50 pounds

Hey, if you are reading this it is likely that you are bored.  I really don't understand why I am going to write a blog from time to time.  I guess it is a way of getting thoughts out there, sort of an online diary. Since I am pretty sure that I will be the only one looking at this most of the time, I will mostly be asking questions and answering myself, or discussing things that are relevant to me.  I'm not going to proofread it, so if there are mistakes in spelling or grammar please try and read into what I said in the most positive way, and if it really doesn't make sense then send me a message and I'll explain it.  I guess that maybe when I look back on this, it will show answers to prayer and give me wisdom from the many people wiser than myself who may read and respond to this.  I am not thinking there will be many of those.  Blogs are weird man, really weird.  I feel guilty even putting this out there, whatever, it is what it is. (If you are reading this you may think I am going mental because I am having a discussion with myself, sometimes it helps me think to talk to myself, and maybe it will help me even more to document these talks and then I can look back when I am confused with what direction to take myself or my family, you know?)

Anyway, my first post is about how I am going to lose 50 pounds by the end of June.  Since my wife Krista passed away almost 2 and a half years ago I haven't really done myself any favors in how I treat my body.  I've gained weight and I just don't find myself an attractive man anymore to be honest.  I think that everyone wants to find themselves the most attractive they can be for themselves.  I don't think most dudes would compare themselves with Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling or George Clooney (those are some attractive dudes!) and really think they match up with them on the attractive scale.  I think all of us want to be the most attractive that we can be though.  As a former athlete, I know I was in shape and that gave me confidence, it just seems now to be such a long road ahead that once I start to get on the freeway to Healthville I blow a tire and there happens to be a pizza parlour right there to be my friend. 

I must say I do compare myself with guys my age that are in shape, make good decisions about food and exercise and I envy them.  I sort of hate them in a way until I realize I just hate myself.  Not my WHOLE self, (Mom if you are reading this resist the urge to encourage me and tell me that I am a handsome boy and you love me and stuff, I'm not completely depressed!) but the part that makes me wish I had the where with all to make decisions that would make me look like those in shape dudes.  I am happy with many of the decisions I have had to make and I feel like God has really guided me through friends family, wise council and from the Bible itself.  I love my kids and I think that I love my job and what my role is in it.  Man I love teaching high school and I love my three kids.

But back to the point, my hate-on for the physical embodiment that is the 295ish lb mass that is Jared Heidinger. I really don't think that looks are everything.  However, I do think that treating myself in a manner that doesn't allow me to think of myself in a positive way does mean SOMETHING, and it's a problem in my life that needs to be remedied.  The problem is that it is so frickin' hard to do good things for your health, and those foods just don't taste as good AT FIRST.  Exercise doesn't taste so good at the beginning either.  I know that whenever I get on a roll for a couple of weeks I really do feel better and then I just sort of drop off.  Well everyone that reads this (1 of you - Mom) I am going to make a believer of my self again in the next 6 months.  I don't want a bunch of recommendations from people on how to do it because I don't need that, I've got a plan, it's just a matter of really, really keeping with it.  I think I may just post a before and after picture, or some progress pictures, but not until I feel like I have made some progress, because otherwise there will just be a picture of fat Jared on here for a little while and nobody wants to see that, not even me.  THE TIME HAS COME MY FRIENDS, THE TIME HAS COME.