my life, feeling free to join me every time the calendar reads a certain number. (Oh man, I hope I didn't sound like a know-it-all just there...)  

The future cannot be known.  I hope that both you and I can identify the themes in our lives we feel so strongly about, that we will continue to integrate them no matter the circumstance.  Maybe then, we can be on our way to not worrying about the future, and can more easily navigate the dark and unknown paths that present themselves.  We can navigate them because we will be guided by those principles we can't imagine losing.  Principles are different than people, or things.  The problem with those, is that it is not possible to save those things from the effects of time and death.  Learning where you derive your hope from is, in my humble opinion, essential to truly live.  What will you choose as your sign post to guide you no matter the circumstance?

Please understand, I'm not saying I have them figured out.  I will be sorting out stuff for the REST OF MY LIFE.  We're all sorting that stuff out.  If you want to sort some stuff out with someone, some time, just let me know.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Convocation 2014

I was asked to speak at our high school's convocation ceremony. A commencement address type talk.  It was a HUGE honour.  I love teaching.  To be asked to speak to the graduating class, by the students organizing the event, meant a lot to me.  Here is the talk I gave.  Oh, by the way, I brought a Gandalf staff with me, (because, I used the same quote as the post before this one) and a lightsaber.  There was pretend magic and confetti cannons.  It was a blast.  If I ever get pictures I will put them up on Instagram or something.  It might make more sense.  It was fun and an absolute honour.

Anyway, here is talk;

Well, 20 years ago, I had my graduation. I’m going to start off with a short story.  I was an MC for our banquet and I thought it would be hilarious to fake faint.  So I talked to a few buddies so that they would for sure laugh so that everyone would know it was a joke.  I started talking, and then proceeded to pretend to get light headed and fall on the stage.  One guy laughed, the others just stayed quiet, so to this day, I don’t know who thought I actually fainted.

Moral of the story, it’s not the first time I have made a fool of myself speaking at a grad so if something goes sideways, we’ll just roll with it.

Seriously, it truly is an honour for me to stand here and take part in this with you.  Graduation is really a weird thing man.  I remember my high school grad being a bit anticlimactic because it was built up into this thing and I didn’t know really what it should look like, and by the time I thought I had figured it out, the night was over. That’s what I kind of remember.  I was having fun, and I knew I was graduating, but it’s hard to know what graduating means until you have enough life to develop the hindsight to realize what it was.

So what is it really all about?  Well here’s one way someone could put it:  You are leaving the school that is Winston Churchill and entering the school of life.  Did you see what I tried to do there?  I tried to say that in a low deep voice tailored for maximum impact, then I paused, looked over the crowd, waited for it to sink in and then felt good about myself.  Because you should remember that point.  Remember it children, remember.

I said it, but not because I think it’s a great phrase, I said it because just wanted to illustrate how cheesy that is.  I mean, you’re not just now entering into the school of life right?  What the heck have the past 18ish years been about?  According to low voice dramatic guy you haven’t yet begun to learn about life. It’s flat out bonkers to think that you haven’t already been learning lessons at the school of life.  Life has been happening to you this whole time.  Trust me.  I’m a bio teacher. 

So what does it really mean? To me, what today signifies, is that, you are about to start the journey of figuring out what YOU want your life to look like. 

YOU.

You are going to start having control over a lot of your own destiny now.  For your parents, today is significant in that it is a symbol of you leaving them.  It’s an exciting and emotional day for parents, probably even more so than it is for you, so if they want to hug you or kiss you a few more times than normal today just deal with it.

Life is a strange thing.  I always get my biology classes to think about the fact that their thoughts are really just a smattering of electric and chemical signals passing through different parts of their brain.  It’s crazy.  Everything you think you are sensing is just a series of non-living processes.

Your body just works.  Your heart is beating right now and you don’t even think about it.   Till just now that I mentioned it now you’re all thinking about it.  What’s insane is that your mind interprets all these things and can tell you that you are experiencing joy, pain, confusion, elation.  A plethora of feelings and emotions and thoughts are propagated by things that aren’t actually alive.  Isn’t that awesome? 

Life is also strange because at some moments throughout your life, you can’t possibly believe it could be any better and at other times you can’t conceive of how it could possibly be worse. All the parents, family, friends and teachers in the stands today have had these thoughts. 

5 years ago this August I had one of the best things happen to me, followed by the worst thing that has ever happened to me occur within 4 days of each other.

