Blake Griffin, Cosmo, and Sex in Marriage....and awkwardizing.

I picked up a Men's Health magazine the other day. Not a Cosmo.  Obviously I picked up a Men's Health to learn about Men's Health and also to learn how they portrayed the workout that I gave Blake Griffin.  If you didn't know, I am the reason why he is such a freak of nature and why he has the 8 pack you see on the cover.  It's my workout, no big deal.  I am not behind his hairstyle though, think it makes him look a bit weak to be honest.  He should shave it, then he would look a bunch tougher.  Why do I have a Cosmo on my blog?  Well, I saw the topics on the Men's Health cover and noticed that men's health was pretty much about being ripped, attracting women and improving yourself sexually, and being wealthy.  I thought I would find out what's important to women so I checked one of the largest selling women's magazines out there. Cosmo. Apparently women need to also perform sexually, as well as make sure their vagina's are o.k., learn how to protect their lives and learn how to grow their hair fast.  Sorry, not just fast, but FAST!  Of course I read through the sex things, even though I am not sure that I will ever get the chance to use any of their tips ever again.  I mean, hey, it's part of Men's Health!

One article in there was like this.  There were also some questions from men to sex experts about stuff and one guy, Floyd from Detroit wrote this, "I've slept with a lot of women.  how do you think my new girlfriend will react?"  Here was the answer.  "Any woman who can count knows that the numbers can add up fast.  Let's say you had three encounters a year since college - that's at least 20 women by the time you're 30 years old.  Toss in your collegiate sexcapades, and before you know it you're approaching player territory.  But who knows - she might not want to have that conversation herself.  if you do end up talking about respective histories, there's no need to go into detail.  Just say something like, "I've had relationships in the past, but I'm with only you now." There's truth, lies and silence.  Sometimes the last is best.

Holy crap. I said to myself.  Now I sort of agree about detail discussing, but "approaching player territory"  dude's slept with 20+ women and he's only approaching the territory?  I think I would be rattled if I met a girl and she slept with 20+ guys before me.  I mean, I would just wonder why she decided to freely give of herself that way to that many guys who didn't last.  I don't know, that just seems like a lot of people to give yourself too.  I think sex is a lot more than just a feeling though, and many of you may not think that.  I believe that marriage is still the best thing going, a lot of this is due to my faith to be sure.  But, I still think that if you don't have a faith in God or some moral code based on another spiritual belief system, that a monogamous relationship still should be the ideal relationship to be in when you decide to give yourself to each other in that way.  It's just deeper I think. Much more to it than just the act at that moment.  At least I think it should be for it to be it's most meaningful.

They say money makes the world go 'round but I think sex may be the next thing.  I'm not going to go on a large rant about the cover stories of magazines or how marketing is targeting people all the time for sex, I mean, we all know it.  Nobody needs to hear about it anymore.

What I'm going to talk about is sex in a marriage relationship.  Now those of you who are reading this and are rattled that I am going to start going through details and tips like Cosmo and Men's Health, don't worry, you can get your position tips from them.  I was just going to speak about the disaster that the topic of sex can sometimes be in a marriage.  Please stop reading if this is going to make you feel like you're worried that you won't be able to look me in the eye the next time we see  each other.  My goal is not to awkwardize all of my friendships.  That's right, I just made up a verb for making a friendship awkward.  Feel free to use it if you want, just like Blake Griffin took credit for my workout.

Maybe it was just my marriage, but the times seemed very few and far between that I felt like we were on the same page about sex.  In talking with other married couples, and with the number of relationship books out there, I'm pretty sure we weren't alone.  It's funny that Cosmo has tips on his best sex ever.  I have seen other covers where it says something like, "365 ways to turn him on." Let me tell you this.  Women, the man you are in a relationship with is basically a light switch.  Walk into a room, you flick on the light, it's on.  Women, walk into a room, mention anything about sex, he's turned on.  Now I know what they are getting at, different ways to get him to notice you and all that.  I know, I know, but if you are in a pinch and you didn't get a chance to get that special perfume or whatever, don't worry yourself over it, he'll be just fine.  Just fine. 

Fellas, women are not like a light switch.  They are like a generator in a way. (Look, women reading this, if you are still reading this...I'm not saying you look like generators.  If you did, you would be the most sophisticated, high-tech, creatively designed, slim package with smooth lines generators ever to hit the market.  I am talking to men now so stop over analyzing, or thinking, is this what he thought of Krista?)  They're not like Honda generators with slick electronic ignition either.  They are pull start's that need to be primed just right, with the fuel mix to the exact ratios. Too much and you've flooded the engine, Too little and they will give you hope but soon they will cough and sputter and you won't get them going. Just right though and you've got the best generator in the world.

Where the heck am I going with this one?  Well I have found myself in a terrible position.  Since Krista passed away I have not had sex.  THAT IS NOT THE TERRIBLE POSITION I AM ABOUT TO SPEAK OF BEFORE YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.  (If you really thought that I was about to say that one of the most terrible things about not having her here is not having sex then you really don't know me very well and likely don't think to highly of me either.)  The terrible position I find myself in is that it took me losing her to realize the place of sex in the hierarchy of things I should argue about and take a stand on in a marriage.  You see, we had disagreements about sex just like most married couples have.  Usually those "discussions" center around frequency.  To be honest, I think most men would be good to have sex every day, no problem with that at all, not that they "need" it everyday, but if it happened that would be just fine with them.  Most women, not so much.  I realize now that I don't have her, that sex is not as important as I thought it was.

I do miss the times we were together in that way, they were awesome.  However, it is DEFINITELY not the thing I miss most.  The thing I miss most is seeing her truly smile.  Looking at her when the kids did something cool and really getting each other and why life was so cool right at that moment.  You know, that little smile you share with your partner about, "Wasn't that cool?" It's like time stops and the moment is perfect and life doesn't get any better.

You don't have to have kids to have these moments.  Just sitting and chilling out with nothing else to worry about in the presence of someone who is happy doing the exact same thing.  Someone who cares about you more than others, makes you feel "set-apart" and special.  Man those moments are great. 

Now in reality those moments didn't happen all that often in the midst of a busy life.  Some nights I was thinking of something for work that I had put off, or not getting our budget done, or being tired and not wanting to have to rub Krista's feet, (one of which had a wart on it the size of a second head) or if we would have sex that night.  Krista was thinking about, "Man, I am exhausted from taking care of these kids all day and getting plans together for next week, I just want to sleep, I sure hope he doesn't want to have sex tonight, I love it, but I just want him to understand that I need to just sleep.  That would be the best way for him to love me today."  I would want NOTHING more right now than to rub her feet let me tell you.  But what I likely did back then was I would try to initiate something to lead to sex. Then she would be tired, then I would be bitter, and it's all because I didn't want to set aside my "needs" to love her the best way she needed just then.

You see guys, being at home with kids for the year I was on leave was exhausting.  I lived her life for a year, and it was good but it is tough.  It is work that is busy, but seemingly fruitless.  You clean something only to turn around and see that the kids have destroyed the living room again.  You are changing poop and pee all day.  You are running around and organizing play dates and getting out of the house.  You go get groceries just so you have an excuse to get out.  Husbands when you come home and your wife has bought something from the store that you think is ridiculous just because she "had to get out" think twice before telling her that it wasn't in the budget.  Some of you women work and then come home and do all those things as well.  It is busy to be a mom!  Men, please try and figure out the best way to love your wife, or significant other each day.  Not just cliche things, but things that make a difference to HER.  YOUR wife, not someone else's wife or someone in Cosmo.  Your wife.  She's different.  It's why you are with her.

Now ladies before you go on and say, "Yah, preach it brother!" then tell your husbands that they need to love you the way you need to be loved and all that, look at yourself too.  Look, your husband needs to be loved the way he needs that day too.  He works too. He has a role too.  It is busy to be a Dad too!  That may mean that you need to have sex with him whether you feel perfectly loved that day OR NOT in order to show him that you love him. It is meaningful to him,  more so than to you, but that is not the point.  Just because it is not important to you does not mean the it is unimportant and vice versa.  You may not understand it, but he doesn't understand why you would rather sleep than have sex.  I really think that couples need to compromise, but the message that exists in society today is that the man needs to meet the woman's needs because that's just right.  If he is not meeting your "needs" then he better just figure it out or he's not getting any.  I think you may be surprised by the number of  your needs your partner is successful in meeting when you have met his "needs" more than just every other week or whenever YOU feel it's right.  Women reading this may think that is selfish and that men just shouldn't need sex that much.  Hey, the things women want are weird and selfish to us too.

In all of this remember.  You love each other.  There was a reason you got together.  If there wasn't and you are in a fling that is surface at best, then you have nothing to hold you together and that's why I think sex in a flingy type of relationship is dicey.  There are things that don't get talked about like pregnancy, STI's and other big issues that people in sexual fling relationships don't really talk about.  I'm pretty sure that in one night stands people don't discuss how things would  work if she got pregnant, or have you ever slept with someone with an STI.  Those would be mood killers I'm pretty sure, and if they're not, then that person is a freak and you should get away from them quick.  Being in a loving relationship allows you to trust in the other person, hopefully.  If you don't trust that person, then other work needs to be done in your marriage as well.  Being in a loving relationship does not mean that you will feel that pangs of love that you had when you first got together either.  It doesn't mean that if those little butterfly feelings have disappeared then it's time to move on!  That's a different blog though.

So to summarize, try and love your spouse or partner the way THEY need to be loved.  If you don't know anymore then try and set aside some time with them to have conversations to reestablish this knowledge of each other.  You may not even know yourself what you need, but don't take that out on your partner, work with them to rediscover what makes you tick.  Men, women need to NOT have sex sometimes to know your love for them fully, even if you feel like you really need sex right then.  Women, men need to have sex to know that you still love them, even if you don't "feel" like it.  Marriage needs sex and it is a great thing, (if you are a Bible reading person, read Song of Solomon for a look the goodness of sex in a monogamous marriage relationship.) it just takes work to get to the place where you can both know it's proper place in your marriage.

I hope I didn't awkwardize any friendships today.   Although if my mom comments on this, I'm pretty sure that will be the most powerful awkwardizing factor ever and enough to awkwardize the globe and all of humanity living on it.  (Maybe a bit dramatic, but Mom, seriously don't comment on this!)