On August 26^th 2009 my wife Krista and I welcomed into the world our third child, Sophie, and my 6 year old son Jaxon and 4 year old daughter grace were excited for a new sister and that Grandmas and Grandpas and aunts and uncles were going to be hanging out to see the new baby.  A new baby is a symbol of innocence that can rarely be matched in this world. 

When Soph was born, it was a joyous occasion.  Honestly, if you have kids some day, you can’t get a happier, more pure moment.  I’m sure your parents can remember when you were born.  It’s scary too of course, becoming a parent.  I remember bringing Jaxon home when he was born, and Krista and I kind of looked at each other as we walked into the house kind of wondering, “What the heck do we do now? When are this kid’s parents coming to get him…wait…WE’RE his parents”

Parenting is a fascinating thing.  I thought that my parents knew what they were doing when they were raising me.  When I had my own kids I realized that parents don’t know a lick about what’s going to happen.  They do their best.  Sometimes they make mistakes.  Sometimes they have things that dog them in their lives that you don’t understand.  We are all still working on ourselves.  You will be working on yourself the rest of your life.

Anyway, we were going through these feelings again when Soph came home.  Really happy, and a bit confused, because we didn’t really know what it would be like to have three kids at home instead of two and all kinds of other stuff like that. But there was a peace about it, and we were happy.

A couple days later my life had changed from one of the happiest moments to the saddest, most confusing moment I have had yet to face.  My wife Krista experienced a pulmonary embolism the day after we brought Sophie home.  It’s a blood clot that caused problems with breathing and blood flow and she passed away the next day.  I didn’t know what to do. I know many of you students know this story.  That was just about 5 years ago now.

I don’t tell you this to gain sympathy, or for you to feel sorry for me.  The thing about life is that it isn’t all about good times. There is loss and there are hard times.  Each of us goes through hard times.  I am not the only one.

I tell you these things because 5 years ago I could not have ever pictured standing right here right now talking to a group of great graduates.  In those few days after Krista passed away I never knew how I was going to get to the next day, let alone 5 years into the future.

(Get Gandalf staff)

Now, you all probably can tell that any guy brings a replica staff from a fictional wizard to a talk at graduation is either crazy or has been impacted by something that character did or said.  I’m sure it’s a lot of both for me.

Anyway, I’m a big fan of the Lord of the Rings, and the movies, and there are words spoken by Gandalf (a wise wizard) to Frodo (a Hobbit) that sum up the reality we have to face when hard times arrive in our lives.

The context is that Frodo had a magic ring come into his possession, which in the past had been used to do the worst kinds of evil in his world.  It is a symbol of evil.  Once the ring came into his possession his life was never the same, and was much more difficult and frightening than his life before. The future was unknown. So on the way to get rid of this ring, a group of characters get lost in a series of caves and in this bleakness, Frodo talks with Gandalf about his plight.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil.

I get emotional about this because I feel that, that is how I have to live my life.  Krista’s death was not mine to decide, I have to decide what to do with the time that is given to me.  I can’t be stuck wishing that things had never happened and never move forward.  You will come into struggles in your life, your own “ring”, what are you going to do with the time that is given to you.

The second part of that is that “There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil”

For me, a faith in God is the major focal point in my life.  It grounds me.  I’m not going to preach at you or anything, if you wanted to talk about faith later I would be happy too.  That’s not the point of this.  I just feel that we all need some grounding somewhere, something that represents the “other forces in this world besides the evil ones”, so that when unsolvable problems come, with questions that we can’t answer, we can find a place of peace.  Many of us don’t search for that grounding until something horrible happens.  I would encourage your to define what your source of strength is.  If you can’t, then search for it so that when hard times come, you can cling to your source.

Now there is no magic in this staff, but there is magic for me in those words.  So let me put this thing away….

Go to put staff away. ----then pause and say---you know I don’t think there is any magic in this staff, but how do I KNOW there is no magic? Well a science perspective would say I need to test it.  So let’s try this once.  You need to help me though.  ON the count of three, and after I say three, let’s all yell out, You Shall Not Pass!

Well apparently, Grad has bestowed magic on this place…

You also need to understand that you can’t have a full life living in isolation. 

I love the idea of love.  The word Love can mean a whole lot of different things to a whole lot of different people in a whole lot of different situations.  One of my favourite authors N.T. Wright said, “ There’s a problem about this particular blessed word, “love”.  The English word “love” is trying to do so many different jobs at the same time that someone really ought to sit down with it and teach it how to delegate.” 

Words like “love” are just things we’ve invented to communicate thoughts and expectations.  When those words don’t match the actions it can cause hurt.  Nobody wants to be involved in a friendship or a loving relationship with someone who is constantly failing to live up to their promises.  Nobody likes a liar.  Your words need to match your actions.  Trust is the key in any relationship, whether it is romantic, or friendship, or family.  Trust is the base of love.  I think love is the base of life.  So I believe it follows that we should live in a trustworthy manner.  Integrity is important.

My late wife Krista used to say, “Jared, don’t overpromise and under deliver.”  I hope that you take that into account when you move forward in your life.  Say what you mean, live up to what you promise people.  If you don’t, apologize and learn from that experience. 

Grad is sometimes an event that is emotional for many because the milestone can remind us of times we have failed to live up to our words and promises.  This happens when we think of our family relationships or our friendships. Big moments remind us of mistakes that we wished could be remedied.  Things that have sat undiscussed for a long time, but need to be fixed.  I hope that in each of your lives, this day can serve as a renewal for you to move into your adult life free of regrets.  It’s never too late to say I’m sorry, or “I love you.”

I also think you need to follow your dreams, but live up to your responsibilities.

Let’s say I had a dream of entering the field of interpretive dance.  All it would mean is that I quit my job, and move my family to New York where I can make it.  Look, that’s stupid.  Not because I wouldn’t be a great interpretive dancer, but the upheaval I would be subjecting my family too would be counter to my responsibilities as a father. I would encourage you to evaluate what your decisions are by a combination of your feelings, wise council and true assessment of your responsibilities.

Don’t get me wrong.  Living responsibly doesn’t mean that you should never take a risk.

We all love stories, movies, adventures.  Any character we find fascinating takes risks.  They come through things, they fight through.  The characters that are loved, step up and take risks they need to take but often they do it for the sake of others.

If your life is a story, what kind of character would you want to see yourself as?

Time has the ability to fly by, or crawl.  5 years ago can sometimes seem like yesterday, and other times it seems like a lifetime ago.  I can’t explain that.  Think of where you were 5 years ago. That was the end of grade 7 for you.  Do you remember what you were like going into grade 8?  Do you see yourselves now?  Think about what could happen 5 years from now.  Do you have any concept of that?  I don’t.  5 years is like an eternity really.  So many things can happen in our lives.

A wise martial arts master once said, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.  That is why they call it the present.” That was Master Uguay from Kung Fu Panda.   I hope you can take the gift of life that has been given to you today.  If you are in tough time, even if it’s the hardest time in your life, remember, you may not know what tomorrow looks like, but keep going.  Honestly, things can get better.

Also remember, there is just as much chance of great things happening in your life, (probably more so) as hard things. When was the last time you had trouble sleeping because you were worried about how the next day would turn out? I’ve found that when that has happened to me, usually whatever I was worried about ended up looking different, or even as close to as bad as I played it up to be.  The reality is that tomorrow is full of opportunity, we don’t know what good is coming either.  We can’t forget that.

So to sum up:

You need to identify your source of strength to weather the storms,

You need to love others more than you love yourself, life is best lived in community and not in isolation

You need to follow your dreams, but live up to your responsibilities and your words.

You also need to give Jared a million dollars if you ever win the lottery.  How else am I going to afford to get into the interpretive dance game?

Love you guys and girls from the Churchill Grad Class of 2014.  I really do.  Thanks.

How Do You Make Sense Of It? And Gandalf.

     My grandmother-in-law is 95. 95 years old.  Violet has seen so much history happen that it's hard to believe.  She used to be able to tell stories on the farm that are just fascinating to a city boy like me.  She lives in seniors' care facility in Lethbridge and has a boyfriend there. I'm not kidding.  She has a boyfriend, they sit at the same table to eat, and they used to have conversations and keep each other company.  I think that's what people do when they are dating and in their 90's.  

     I said she "used to be able to tell stories" because she is not doing all that well at the moment.  I went to visit her today and Violet is not her chipper self.  She is 95, and for the first time since I've known her, she looks 95.  It is strange to see it.  I love Violet.  She's cheeky, and has always had a quick wit.  One time when I was giving her a hug she bit my earlobe. Hahahaha, yes, that's Violet.

     In a few conversations over the past year that I have had with her, she had expressed the thought that, and I am paraphrasing here, that, "I am ready to go." Now those aren't the exact words, but they do represent her sentiment.  It wasn't a longing to pass on, it was more of an acceptance.  My mind cannot comprehend it.  I was looking into her eyes as she said it too.  It wasn't like she was putting on a brave face, or saying it in a way that she was trying to convince herself it was true.  It was just a pure thought.  

     A friend of mine just lost his wife last night.  He's an older gentleman and this morning he came over to talk to me about it.  He knows I understand what it's like.  There are no words to say when someone comes over and tells you something like that.  I prayed with him, and found myself reliving all of the confusion of what happened to me 5 years ago in August when Krista passed away.  I actually have a hard time realizing what I went through or how I went through it.  How I am still going through it, but in a totally different way than at the start.

    I am seeing a psychologist just to run things by him and make sure that I am doing the best that I can as my life shifts into new stages.  A counselling role is what I appreciate him for.   I think it's good for people that have gone through hard things in life to consult someone who has helped other people find their way.  It doesn't mean that you are "crazy" or have to be having a "mental breakdown" to consult someone who is trained to see people through life situations.  I think it's helpful, and nothing to be ashamed of.

     Anyway, he's gold.  He asked me last time to take some moments to sort out my thoughts on this question, "How do you make sense of Krista's death?"  

    Now, really, I don't think anyone can "make sense" of death.  Not really.  In this, I mean that I can't understand it fully.  I don't know that you can fully understand something like death until you are the one it is going to happen to.  It is a scary thing to me.  I have a faith in God that points to another life after this one, but that doesn't mean that the way that I need to travel to get there isn't scary to me.

     I was talking to Krista's Uncle the other day and he was mentioning how strange it felt to him that he was old.  He said that one day "oldness" just seemed to arrive without any warning.  It's like he was young and then it just sunk in that he was old.  His body didn't feel the same, he was more tired than he ever could remember being, and he was confronted with the fact that some day he would not be here.  Then he got all apologetic about going on about being old, that, "You don't want to hear someone talk about this." But I assured him that I have thought about this quite a bit, and to hear someone speak on the subject who has contemplated it first hand is important.  People that are older are wiser, they just are.  

     Now this isn't ALWAYS the case, but on things of life and death I find it to be true nearly all the time.  People who are older know things that younger people don't. 

    I realize this isn't a very uplifting blog post at the moment.  It's not meant to be.  Well, not just yet.  I think it very important to think about one's own mortality from time to time.  It slaps us out of complacency in life.  Well, it does for me anyway, but how do you make sense of death?

     The thing about death is that everyone will experience it personally.  We had a cancer research fundraiser at our school that our students organized.  They raised over $7500 for research.  One of the organizers performed a powerful illustration to impress upon the students the magnitude of this disease.  She had the students stand up, and then would proceed to make sections of students sit down or stay standing based on current cancer stats.  It was amazing to see the high percentage of people who are affected by this disease.  Now if we did the same illustration for death, and asked students to all stay standing if they were going to experience death, 100% of the students would have been standing.

No one is escaping it.

No one.

Now, I don't dwell on this thought everyday, but it does cross my mind everyday when I say goodbye to my kids in the morning when I leave for work.  I always have this quick thought, "What if I don't see them again?"  Now this could be a horrible thing if I let myself be consumed by it, but when it hits, what it really does is make me realize what's important right now.  I am amazed what things become quickly unimportant when compared with losing life.  

So how do I make sense of Krista's death?  

1.  I guess the first thing is that I know she was going to die.  Now, I will never understand the timing, but I do have to admit that fact. When I remember this, I can be thankful for the time I had with her in the first place, and can also realize how important time is.  I go back to my favourite quote in all of movies, Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring.  Frodo is talking to him and expressing his sadness/confusion/worry about the fact that a horrible ring had come into his life.  If you don't know the story, I feel sorry for you and you should immediately either read the books, starting with The Hobbit, then The Lord of the Rings trilogy, or go watch the movies. Anyway here is what he says.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Now I have no idea why Krista passed away, nor do I believe that God makes bad things happen to people just for his purpose.  I think the fact of the matter is that there is darkness in this world and death, as well as light and life.  I don't think God pulls the strings to drop horrible things on us, saying, "Hey, I'm going to do this to you so that you can minister to others in tough situations."  I just don't think that.  "Why do bad things happen?" is not an easy question to answer for me.  There are many books written on the varying thoughts on that subject.  My point is not to answer the "Why?" more about how to think about the, "What are you going to do now that something bad has happened?" question.  I feel like there is nothing to do but decide to make use of the time that has been given to me. (I'm not trying to sound gallant and act like this always makes real sense to me, but this quote always reminds me of what I hope I can live like)

2. I believe in Jesus Christ.  I believe that He was the Son of God and that somehow his death on a cross gives power over darkness in the world.  That may sound like balderdash to you, (I am efforting to bring back the term "balderdash" it is a fantastic word)  and I am not pretending to know the answers to all the questions about how I can believe this over another religious faith, or even the absence of one, as expressed through atheism.  I think that any person who declares themselves 100% confident in their world view is someone who hasn't really thought it through.  No matter who you are, you live by some code that you deem fit.  Even Christianity has many different denominations who believe slightly different things and some people make a big deal out of this.  I guess if you want to talk about it that's your business, but I don't care about the differences in how someone is baptized or how they pray. They all believe in Christ though.

The reason I say all that stuff about faith is because that is one way that I make "sense" of Krista's death.  I believe that there is a hope for something.  There are differences in the way that some Christians interpret this "heaven" idea.  It may mean something different to me than some other Christian (By the way, I don't believe this is a flaw in Christianity, I think it's something to be discussed and understand that there may not be a full consensus throughout the Christian church and that isn't essential to people having faith in God).  The point is that I have a sense of hope.  That is the point I am trying to make.  I believe there is a purpose greater than myself to this life.  I'm not always good at living that out, I have a tendency to think about "me things" and be selfish at times, but I think there is something deeper to this place.  Something greater than just happening to be the lead species on a giant ball of rock and water hurtling through space and time.  

3.  I am convinced that life cannot continue without joy.  Joy needs to be found in the smallest of places.  I say this like I have something to say about not having joy.  The reality of my life is that at the moment I live in a rich country, have a good job, have supportive family and friends, and have healthy children.  I have very little to be melancholy about.  Mourning and despair are not the same thing.  Grieving the loss of something or someone extremely significant is not the same as throwing in the towel and deciding to never find joy again.  I believe joy/contentment in and through life is something that is hard to keep from leaving, but it is important to come back to.  I'm not talking joy like, "Oh MAN I JUST GOT THIS SICK NEW PHONE, I'M SO PUMPED!" kind of excitement. (which isn't always bad by the way)  I'm talking about a peace that permeates you.  For me, this comes along with the point #2, but for you it may be different.

Here's the thing I think about over and over again.  I have this one life to live in the way that the world is right now.  I don't know what it will look like when I pass on.  I may as well live it.  

Also, I have this strange feeling that if I was dogging it, and living in the gutter all the time, and not experiencing the joy that life can bring, well let's just say I think Krista was the kind of woman who wouldn't stand for that nonsense, and I may get a supernatural kick in the teeth for wasting my time.   I don't really think that would happen, but I don't want to mess with it.

I hope that if you have had trials and tough times, that you can find the way back to joy.  If you ever want to talk, I would be totally cool with that.

A Hand On The Butt

A hand on the butt.

Oh man, today I saw one of the funniest, not uncommon sights at our high school.  I am quite certain that our school is not an anomaly in this regard.

I was walking through the halls back to my classroom after lunch and I look at a couple wandering together.  The young couple in love was probably in grade 9 or possibly grade 10.  One of the grades where the girls are still generally taller than the guys.  Yah, I'd say grade 9.  She of course is wearing super tight legging type pants.  I know there is an issue with girls wearing these types of pants at a high school in Illinois right now but trust me, that's not what this post is about.  I only mention it because they, along with the short tight shirt she had on made it all the more easy to see this hilarious sight.  This post is about the comedy regarding high school dating behaviour and the real issue that I hope I can teach my daughters and my son to think twice about.

When I observed this couple walking away from me down the hall I found it hilarious that the kid had his arm wrapped around his girlfriend and his hand planted nicely on her butt cheek.  The little guy was on the left and his girlfriend (who was likely 9 inches taller) was on the right.  The hand wasn't in a full clasp.  It was more in a 'I'm not sure if I am going to get away with this or not with her, but I am going to go for it so I am going to use a fairly flat hand and use fairly minimal pressure and see what happens' type move.  Well he was succeeding. Down the hall they walked, not hand in hand, but hand on butt.

This is hilarious to me because if you are a guy and have had a girlfriend you have tried to put your hand on their butt in a public place sort of like this too.  Maybe not as brazenly as this kid, but you have tried it.

It's hilarious to me because if you are a girl and had a boyfriend you have had this tried on you.  Maybe not so publicly but your boyfriend tried it.  Maybe on a walk in the park a little into the relationship or in a 'not so populated' hallway at school.  Maybe you let him, maybe you didn't.

Look, I know kids do a lot more stuff that just a 'hand on butt', I do.  Yes kids have sex at young ages, but not everyone.  If you are a student reading this, then you need to remember that statistically, even if 50% of kids have had sex by grade 12, (a high estimate by the way) that means that 50% haven't.  So don't ever believe that you are the only one choosing to wait.  If you aren't going to wait, then for goodness sake, know what you are getting into.  I've written about this before here. 

Hear's what I'm getting at here.  This guy was walking down the hall with this girl who was freely letting him demonstrate this relationship by this overt display of PDA.  I hope that if some guy tried that move on my daughter someday that she would realize the ridiculousness of it.  I think classy girls won’t let this happen.  A woman who respects herself wouldn’t let a guy just butt grab while walking down the hallway of a public place the whole way down the hall.  Probably not a good indication of a soul mate there.

I’m not trying to get overly serious, but I don’t know too many women at ANY AGE who actually like to be PDA’d in public.  I'm not talking about basic stuff.  A kiss or hug or caress here or there, those things are o.k.  However, every woman that I respect, when I watch them interact with their significant other in public, feels awkward and embarrassed when that guy makes dirty jokes or inappropriate PDA attempts that put them as a couple on display. 

Guys are idiots this way, we always think it might turn funny or that they may actually think it amusing, or even enjoy it.  Maybe enough to let us do it again!  Listen, it works out that way about 1% of the time.  The other times you are sending a message that she is a bit of an object and no woman is attracted to a man who sends that message.  Now different couples are different in their magnitude of acceptability of these types of things but I think that in general, women would appreciate knowing that you like/love them for the 99% or the other stuff about them that rule, and not just the parts that you find attractive physically.  How do I know?  Well let’s just say I know because just possibly Krista was annoyed with my high school boy idiocy at times. J

Some of you may be thinking, “Wow, Jared’s getting pretty intense about a little butt grab!”  (Hahahaha, never thought I would write that sentence in my life.)  What I’m trying to say is this.  Ladies, if you are looking to see how a man is going to treat you as an important part of their lives, pay attention to how he wants to treat you regarding physical affection. Please REMEMBER, you don’t have to let some young punk put his hands on you just because you like him, and are so happy that he is attracted to YOU.  "Me? I am so happy that you like ME?!"  You need to be honest about what you think is acceptable, and work this out as a couple.  If something is uncomfortable for you, tell the guy and if he doesn’t get the message, drop him because he is disrespectful and needs to learn some manners.  IF he doesn't understand this, I know some mobsters that can send him a message…

Guys, a woman is a precious thing, and she is also awesomely beautiful and is also probably pretty hot to you.  If you really want to treat her well, then think about this.  If you feel like you probably shouldn’t try something, because maybe she might be embarrassed or appreciate your move, then you should probably not try it.  Don’t give in to the, “Well maybe she will think this is alright, well, at least I hope she does, I’m just going to do it  BECAUSE I CAN’T HELP MYSELF!” thoughts.  If you do and she doesn't appreciate it, then she’s bitter and offended and then you have to go to extra lengths to show her that she is more important to you than just her physical presence.  Look, I know YOU know she's more important, but she is constantly questioning it and sometimes herself. This is women. The other side of this is if you actually just want her for is her physical body, in which case I know some mobsters that I am going to send your way because you are a tool…

So to sum up:

1. A hand on the butt walking down the hall means more than just a hand on the butt.  It is a display of PDA that shows more about the true condition of the relationship than just this little act.

2. Girls, don’t let guys do this to you.

3. Guys, resist the urge to do this to the one you care about.

4. If you really have to do this, please stop doing it at school, it makes all of us teachers feel awkward. (That and your making out in the corners or outside your classes. Not the little goodbye kisses, the nasty stuff.  Just imagine if you saw your teachers with their significant others just making out in the hall, would you like that.  Yah that’s how it is for us with you.)  Just stop it please.